For sure I am a control freak in most aspects of my life. However, I don't believe that I have been this way in my marriage. I always hated seeing men who told their wives what to do and how to do it. I am not a jealous husband, or limiting in what she would do with her free time, or her friends.
Now, for sure I have been needy, smothering, an always wanting more emotional and physical contact with her (especially as she pulled further and further away in hindsight over the last year or so).
I have never been one to dictate what she does, or such. However "let her" is maybe the wrong choice of my words. What I mean is boundaries. She can do whatever she wants, that is her choice, she is her own person. My "boundary" is another relationship. If she continues that relationship emotionally or physically, the result is that I will end the relationship. That is my boundary.
Maybe I do have "property" issues with my wife. Certainly THE MOST hard part of all of this is the thought of her pining away for someone else, and the thought of her in the arms happy with someone else. Her have sexual relations with even one man one time would taint my thoughts of the relationship that I could never be with her again, period. It seems silly though to look at it in any other light, that I should have reasonable expectations even in these dark days, that we are still married and exclusive in our intimate relationships.
I have read so many posts on this forum about people patiently waiting while their spouse is continuing an affair, or even living with the OP. I'm sorry, maybe I am weak, but that is not me. I do not have the strength to deal with that and stay sane.
Now, if she needs her space, her freedom, to figure out what she wants in life, I can be patient and handle that. She could move out, have a place on her own, we would share the kids, she would have her job, she would spend time with friends, have her own money, be on her own totally, and so on. I can and if it comes to that, will deal with all of that with (very difficult) patience while I also move forward. But if her finding herself includes any kind of other relationships, the answer is no, it is over. I can't do that.
I would also expect nothing less of her. If I cheated on her, I would expect her to want an immediate divorce and be so angry she would want to cut off my pecker. I would deserve it. Funny thing is I had asked some time back in a heated discussion, what if I went out and had sex with another woman tonight? She said she is so disconnected she wouldn't care, it wouldn't matter.
Thank you for giving me some things to think about. While maybe it seems I am arguing with you, in fact I appreciate the counter points and challenging of my thought process. This is probably alot of what I need.
I think I need to get a counselor to talk to. What you are challenging me with is good for me and I suspect what a good counselor would do for me. I went to one session with the MC my wife and I attended originally, but we both hated him (in the joint session and when I went on my own), so I need to find someone else I can do counseling by phone.
