Thanks for writing back to me. How do you know so much and you are just at the beginning of this mess? You would think I knew more but I don't.
What I did wrong was called him at work and left a message and when he called me back I defended myself when he was saying how bad our M was when it wasn't. I should have never contacted him, I think I fell for his trick or whatever he wants to call it. I also told him that I was standing for our M and we still love him.
Whenever he gets angry he goes to his lawyer, I get a letter about him pursuing the D and get like you said anxious as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I mean I'm just guessing at why he does this, and now I'm really anxious because in the letter it stated he was anxious about resolving the outstanding D matter. He told me that he does want it finalized by June or July because he is relocating (if it is true), can't see him leaving his extended family. It just seems he is more determined now to finalize the D, I don't even know whether to believe this is a MLC or not anymore. I did say to him that just because a piece of paper is signed doesn't mean all the feelings go away and he went completely silent.
Am I glad now that he didn't come home, yes. He is still in a really bad state, he sounded worse yesterday and more confusing, like he couldn't stay on one subject than ever before but I told him when he wanted to come home we would have to take it very slow. He even told me that he had 7 more months left on his lease when he wanted to come home and I said, well, we aren't going to live together right away anyway, and I think it shocked him when I said it. I think he thought I was going to let him right back in again. But then again, he changed his mind because his family got involved, but he told me he changed his mind because there was never any trust and went on and on about how awful our M was.....if it was that awful then why would he keep me on this string for over 2 years now? Why want to come home 2 months ago? Why tell me how he hasn't been with any OW and only me since the separation? I think deep down he knows it wasn't a bad M but won't ever admit it to me.
I'm really sorry for acting so anxious Punkin, it's just that I always was an anxious person about everything my whole life and just when I was finally having some good weeks the bomb hits again. I asked God to show me a sign that he wanted me to stand for my M a couple of times in the past few weeks, and I must have passed H at least 6 or 7 times and each time it was a different time of the day. So I was really feeling so much hope and then I get the letter, so now I'm depressed again.
I have my good days and bad days like everyone here but it seems like I should be doing much better by now, and I also never in a million years thought that he would be gone this long.
Last year at this time he was talking about us dating and then a couple of days later he says he doesn't think it would be a good idea. He has me really believing I am a bad mother and such because our D14 is really out of control and he doesn't even know the half of it. My S20 has moved out and in with a girl that is no good and is only using him, he has lost all respect for me. S20's girlfriend has no respect for her parents or any adults and my S20 is acting just like her now.
It's just one big mess. Wish I could be as strong as a lot of other people on here. I don't feel sorry for myself at all, but I do feel like a failure at everything.
