After a very tough day yesterday sorting thing out in my head, I feel a bit better today.
I have decided to stop wearing my wedding ring. Not sure what I will say when she asks (she will).
I am considering moving into the spare bedroom.
I am continuing going to the gym 3 times a week, and eating healthy.
I am spending lots of quality time with my kids.
Last night she asked about my day, how was work, etc. She also saved some dinner for me (I went to gym for a planned missed dinner). That was nice, but I need to think nothing of it. I really need to be angry with her, and hate her. I need to not give a s--t about her. I wish I could separate her as the kids mother from my feelings of her as a wife, but I can't, so I have to shut her off completely.
I need to disconnect from here in these ways (which I have not done yet): Not be attracted to her. Not want to spend time with her. Not feel the emotional pull of her. Genuinely not care what she is doing, or who she is emailing. Not feel that feeling in my gut when I know she will eventually be with someone else. Not be connected at all to her other than for logistics of living in the house.
This way of disconnecting is super hard as you know because she has all the characteristics of a woman/wife/companion/mother which I want. Long term goals, child raising, free time activities enjoyed, and all that. She has the body of my ideal woman. To make it even harder, today she just looked so perfect. Tighter denim above the knee skirt, nice dressy hoodie, and pony tail. It sounds silly, but if I could dress her in my favorite outfit, this would be it. She knows it too. Also, it is not something she would have worn 6 months ago (skirt).
One last DB thing: The other night, we were talking about our timing to return home (and for her to find a house and move out). I was not discouraging. I am continuing to work with her actively to arrange our going home timing, almost pushing the agenda. I don't know if this is giving her pleasure, or realization on my side it is inevitable and over. It is not only for her to want to go home to move out, it is also because the schools here are not good for my son, and we need to get home to our school at home for his needs (starts in August).
What is unclear to me, is when we move home, she has her job secured, and is moved out into her own house, what then? One hand she says she wants to do MC when we get home, but on the other hand, she simply is convinced that the things she needs, I simply can never provide, and she wants to move on. She said she would not see anyone (opposite sex) while we were living together. Short version, as the time gets close that she moves out, I need to get clarification what is the purpose of the MC, and what are the rules of us being apart, if any. Is this a separation, or divorce, plain and simple.
I also wonder what she will tell her friends and family. She would probably say "we grew apart, and we just couldn't make it work", where I would say "she is leaving me, and wants to find someone else". Interesting. Others in this situation, what has your spouse said when sharing with family and friends? When did they share? I know my wife has told a few close friends, but I wonder if as it gets closer who more she will tell. And if this is a separation and we have MC, then will she tell them we are separated, or getting a divorce. hmmm
IF she says this is a separation until we figure out things with an MC, there MUST be rules of some kind. I don't see how there is any reason for anything other than a divorce if she is not willing to have rules, and is perfectly happy to go date other people and for certain see the EA/OM.
I need to wrap my head around that it is over. Period. And just move on. I know this is the LRT is all about.
I am not familiar with your sitch, but I want to say this. I can only assume that you want to be M to your W. The issue of wearing the wedding ring is personal, and I questioned what I was going to do, and I came to this conclusion. I am M, and want to remain M to my W. My ring is a symbol of my commitment. Whether or not my W is wearing her rings or she feels committed, I am. That is why I am here and why I will wear my ring until the day I sign the D papers and it becomes final. Then there will be plenty of time for me to not wear my ring.
JMO. I would think long and hard about it though.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
I would take it off for ME. As part of LRT and totally disconnecting, and letting go. Do I want it to work, yes. But unless I let got completely in every way I can, I am not getting my life and letting go.
If I leave it on, then it is a sign to her she still "has me". As mentioned above, the LRT is all about her believing, because you really are, moving on and she no longer has a grasp on you.
So while my mind is not made up, if I don't wear it, then it will help me move on, and remind her she doesn't have me, and I am moving on. On the other hand, she may think to herself, great, he's getting it into his head we are done, let's move this along.....
So much of Dbing & LRT is based on doing the exact opposite of what your 'emotions' are telling you. Taking off your wedding ring is one of these situations. I think that you are right to do it, however you should time it so that it has the maximum effect in your favour. Whatever/whenever that time may be, only you can judge
FooFighter999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
I would take it off for ME. As part of LRT and totally disconnecting, and letting go. Do I want it to work, yes. But unless I let got completely in every way I can, I am not getting my life and letting go.
If I leave it on, then it is a sign to her she still "has me". As mentioned above, the LRT is all about her believing, because you really are, moving on and she no longer has a grasp on you.
So while my mind is not made up, if I don't wear it, then it will help me move on, and remind her she doesn't have me, and I am moving on. On the other hand, she may think to herself, great, he's getting it into his head we are done, let's move this along.....
Please be careful making decisions that you aren't ready to live..
Are you ready to not be married ?
Quote:
Torn, angry at life.
This tells me that you aren't....
Maybe you can just be for a while..
Just learn to be you again, without having it be one way or the other.....just for you
Does your marital status define who you are way down inside ?
Please be careful making decisions that you aren't ready to live..
Are you ready to not be married ?
I am intellectually and logical ready to not be married yes. The emotional connection to her part is where I am not ready, but rapidly working on it. I decided this morning to put my ring back on.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
This tells me that you aren't.... Maybe you can just be for a while..
