Another New Day 2

[islander]

You know, I think the real reason she is upset is bc her D would rather be with her sister than with her. She doesn't realize that all of the emotional bonds bw the rest of our family did not just disappear when she chose to be a WAS.

[islander]

Finally talked to W again. I told her that I didn't want to argue with her and I was sorry. She said she didnt want to argue either. She is going to take my D with her on sunday.

I reiterated that whenever I had my D and her parents had her D that I was going to make sure that they spent the night together, either at our house or her parents. She didn't argue this time. I reminded her that they both want to be together, and that I was going to do everything that I could to make that happen.

She is working mow to and had to let me go. Said she will call me back later. We'll see I guess.

[♪CS♪]

Good job cooling things off. Hostility won't help anyone.

[islander]

I wish I would have just let it go to begin with, it would have been easier than what happened. I just got upset when she tried to make I out that I had done something wrong.

I will remember this for the future

[♪CS♪]

Yep, I just had a similar experience. We are learning along the way. We just need to learn from our mistakes.

[islander]

Oh, and when we talked the last time she confirmed why I thought she was upset. She said that she wanted to spend time with her D, and it bothered her that her D wanted to be with me and my D. It wasn't so much that her D wanted to be with me as much as she wanted to be with my D. Like I told her before, they just miss each other.

Well, she never called me back, and I didn't figure that she would. I guess I won't really talk to her for a few days and just wait fir her to contact me. The only thing we have planned together this week is to do our taxes at some point. She wasn't able to get off work in the morning, so I will be going to the play solo. Then maybe I will try to get an hour or two of sleep.

[Denver_2010]

Islander... Listen man, Truegritter is giving you the best advice that you will find anywhere on this board. Start listening to him... but not only listen, apply it... learn to live it. That's number 1.

Number 2... Have you read Divorce Remedy? Have you read the part on the Last Resort Technique and the part that addresses what to do when your S is having an A??

I ask these questions because it doesn't seem to me that you are practicing divorce busting. You came here for a reason, but you have to apply the principles. You will continue to spin your wheels until you start doing that.

I don't know everything by any means, and you can dismiss what I am saying if that is what you choose. It is your life and your M. But you have to begin to do the following, and begin NOW:

1. STOP pressuring and pursuing your W!!!! When you ask her to do something, ANYTHING, it is pursuit and it is pressure. That is a fact.

2. Stop initiating contact with your W. Your very first goal should be to get her to start initiating contact with you. That will NOT happen as long as she knows that it will only be minutes, hours or days before she will hear from you. SHE HAS NOTHING TO MISS.

3. Stop trying to be anything to or for your W... BE THE ROCK FOR YOUR MARRIAGE... that is it. You think that going dark on your W was making it easier for she and OM?? Continue trying to be her friend and see how easy you make it for she and OM. As long as she knows that you are just hanging in the wind... there is no reason for her to end that R.

4. Be the BETTER MAN... the better option. This means being kind, polite and appropriately accommodating with your W when she contact you or when it is about your D and SD. It means being strong in the face of what she is doing to the M.... being the Rock. It does NOT mean inviting her to church or to plays. If you want to go to church great... she knows that you go. If she wants to come along, she knows how to reach you.

5. Realize that your only choice is to wait this A with OM out. Detach and as Paul McCartney wrote "let it be" ... I hate to say this, but you have to do the things that I just listed and let your W and OM's R become just that... a R. We all know that R's are hard and that problems develop the more serious that they become. Let OM be the only person that she has to rely on... don't give her that option B as an outlet. Problems will develop in their R... You can be there when it fails if that is what you decide to do.

6. Detach. Do it with love... with the idea that you love your W unconditionally and want her to be happy. But do it to save yourself emotionally.

7. GAL... dude, you have got to begin to do somethings that make you happy individually.

I know that i'm not being warm and cuddly with this post Islander. And I know that I'm saying some of the same things that I've said to you multiple times. But I think that you need a 2x4. Sorry.

I am still pulling for you man. I want to see you succeed with this. But you have to start listening to MWD and the advice that you are getting here on this board.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

Thanks for the 2x4. Doesn't bother me at all. I need to hear these things. Don't know why I don't listen to them more. Yearly I do I am afraid.

I feel that my W will just forget about me.

She will assume I don't care about her.

That I will just be making it easier for her if I "just go away"

I think I was doing pretty good until last month when she came home Nd said she wanted to reconcile. I haven't recovered from that yet, and that is the truth. It is not as raw right now, but it is just under the surface.

She is trying to blame me for the bad relationship she has with her parents. For the way her dad treats her and her mom. Truth be told, her dad and I really don't even talk about her anymore. We just fish and I go to church with them. BUT, I need them to help me when I have my D too. That is why they moved next door to us, and I don't have any other support down here to help me with my D. So I say all that bc my R with her parents is not going to just stop bc my W wants it to. And she knows this, bc the last time she said something about it, she said she didn't want me to stop seeing them, or something to that effect.

I don't know how I am supposed to respond to her when she contacts me. I go back and forth, should I ignore her, or respond to her in a friendly manner, but only respond to her and not contact her?

A silly question, but I am going to ask it, and it may show you how lost I really am: she wants to play words with friends with me on our iPhones. Should I play a game like that with her during this time. I really need to know an answer to this. I feel like she is reaching out to me in some form, and that it maybe some form of a baby baby baby step???

I have read DR, but not for a little while. I started to get worried when 3 or 4 other people here seemed to go down at the same time, and I thought that I was going to be next. Stupid, but that is how I felt.

[ninelives]

Islander:

You HAVE to start listening to these people. I know its like the pot calling the kettle black cause I slip as well. But Denver and TG make perfect sense and I believe they both have their W's with them.

You are soooo wrapped up in that R talk awhile back that you have let it define you as a person right now.

This MUST STOP. She hasnt done that lately and the pull back is a classic sign that she isnt ready for R with you.

I think you hang on her every workd waiting for that Recon talk again.

HOws that working out for you?

You know we care about you Islander and dont want to see you get hurt further.

Please start listening and being consistent with your DB and be Patient. I will also try and do this better.

We are in this together brother.

9

[sandi2]

Does your SD think you are her dad and your parents are her GP? And, does your D believe your W is her mother, and the two girls believe they are blood sisters?