How much longer in Separated?

[jon2911]

Well, I got what I wanted I guess. An answer.

Her doctor's appointment went great but took a while, and she decided to stay another night. I helped her fill her prescriptions. We went out to dinner at our favorite place, and were having a great time.

Then the conversation turned serious, she asked some questions about my parents and made some comments. I took the chance to say pretty much what I wrote a few posts above.

She responded "well, I'm moving ahead with the divorce, I filed two weeks ago". Boom. We left and picked up her prescriptions and talked for a while. She said in a nutshell that she's not willing to work on things. It hurts too much. Brought up a lot of things from the past, and that I'm still not stable financially or taking care of myself.

I'm floored. This doesn't make any sense. I can tell she's second-guessing it already, or she wouldn't even be here. She's been making comments the whole visit about how much she missed Dallas, and I can see the good memories coming back. I'll write it all out later.

I decided to Act As If the rest of the evening, which was hard but good. We watched the pilot for a new show Body of Proof, and an episode of Shark Tank. Love it that Mark Cuban's on there. She said it was nice to relax and watch the shows. We talked lightly a little more, then went to bed. I haven't slept well, getting some work done now. She'll leave around noon today.

And then what? Am I cool with these visits now that she's decided? I have no idea yet.

[jon2911]

W is on her way back. This will be a bit of stream-of-consciousness writing. Just need to get it out. I'm hitting a show tonight, then breakfast in the morning with a good friend, and fixing my truck with another good friend after that.

I decided to Act As If today, and it went well. Both mornings she came and joined me in bed. No ML or anything, but it was nice. We watched a show this morning, then she gave me a facial. Man, that hurts! I could never be a girl.

We had a good visit to Sam's. Ended up with way more groceries and things than we'd planned on. Her Debit card was declined, so she gave them a check. She'd already mentioned to me that the check she gave the doctor the day before would bounce.

We picked up her last couple prescriptions and she paid with what looked like her last cash. I asked if she had gas to make it home. She started crying and said no.

Back at the house she helped me put everything away and get organized. She's so amazing at that stuff, and taking care of people. It's like second nature.

I could tell she didn't want to leave. Gave her her Christmas present and she really liked it. We sat and talked for a few hours. She's hired a lawyer, which is one reason she's so broke. I asked her why she did that, that we figured it out just fine last time. She can't remember that. Having a lot of memory problems lately.

I told her the timing was curious. So soon after GFIL's death. She said he was disappointed that she hadn't finalized our D. So she wants him to be happy now. It turns out no one in her family was supportive of our M. That surprised me. I asked her if a single person she talks to was telling her to try. We agreed that family is just supportive of whatever they think we want. She apologized for keeping all of our contact secret.

It seems she really doesn't remember the good times over the last year. It's so frustrating. She talked about how we're comfortable together, we know each other well, but you don't stay in a loveless marriage, as just roommates, because of that. She's glad we didn't D while things were still hostile.

She told me her whole financial situation and thanked me for telling her mine. She didn't get nearly as much inheritance as I expected. Only 100K. Between Social Security and natural gas royalties she gets $1,000 a month. And her insurance costs $200. No wonder she's scared. She's thinking of moving to New York to be with SIL. She asked what I thought of that. I thought it would be good. SIL has done so well up there. She mentioned how much her family is shrinking with the grandparents gone. This struck me at the funeral as well. There's not much for her where she's living. She's close to Aunt but that's not enough. She plans to move in 6 months to a year. SIL said there's not much reason to come visit any more.

I really need to be reminded of "believe half of what you see and none of what you hear". She said D has always been her plan, that she never had any hope for us the last 3 years. It was just sticking her head in the sand that it didn't get done before, in spite of FIL and GFIL yelling at her to get it done.

I took a chance and told her I can tell this isn't what she really much. She said that was a slap in the face, that I should take her seriously. I told her I respect her decision and admire her strength, even though I don't agree with it. I told her D won't bring her any relief, that I'm worried about her. I told her what my C said, that there's so much help she could find on the non-medical side. Even her migraine doctor urged her to get psychological help when I sat in on an appointment. She just says "no one would understand your issues, or mine".

She admitted that her headaches have been much worse, that she hasn't been able to travel at all. It's been hard for us to get together. She said there's no one else, and she's not involved in anything crazy.

I told her counseling would really help, and she could see my C for free. She asked if he knew everything about my past. I told her how much we've been through it. She asked if this would be for her, or for us. I said for her. My hope would be that it would help our M also, but who knows? She seemed genuinely interested. Maybe she's getting desperate enough. Good memories were coming back to her as we drove around Dallas. She thanked me several times for taking care of her.

I guess I've been here before. A little over a year ago. The lawyer involvement definitely changes things this time, but whatever. I'm so sad to see her like this, and see her thinking that D will be the answer. Fighting her heart. Man, what a mess. Time to go GAL.

[jon2911]

On the financial side, she mentioned that the taxes have been weighing on her. I told her I need her help getting the papers organized. She thanked me for doing so much work on them every time.

