Lila, yes, I think a lot of this is the responsibility aspect. I’ve always been the “cool” wife in the group of friends by giving him a lot of latitude with what he does or doesn’t do. We’ve always been able to balance each other out in that he takes care of the financial things, I take care of how the house runs, he takes care of filling up our social calendar, I take care of seeing that we actually fulfill the appointments we’ve agreed to. And it’s always worked well. But I think that now he understands that I can’t be the only one to come home at a certain time and he has to be active in more than just his normal ways overwhelms him. I most definitely think he’s being childish, but at the same time, I think that when she gets here, his Daddy role will kick in. But I think like you said, the perceived notion of how difficult it will be scares the hell out of him.
As far as the stuff with me goes, he will not be specific about what bothers him. He’ll come up with one instance of one behavior that is annoying, and then of course when I offer to fix it, he becomes flustered and shuts down. And he is unable to offer any other examples of annoying behaviors. I was not the most attentive wife in that I did not do a whole lot with him recreationally in the past year or so. After having read “His needs, Her needs” I realize how important recreational companionship is to most men. And I will admit I neglected that, but at the same time, as Bond pointed out, there were definitely missteps on his part as well. I went to grad school and worked 3 part time jobs; he worked one job, but would often work 12-14 hours days (self imposed) in order to climb the corporate ladder. We both put our careers first. And then when I got pregnant, I told him that we couldn’t be doing this anymore, at least not to the degree with both had been going. I definitely think he doesn’t appreciate this (he’s been told he’s going to be a manager over 20 people next year and he’s not even 30… don’t know how that’s going to work if I expect him to cut his day from 12-14 hours to more like 9). I had always joked about how I was putting H on the backburner throughout school, but he was (at least seemed to be) supportive about my career choice. I definitely was supportive of his (he literally started in the mail room 6 years ago).
And we went to one session of MC, we both bickered the whole time and did not accomplish much, so the MC suggested I come by myself once (I just cried during the MC session and she couldn’t understand half of what I was saying), and then H hasn’t come since then. He says he is uninterested in it at this time, but he is going to IC (and I found out he’s actually going MORE than the therapist thinks he needs to. This is what he told Best Friend anyhow). Originally I was going to keep going, with or without him, but we are using free sessions provided by his company, and we only get so many of those before they’re gone. If he’s not going, I’m using them up (and I’m going to IC… so what’s the point of me going to two therapists on my own?). One of the things we agreed to was that we would readdress the idea of MC at the end of the month (I currently have a booking on the 27th).
As far as his parents are concerned, they dislike me because they feel that I am the reason H decided to cut ties. Here’s the thing: H has the anger pattern where he seems like the laid back dude, until one day he just “snaps”. The “snap” happened about a year before he proposed to me (plus I got into a huge fight with his sister and they decided to get their noses into it). Now, we all know that those are not really snaps. They really are weeks, months, years of resentment where the person says NOTHING about anything until suddenly they can’t take it anymore, and the person on the receiving end is clueless about their level of frustration because nothing has ever been said, and the angry person just looks like they’ve lost their mind and this came out of nowhere. So this is what happened with his family (and quite a few other people… including me now, apparently; although like I said, I think this has little to do with me and mostly to do with the child). But I do plan to involve them as much as possible (ex: H is going out of town again… at least he told me this time…. And I plan on having dinner with his sister while he’s out), especially when it comes to the child. I may even invite them over when H is out of town if I can finish the nursery and they can see our house. I haven’t decided.
I got to talk to Best Friend for an hour and a half yesterday. He said H seemed in MUCH better spirits than the last time they talked and he was much more open. He said that while H did mention D as a “possibility” he thought the subtext said H was really uninterested in that. He did say H kept saying he wanted a separation. I’m not sure what the difference is for H. He also made mention that his “ideal situation” would be to have a bigger house, with a room that he could go to by himself, and a lot more money. Strange, right? It’s not that he wants to move out, or divorce me, or get a new wife, or live on the other side of the country and have unrestricted access to his child…. But he wants a bigger house to hide in with more cash.
He is just like a teenager. And I know that’s how he’s been acting, especially with the irritability, irresponsibility, and general lack of communication, but he literally wants to hide out in his room, play with his toys and be left alone.
However, I feel a lot of comfort in that I found that when I do make my logical arguments (thank you, Cognitive Behavior Therapy training), they stick. He got mad at me on Sunday for talking to “his” friends (another very juvenile argument) about what was going on and said that I “need to get my own friends”. Apparently he talked to Best Friend about this, sees the validity in my argument, understands why I’ve told whom I’ve told, and thinks it’s fine for me to talk with these people. Oh, but will he tell me I’m right? No. But I don’t need that. I really don’t. As long as he’s getting the message, I don’t give a crap if I never hear another word from him on that subject.
So I think we are making progress. Slow but steady progress.
I’ve got 6 weeks to go until my due date. And this kid will most likely come early (she’s huge). We’ve still got a long way to go.
