He didn't sleep with me in the bed last night. That was really hard.
He chose to sleep on the couch. I didn't realize he was there until about 1 AM. I got up and asked if he wanted to come to bed and he said no. He had put the dogs in the bed to sleep with me though (I guess so I wouldn't have to sleep alone?). When I woke up this morning, he was still there. I told him I was up and if he wanted to sleep in the bed alone it was free, but he still declined. I know that couch is not that comfortable to sleep on (at least not a full night's worth). He's never not slept in the bed with me when he's home.
I asked about him speaking with Coworker (the one throwing us the couple's shower this Saturday. The one that I got specific permission from H to speak with about this whole sitch). He wanted to know why I wanted to know. I just told him if I was throwing a party for someone and they had been ignoring me for 6 weeks, I'd be pretty pissed. He said he spoke with Coworker briefly in the morning yesterday and made plans for lunch with him and another friend, but then they both ditched him. H seemed very hurt by this.
I was hoping Coworker would be more supportive of H. I know that Coworker is very upset with H, but I told him that I needed him to put his personal beliefs aside and be there for H during this because he had no one to go to and that's probably one of the reasons this had gotten so bad. I'm not saying Coworker doesn't have a right to be angry. H has done some terrible things. But I don't think it's going to help anyone to be an a-hole to H at this moment in time. He is not able/willing to accept responsibility for his actions right now, so giving him the cold shoulder just feeds his victim mentality.
Which makes me think that he is again putting the blame on me. If I had not said anything to Coworker, he would not know and therefore would not be abandoning H. So I'm wondering if that is why he slept alone last night. To punish me.
I also wonder if it's because of my actions last night. I came home after having dinner with a friend (much later than I told him too... didn't mean to do that intentionally, but it happened). We were watching One Hour Photo. I'd never seen the whole thing. We got to the scene where the main character discovers the father of the family he... admires? more like stalks.... is having an affair. This greatly upsets the main character. And it greatly upset me. I could only sit there for another 10 minutes before I abruptly got up and announced I was going to bed. I tried really hard to keep it together, but I just couldn't go any longer.
I don't know if H picked up on this or not. One of the few things H has communicated on frequently and consistently is the denial of any type of real relationship with person in California. He's really stuck to his guns on this, with that being the case with hardly anything else. But a part of me still just aches that this is simply a lie, like so many other things have been.
So I don't know why he didn't sleep with me. But it was really crappy regardless.
On a happier note, I auditioned for a church choir down the street from me (I used to be a heavily competitive singer, but haven't done anything in years). They seemed to like me so much they asked me to join that night to prepare for Holy Week in 3 weeks. And they were really good! It was so nice to be a part of a really nice choir and sing beautiful, complicated music again. There's also another pregnant lady in the soprano section with me, she's due two weeks after me. So it really filled my soul like it hasn't been filled in a very long time.