I filled up her tank and then gave her enough money to make it home. That was hard to do.

She called me on the way home and thanked me profusely for the gas money. Then she called again with bad news the BIL's wife has a possible spine infection a week after having her baby. I told her I'd pray, and that I was heading to a show. She said she'd text when she made it in. I won't do this forever, but for now I'm willing to be a friend.

[Goodfight]

Jon,

I know it's hard to see from where you are, but you have come so far. Don't give up now. I know how you feel, just at the end of January my H was coming home and now, he doesn't contact me or our D14. Two days later after he was discussing coming home and how he had 7 months left on his lease I told him we can take it slow and he could still live in the apartment or we would figure something out. I got the text (I guess after he told his family) the D will not be put on hold, the house is to be sold, it's over!

I have no clue to what happened. But you are speaking to your wife, and spending time with her. I really think you are right, she is just afraid at this moment. I saw it in my H's face, he wanted to come home but didn't and he claims he didn't say things that he has said to me and D14. I don't know if they don't remember or they lie to themselves as far as your W not remembering.

I think they do things out of anger also. She said she filed for D, well mine did too, it was 2 years ago in January and thank God, it hasn't gone through yet. It should have gone through within a few months but he never pushed it again until this past Nov., when he was angry again about having to pay spousal support since he dropped me from his medical benefits. He thought he would not have to pay anything for my medical anymore and that would be it, but he was wrong so his lawyer brought up the D. I really believe they think to themselves that if I D so and so I will feel better, but it's not true and you and I both know that.....

I hope you are doing better. I wish I would get some advice from some more people on the boards too, but nothing. Anyway, I can't do anything since H has changed his number and has not contacted us since the middle of Feb. To top it off our D14 will be receiving Confirmation on the 30th and I don't know what to do. Do I send an invite? Does D14 write him a short note asking him to come? She wants him there so much, but she ended up telling him off for the first time like I posted on my thread when he called intoxicated and was yelling at her. But she held in her anger and hurt for so long and her C said she needed to tell him how she felt and to stop taking it out on me.

So she tells him through a voice mail and he never called back or anything. I'm really afraid with this NC, because it was H that did it and his family for some reason wants nothing to do with me, but I was the best thing that happened to him 15 years ago. They are blaming me because H didn't speak to them for over 12 years, and I had nothing to do with it but I guess he must have blamed me when he started talking to them again.

Sorry for venting on your thread, but listen...you are in contact and are GAL and they are positives Jon. I know how you feel, because I guess I'm DBusting all over again too. This is so hard. I just pray and pray, and that's all I can do, I have no way of contacting him except by mail and I won't do that except if people on the board tell me to invite him to D14's Confirmation.

[Loyalist]

Hi there,
I notice that you have been separated from your wife since 2007. That's when my husband and I separated as well. I'm going to try to catch up with your thread to understand you situation; I think we may have a lot of common ground. My husband left and has yet to get the divorce actually going and we go through phases of good talking and then arguing, then no contact. It seems I make some progress, then backslide into mistakes again--one step forward and two steps back kind of a thing...

Has either of you dated anyone else during this time? I don't know if my husband is seeing someone at present, though I think he may be. He seems to have just turned his back and now lives as if he is single, including not being responsible for his share of our house/financial obligations. I struggle trying to do this all on my own, but I am trying to go dark as the last time we spoke he just jumped on me and began criticizing. He pushed all my buttons and I let him. I know what you mean about starting DB 101 all over again!

Anyway, just wanted to stop and say hello. I'd be happy to chat anytime, lend an ear.

Stay well!

[jon2911]

Hang in there GF! I'll hop over to your thread.

Loyalist, thanks for posting, I'll go find your thread.

Very interesting developments here. I went on a four-day disc golf trip down to Austin with some of my best friends. It was fantastic. We had the whole thing planned out, all our favorite restaurants for every meal, etc. Good for the soul.

I talked briefly with W every night, and some e-mails and texts back and forth were very interesting. This reminds me why GAL is so important, because I'm not over-analyzing everything and jumping to conclusions and scaring her off.

Here are some text and e-mail excerpts for journaling purposes:

After W left on Friday:

W: "Just got home, thanks for checking"
W: "I made myself eat a hamburger"
- she's on a new med that takes away appetite and I asked about it
W: "are you busy still?"

Saturday:
"I thought I should tell you that the trip to the doctor and multiple pharmacies is paying off. I'm feeling really good"
- we had a nice talk after that

She also responded to my e-mail with my C's info: "Okay. Thanks for sending."

Sunday:
"sweet of you to check on me. Congrats! Did you see the bats?"
- I had told her we were down on Congress in Austin. We took W's entire family to see the bats fly out from Congress bridge once. Sounds crazy I know, it's an Austin thing. I called W later that night when the other guys were doing "wifey calls" and we had a nice talk.

