Please be careful making decisions that you aren't ready to live..
Are you ready to not be married ?
I am intellectually and logical ready to not be married yes. The emotional connection to her part is where I am not ready, but rapidly working on it. I decided this morning to put my ring back on.
Paper,
This, your anger, and your uncertainty about the ring, tell me that you really aren’t ready to not be married. You may feel “intellectually” ready, but it isn’t as simple as that.
I am glad that you decided to keep the ring on, no matter what you think it says to her, because it is more about what it says to you. And where you are in this. When and if the time comes, you will just know it. And you will be emotionally ready.
A funny thing about emotions and logic.
We think logic precedes our emotions. It doesn’t.
Just because something makes sense, doesn’t make us not hurt or be happy or whatever…
Our emotions, are what make the logical fit and work. Until the two are really reconciled within us, there will always be an internal battle.
Yes sometimes it is easier to get the emotions to match the brain, but it still takes time and until the two go together, you can’t really live it.
Originally Posted By: Paper
I really need to be angry with her, and hate her. I need to not give a s--t about her. I wish I could separate her as the kids mother from my feelings of her as a wife, but I can't, so I have to shut her off completely.
I want to encourage you to NOT detatch in this way.
This is actually your brain trying to tell your heart how to get where you think you need to be.
Unfortunately, this is only going to lead you down a road of bitterness that will taint each and every relationship that you have in the future, with every person you encounter.
Originally Posted By: Paper
Originally Posted By: Mach1
This tells me that you aren't.... Maybe you can just be for a while..
With all that is going on with planning to go home, planning for her to move out, her solidifying her job, and me having all these emotions and having to see her every day is preventing me from just "being". I cannot yet just be at the point of living empty which is what "just being" is to me.
This is a huge BUT without using the word. You are making excuses as to why you can’t just live for a while without trying to steer this ship somewhere.
And why does just being have to mean "living empty"?
Can't it mean just living?
Originally Posted By: Paper
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Just learn to be you again, without having it be one way or the other.....just for you
Does your marital status define who you are way down inside ?
What does define you ???
Thoughtful questions: I AM defined alot by marriage. Not only in a societal sense, but also in my emotional sense to my wife. It's not that I don't know who I am anymore, it's just that a huge part of that is being with her and being married both. I must add, that being where we live for now, it is VERY tough to find myself and be who I want to be. Most of my friends, all of my family, and most of the things I like to do with my life in free time OTHER than with my family, are back at home waiting for us. Being in this place makes things so much harder. At home I would have that support structure, my church, places to go, friends to see, and things I like to do. None of those things are really feasible here. Which is why I am not so hurt we are going back early. With all that has happened I hate it here.
But since you asked, without her, I am still a father, a mentor to my children, someone who has friends, hobbies, and things I enjoy no matter married or not. Yes these all sound great and I try to remind myself, but still getting to that place as I am not there yet.
More excuses as to why you can't simply live...
Ok…
My answer to this question would look something like this…
I am a sexy, sensual, funny, bratty, often sharped toungued, intelligent, blonde as all get out, woman. I am simple with simple wants and desires.
A woman who loves good food, good music, time spent just enjoying the people in my life. Who loves quiet time in her head.
I have interests in “old” arts, such as crocheting, sewing, and woodworking. I love the mountains and green pastures and am most at home when in those settings.
Animals fill my soul. Nature brings me peace.
I love the arts, Broadway, classical music, historical things. Theme parks and things a little more risky, thrill me…
Additionally, I am a mother, I am a caregiver, I am a girlfriend, a daughter. I bring all of the above into those roles.
I don’t bring those roles into who I am anymore. Do I love being all of these roles? Most days…
But when the roles take over, you lose who you are. At your core. That, more often than not, happens to people after we start taking on roles such as mother, wife, father, husband…
Paper, my list, is who I am, without any of the roles. Without anyone or anything specific in my life. And that is who I am always going to be regardless of anyone else.
If my BF left me tomorrow…I would no longer be a girlfriend, but I would still be funny, sensual, bratty and sexy. His presence, or lack of presence, his desire to be with me or not, doesn’t change those things about me.
Those are the things that define me. I found all of that by just being for a while. Not worrying about which direction my M was going, who was living where or doing what.
Sometimes, you have to just be…and then you will find the answers…
So I am gonna ask the question again…
What defines Paper?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
