New and saying hello

[Busting Mode]

wow. lot of typos in my response. sorry didn't edit it before posting.

[~¤DG¤~]

Busting...thank you so much for your words of wisdom.

[cat04]

DG,

I have read through your thread. A few things jump out at me right off the bat…

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that with all the people who do love me, I will never be alone.

DG—when you are happy with YOU, when you love and forgive yourself, when YOU can make yourself happy, then you will never be alone…

Even if there is not another soul walking the Earth…

Do NOT depend on other people for your happiness…

I know he doesn't want a D-at least right now but I don't feel like we are close to reconciling either.
I know I need to be patient, and I am trying my best to be, but this really [censored].
If he could just tell me that he wants me, he wants our marriage but he just isn't ready to come home yet, it would mean more than anything in the world.

I find comfort in his words. He tells me he loves me, he misses me, but then why won't he come home?

Reading through your thread…

I knew this was coming. He probably feels it too…

If he says that he wants to work on the M, gives you any encouragement at all, it won’t be enough for you…

Then the big question in bold will be asked…

DG, you have the right idea. You have a good intellectual grasp on what you should be doing. However I see very little in the way of you actually doing anything to try to change your behavior. I see you sitting and waiting to feel better. I see you sitting and waiting for HIM to do something to make you feel better.

Counseling is great, but it can become a crutch. You can talk until you are blue in the face…

Until you change your actions, your behaviors…NOTHING is going to be different…

DG, what are some concrete small actions that you can take to improve your life?

You may have had gastric bypass, but you are continuing to live as a person who is trying to lose weight without really doing anything to make it different…

[~¤DG¤~]

Cat...thank you for your response!
You are completely right, I am sitting around waiting for him and waiting to feel better.
Counseling has helped me tremendously, so I don't feel like it is a crutch for me.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure what concrete changes I can change, but I know something has to.
I am no longer checking cell phone records to see who he is talking to,
I am turning my phone off at night and with friends so I am not constantly checking my phone.

I do eat right and exercise.....

Any tips you have would be great.

[~¤DG¤~]

I can try to change my negative thinking, that would probably help, as well as stop obsessing about my marriage.

[jbnati]

DG -
What is something you really enjoy you haven't done for a long time? Is there anything you've always wanted to do but haven't?

Remember, this is just for YOU. Don't feel guilty about it, either. You are improving your own mental health.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hmmm....that's an interesting question.

I'm not quite sure, honestly.
I have wanted to try indoor rock climbing.
I'd like to buy a new bike and go biking. I love to bike. I have a second hand one that works I guess but I wouldn't feel comfortable going a long distance on it.
I am signed up to volunteer for a foster home for adults living with AIDS later this month....

[jbnati]

DG, Wow! Those ALL sound like excellent options! I've found the more I think it through, the more things I come up with. You should go out and do those things. It will put an extra bounce in your step. Plus - you won't be sitting at home beating yourself up. Once you start doing some of those things, you will spend at least some of your time thinking up more things to do.

[cat04]

I can try to change my negative thinking, that would probably help, as well as stop obsessing about my marriage.

This is an excellent step.

It is also easier said than done.

Goals of action, like biking, volunteering, rock climbing...

Having dinner with friends...

Are easier and a little bit more concrete.

The result of those sorts of thing, should eventually lead to the goal of stopping negative thinking or at least obsessing about your marriage. For the most part anyway.

A good reminder to help stop the negative self talk, is to wear a rubber band around your wrist. Snap it each time you have a negative thought. And change the thought to something positive. Sounds a little bit self punishing, and maybe it is, but you just might find that you want to avoid that pain enough to change your thoughts.

I think it is Grace over in MLC who describes this much better than I do.

Maybe someone around here can give you a better description. LOL

[♪CS♪]

A good reminder to help stop the negative self talk, is to wear a rubber band around your wrist. Snap it each time you have a negative thought.

I have read this before and I think it might be time I try it. It's either this, or carry a fork and stab myself in the leg...