Monday:
E-mail from W:
Subject: a site you might like

http://www.modernman.com/

Me:
Fun! I like some of these articles.
- I really had no idea why she sent it.

Her:
"The articles could tell you about health & groming, so I don't have to threaten that you could one day look like a hobo. You look nice by the way, but prevention is key. :)"

- this was a fun exchange. There was some of this going on before she left Friday, like she doesn't want me to be on my own. Or she's scared I won't take care of myself. Or she's remembering how nice it was to be a wife. Some of all I'm sure.

Also on Monday:
"The AAA membership expires on 4/29/11. The renewal fee for both of us is $79. I will go ahead and mail you the card, although I have not paid the renewal yet, so that you will hve the card. We save a substantial amount by being on the same account."

This is VERY interesting. Splitting up our AAA membership was brought up in the D talk on Friday. And our car insurance as well. I responded "Great! I think that's definitely worth it".

Supposedly, W was going to mail me the D papers on Monday. It doesn't sound like that happened at all. Time will tell.

[jon2911]

Loyalist,
To answer your question about the dating, no not seriously. W has had some flings which I found out about a year ago, and I haven't dated at all.

I even specifically asked her "is there someone else" last week. It does feel like we've reached a new level of honesty. It feels like we're much closer.

Today, my heart skipped a beat when I found a letter from W in my mail. Maybe she did it after all. Instead, it was the AAA card she'd e-mailed about. So she took the time to mail me that instead of D papers. That's a good change.

[Loyalist]

Hi Jon,
You know, I no longer know where my thread is... Sometimes I feel like if I think about it too much and post and discuss it too much I will not focus enough on my own GAL...
It's been a long few years and I've had some major ups and downs--more than I could have expected.

It sounds like you and your W are in a positive place. Keep it up and keep it light. :-)
Have you experienced going back and forth from positive to hopeless and back again? That's been my experience. I'm hoping that this current going dark will spawn some positive down the line.

Have a good night!

[River]

Hi Jon

Just want to add my voice to the others as someone thinking of you, and supporting you. After the situation seeming fairly static for some time, it seems like your W is in a new situation now and exploring new possibilities. When I read your post the other day about how you'd confronted the situation, and W said she'd filed, it didn't seem to me like something bad necessarily. Perhaps partly because it looks like she is, perhaps for the first time, gaining the opportunity to try out some decisions for herself (and thereby take responsibility for herself too). That strikes me as something of the greatest importance both for her own future welfare, and for your relationship together. She's been too long under the shadow of inheritance and domineering parent figures.

I think you handled the situation brilliantly, by staying calm, and by allowing her to put the idea of divorce out there and experience it as an imaginative reality. My impression from reading your thread over a long period is that she wants above all for you to be stable, independent, and able to support her in all kinds of ways (emotionally, financially, physically, and so on). Is that how you see it too?

By not freaking out, you proved your stability once again, and you didn't try to displace her emotions with your emotions. Instead, you clearly and calmly stated how you feel about the situation, and allowed her to test out her own feelings.

I think there's an important moment that you describe when you said you thought the divorce wasn't what she wanted: she called that a slap in the face. In other words, she hates it when you tell her what she feels (which is what her family has always done). However, you saved that situation immediately by telling her that you respect her decision.

To put that another way, it seems significant that she repeats that her family had been telling her to D you. Yet she didn't file. Now that GFIL has passed away, she actually files (she says). Meaning? Perhaps it indicates that it's really important to her to be able to make her own decisions. She doesn't want either you or the family telling her what to think or feel, she wants to find that out for herself. By maintaining your presence of mind and respect for her decisions in these situations, you're allowing her to mature and flourish.

How interesting then that what follows this encounter is not the distancing or silence that one might anticipate following a filing announcement, but rather a string of nice little phone calls, texts, and future planning (e.g. AAA) which is specifically NOT about divorce. Moreover, she sits in bed with you, gives you a facial, and then sends you a link to the modernman website -- and doesn't point you to the dating aspects of that site (as in, move on), but points you to the parts about caring for you- health and grooming. And suddenly, after so much pain, the medicine starts to work, she feels really good.

Just thinking back to an earlier post about you buying a new laptop and her reacting so strongly: sounds like, again, her fear of you not being able to take care of yourself, not being responsible, not being in a position to look after her. But by being upbeat, stable, and caring for yourself in different ways, you take pressure off her (the fear that she might have to look after you in the same way she's had to look after other family members in the past), and you allow her to grow and find herself.

The situation seems simpler in a way now that her inheritance has been disclosed (i.e. that it's not large), and yet your feelings for her and your responses to her remain stable. I imagine that's really important for her too.

It's impossible to know what will happen next; perhaps she will send the papers through, maybe she won't, but what seems more important is the strength and stability you show through this time, as she comes to see you again not through the eyes of her GFIL or her family, but through her own eyes, which are, after all, the eyes through which she saw you when you first fell in love.

River

[jon2911]

Fantastic thoughts River. I really appreciate it.