Looking for BITS. I'm OnMyWay

[OnMyWay]

Just had a texting volley with WAW. After our discussion (noted above) where we discussed liquidating our possessions, she found a buyer for some of our furniture. I reminded her that the discussion was just a brainstorming session and that she continues to take everything I say as gospel. I had though I was clear that I wasn't making any decisions yet and I'm not ready to sell furniture. She didn't get that part and still wants to keep some of the furniture anyway.

She kept asking if I was ok and if everything was going well for me.

I asked how her counseling session was. She covered it in some detail and admitted she is unbalanced in her thought process and requires professional help. I'm very happy she's decided to seek help, although I do believe it will be the end of our M. She also informed the counselor doesn't think she's depressed, but is suffering from extreme anxiety. I've never brought up depression - I suspect that is being fed from one of her friends who's been pushing her to get on anti-depressants.

She asked again how I was, if I was having any problems. I used the opportunity to tell her that I was doing well, but that I missed her, am unhappy about all this stuff, and feel we will make a mistake if we follow through with divorce, but I also let her know I've been making good progress on myself, am over the sadness, getting a handle on my emotions, and am still struggling with trying to rediscover myself.

To dodge the "us" issue, she told me about getting a great score on her exam at school. I reminded her how proud I am of her. She told me how proud she is of me being a good father to our daughter. Unfortunately, that opened up a whole other discussion, which made both of us sad and we both needed to change the topic.

This gets weirder and weirder by the day. I just don't know what to think about any of this. Perhaps it's time to go dark again. On the other hand, my gut is telling me it is time to step this up a notch and start spending some more quality time with her. It almost feels like she is reach out for it. Of course, I could be setting myself up, too. I do expect her to pull back from whatever progress we make.

[OnMyWay]

Well, that was interesting:

I came home from work where my WAW was waiting (she stays with our D in our home when I work evenings). I came in and gave her a big hug, with she reciprocating. Then we just sat and talked about a lot of stuff, including her counseling and her hopes/expectations of it.

Previously in our text volley, she had mentioned getting together for lunch or coffee to talk about what we were doing. I told her with our schedules, that would be difficult until she was out of school the end of May. She talked about her difficulties with financing school, etc. and was annoyed with my delay.

Then, I told her I was able to tell her exactly where I was. She asked me to go ahead. I told her I don't want to get a divorce. I told her, while I believe neither of us is ready, that I want our M back. I recognized that she didn't feel we could ever be the same again, and that I agreed with her, telling her I'd only accept better than that (more on this in a second) and that I believe our current M is actually "over." From where I stand now, I can clearly see other issues we've dealt with through out our M that it wasn't quite as good as we always assumed it was. In fact, I can see where there was lots of room for improvement and admitted I wished I'd of had a manual on M and we wouldn't be where we are now.

After, I asked her how she felt about all this. She said she knows this is basically how I feel, but there was something I said that struck her. That I said our M would have to be better. She felt that was something she understands and that she thinks she can be that person. That she can make that happen.

A victory? Perhaps, but I'm not expecting her home any time soon. I can see, as many others point out, if this is to happen, this will be a long process. However, I did tell her that I think she is worth it. I asked is she still wanted to go out for lunch. She asked, "What's the point, if this is where you stand." I simply replied, "It would be nice to simply have lunch with an old friend." I read on many other posts here on this board, "It's not over until I say it's over." Looks like I'm far from done!

Wonder what tomorrow night will bring when I see her again. I think I've already made as much progress as I can make, so I'll lay low unless she initiates something. Friday night, we will all be together, family-like, for a school carnival. I'm really looking forward to it, as it is the first time since her move out. Plus, I need the practice in handling myself in this new situation with the added stresses of our R in a public setting with screaming kids. Plenty of DBing opportunities for me there, I'm sure. Gotta keep my head on straight.

I can use all the help/suggestions I can get if anyone cares to chime in with words of encouragement. Plus, any criticisms for what I've done here?

It's late. G'nite BITS, I'll look forward to you 2x4's in the morning.

[OnMyWay]

Couple of additional "bits" of info:

WAW told me she may not have money for college during summer semester. She tried to get a credit card to pay for things, but was denied.

Also, while on her family visit to Florida, she and her sister (very close) got in a very nasty fight. Actually came to blows and injured MIL who got in between to stop them. This is highly unusual behavior for my W.

I guess the grass is not greener after all. Think I have to watch myself, as I wonder if all this may just be a ploy to bring me "in line" to where I'll pay for school. I doubt it, with the depression and all, I suspect she is truly having a hard time, but I must be careful not to be sucked in and become a door mat. She is the one who left, after all. Too bad she's having all these problems. I guess my life is not so bad.

[♪CS♪]

Very good progress! Keep up the good work!

[OnMyWay]

Thanks CS,

Not getting my hopes up, though. It will be interesting to see if she pulls back or remains open. She usually pulls back pretty hard, but I'm expecting that.

[OnMyWay]

Dammit. I hate it when she changes the plans around. She left without me to the school thing eventhough we had plans. Oh well, there's honestly nothing more she can do to hurt me anymore, so I'll just show up and smile. There'll be plenty of single moms there for me to flirt with.

[sparks14]

She felt that was something she understands and that she thinks she can be that person. That she can make that happen.

This seems very positive!

[OnMyWay]

We'll see sparks. We'll see.

I don't expect any changes until after she begins her counseling at the end of the month. Tonight, she was ok at the school function, but it was far from a "family" event. She took the opportunity to get out of there early - said she had to finish laundry and has to be at work early, which I believe is true.

Either way, my D & I get to hang out, see a movie, & stay up late! I'm getting my fun tonight! Plus, my D is spending tomorrow night at a sleep over, so I'll be on the prowl the rest of the weekend and W knows it. Sometimes, GAL is too much fun!

[OnMyWay]

W was "cleaning" her laptop and must have shorted out her keyboard, making her computer unusable. She actually texted me to ask if she could "talk" to me. Told me, after it dried out, that is still wasn't working and asked if there was anything I could do.

So, what? Now here's a problem where she's stuck, so it's time to hit up OnMyWay for a quick fix? I'm wondering what's in it for me. I do, actually, have a solution. Just not sure I'm willing to give away my skills to a woman who walked out on me without getting SOMETHING in return.

What would be the proper DB solution here? Thoughts?

[OnMyWay]

Felt like I was entering a different phase of my sitch, so I started a new thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2146685