confused bolt

[Bolt]

it's funny that just when you think you have it kinda figured out, you sleep on it and it all changes. I was in pretty good spirits last night but now I'm a wreck. I guess it goes with the territory but it's still feels impossible.

[seeking answers]

Bolt,

Grace have given you wise advice. Don't do anything out of an emotional reaction.

Time is what you need to make your decisions out of rational responses instead of emotional reactions.

Time is what you have.

[punkin]

Bolt,

The up and down, or the roller coaster ride as some call it, is not very thrilling, but it will pass and you will get time off for good behavior.

Just work through the ups and downs until you earn that little peace. Gradually, those little pieces of peace will begin to add up.

[Bolt]

I'm still grappling with the idea that just a few days ago, we were getting along fine. Now, I feel she hates me more than ever. I know it's not my job to understand why but it gets more painful each day.

I do see that when I don't talk to her, I'm more at peace...I can't help thinking of my kids...

I DO want off this coaster but I think (right now) the only way off is to have my old life back - and I KNOW that's not possible. That's the pain right now...

[cat04]

Bolt,

One day we were fine, the next day we weren't...

Seems to be the theme to the party that we have all attended.

It does feel like that.

Here is the thing...

Our S's, are acting on their feelings. It may seem like they have this all planned out, but they don't. And acting on feelings, makes things confusing and complicated.

When someone really plans an exit strategy (at least that I have witnessed), it is pretty clear to anyone paying attention, that there is SOMETHING going on.

Being in two different states with children, is something that you are going to have to think long and hard about. It may not be the best for any of you.

Your old life, it is what got you to this mess to begin with.

I will repeat, that you didn't cause her MLC, that would have happened regardless, but you did act in ways that made it easier for her to make you the bad guy.

So, I will disagree, that will NOT get you off of this rollercoaster.

Only you have the power to do that. You can continue to ride it, or you can join others on the platform to watch.

How?

Can't really tell you that cuz it is different for each of us.

Some suggestions...

Work through this initial shock and start to figure out what the business of each day is...

Get things done that need to get done...

And see how you feel and where that leads...

Stepping is necessary and the first one is always the hardest because we get too focused on it being the wrong step...

You can always backtrack if you have to... or make a right turn...

Just get to steppin'... (nickle Brook )

[Cadet]

I DO want off this coaster but I think (right now) the only way off is to have my old life back - and I KNOW that's not possible.

The only way off is to stop riding it.

Detachment is the single most important thing you must learn and change, until you do then you will ride the coaster.

It is a very difficult concept to learn but it is the only thing that will work. It is done in stages a little bit at a time.

Anything else you try to do or control will not work.

[Bolt]

Well, I'm not too much confused these days

I went over to the W's house to pick up all of my stuff and went in with a very positive attitude. I told myself, I can either be miserable and intolerant or fun and respectful. At first, it worked. I was very jovial with the kids, the W and the MIL (who is no LONGER an ally - I should have seen that coming a mile away). I even joked a little with the W.

But then I made the "mistake" of walking up the stairs from the basement to the garage to look for something. The W was in the garage and said, "Please don't walk through MY house without permission."

It took everything from going crazy. See, I was duped into signing a lease on this house so technically, it was every much as my house as it was hers. I couldn't believe she was saying it and she even muttered something about signing papers. I left but then let my emotions get a hold of me. I told her that until she gets me off the lease, I have every right to be there. She then threatened to call the cops. I told her to go ahead! I need some help moving!

I left and continued to move my stuff.

Things calmed down later and were left on better terms.
But I did see that this person that I loved doesn't exist anymore and may never come back. This person I'm interacting with isn't my W and therefore will not be treated as such. She is looking for any and every angle to dig at me and I refuse to let her anymore.

I guess I took a step forward today in acceptance...I know I will fall back but at least I am seeing the light and beginning to see that things will be much better sooner...

I'm sticking around these boards for a while for ME now...not for us or for our M...for ME.

[angel61]

Bolt,
I know, it feels like the hurt will never stop.
The most painful part is how it affects our kids.
But I have just learned a lesson on how letting my M make me fall apart has caused my D to lose her trust not only in one parent, but both. Now she feels she has no one to turn to. She has started self-cutting.

Take care of yourself, don't let anger rule you. Be strong for yourself and for your kids too.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

and may never come back.

I believe that with very few rare exceptions. They all look back at some point in time and see if there is a road back.

How you acted when she was at her worst, plays a part in how difficult that path is when she does look.

My take, and I'm not saying make it easy and have a limo waiting, but I am also not saying have lava flows and Dorkus Aurelius death traps.

[punkin]

Dorkus Aurelius? WTH is that? Marcus Aurelius half-wit brother?