With all that is going on with planning to go home, planning for her to move out, her solidifying her job, and me having all these emotions and having to see her every day is preventing me from just "being". I cannot yet just be at the point of living empty which is what "just being" is to me.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Just learn to be you again, without having it be one way or the other.....just for you
Does your marital status define who you are way down inside ?
What does define you ???
Thoughtful questions: I AM defined alot by marriage. Not only in a societal sense, but also in my emotional sense to my wife. It's not that I don't know who I am anymore, it's just that a huge part of that is being with her and being married both. I must add, that being where we live for now, it is VERY tough to find myself and be who I want to be. Most of my friends, all of my family, and most of the things I like to do with my life in free time OTHER than with my family, are back at home waiting for us. Being in this place makes things so much harder. At home I would have that support structure, my church, places to go, friends to see, and things I like to do. None of those things are really feasible here. Which is why I am not so hurt we are going back early. With all that has happened I hate it here.
But since you asked, without her, I am still a father, a mentor to my children, someone who has friends, hobbies, and things I enjoy no matter married or not. Yes these all sound great and I try to remind myself, but still getting to that place as I am not there yet.
Journal for today: I AM LETTING GO. To make it through this phase, and to find myself, I am moving on from her. In my mind, I no longer have a wife in spirit. I have a woman who lives in the same house as me with whom we jointly raise the kids. I must not care for her, not love her, and not be attracted to her. Any hope or emotional connection I keep just hurts too much and prolongs the pain. My ability to remain connected while she goes through this has been reached.
I still have some hope, I still know we could have a great different marriage. But in the meantime, I AM moving on. In a few months we will move home, she will get her own place to live. The kids will be split between two homes. The rest is unsure.
Please be careful making decisions that you aren't ready to live..
Are you ready to not be married ?
I am intellectually and logical ready to not be married yes. The emotional connection to her part is where I am not ready, but rapidly working on it. I decided this morning to put my ring back on.
Paper,
This, your anger, and your uncertainty about the ring, tell me that you really aren’t ready to not be married. You may feel “intellectually” ready, but it isn’t as simple as that.
I am glad that you decided to keep the ring on, no matter what you think it says to her, because it is more about what it says to you. And where you are in this. When and if the time comes, you will just know it. And you will be emotionally ready.
A funny thing about emotions and logic.
We think logic precedes our emotions. It doesn’t.
Just because something makes sense, doesn’t make us not hurt or be happy or whatever…
Our emotions, are what make the logical fit and work. Until the two are really reconciled within us, there will always be an internal battle.
Yes sometimes it is easier to get the emotions to match the brain, but it still takes time and until the two go together, you can’t really live it.
Originally Posted By: Paper
I really need to be angry with her, and hate her. I need to not give a s--t about her. I wish I could separate her as the kids mother from my feelings of her as a wife, but I can't, so I have to shut her off completely.
I want to encourage you to NOT detatch in this way.
This is actually your brain trying to tell your heart how to get where you think you need to be.
Unfortunately, this is only going to lead you down a road of bitterness that will taint each and every relationship that you have in the future, with every person you encounter.
Originally Posted By: Paper
Originally Posted By: Mach1
This tells me that you aren't.... Maybe you can just be for a while..
With all that is going on with planning to go home, planning for her to move out, her solidifying her job, and me having all these emotions and having to see her every day is preventing me from just "being". I cannot yet just be at the point of living empty which is what "just being" is to me.
This is a huge BUT without using the word. You are making excuses as to why you can’t just live for a while without trying to steer this ship somewhere.
And why does just being have to mean "living empty"?
Can't it mean just living?
Originally Posted By: Paper
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Just learn to be you again, without having it be one way or the other.....just for you
Does your marital status define who you are way down inside ?
What does define you ???
Thoughtful questions: I AM defined alot by marriage. Not only in a societal sense, but also in my emotional sense to my wife. It's not that I don't know who I am anymore, it's just that a huge part of that is being with her and being married both. I must add, that being where we live for now, it is VERY tough to find myself and be who I want to be. Most of my friends, all of my family, and most of the things I like to do with my life in free time OTHER than with my family, are back at home waiting for us. Being in this place makes things so much harder. At home I would have that support structure, my church, places to go, friends to see, and things I like to do. None of those things are really feasible here. Which is why I am not so hurt we are going back early. With all that has happened I hate it here.
But since you asked, without her, I am still a father, a mentor to my children, someone who has friends, hobbies, and things I enjoy no matter married or not. Yes these all sound great and I try to remind myself, but still getting to that place as I am not there yet.
More excuses as to why you can't simply live...
Ok…
My answer to this question would look something like this…
I am a sexy, sensual, funny, bratty, often sharped toungued, intelligent, blonde as all get out, woman. I am simple with simple wants and desires.
A woman who loves good food, good music, time spent just enjoying the people in my life. Who loves quiet time in her head.
I have interests in “old” arts, such as crocheting, sewing, and woodworking. I love the mountains and green pastures and am most at home when in those settings.
Animals fill my soul. Nature brings me peace.
I love the arts, Broadway, classical music, historical things. Theme parks and things a little more risky, thrill me…
Additionally, I am a mother, I am a caregiver, I am a girlfriend, a daughter. I bring all of the above into those roles.
I don’t bring those roles into who I am anymore. Do I love being all of these roles? Most days…
But when the roles take over, you lose who you are. At your core. That, more often than not, happens to people after we start taking on roles such as mother, wife, father, husband…
Paper, my list, is who I am, without any of the roles. Without anyone or anything specific in my life. And that is who I am always going to be regardless of anyone else.
If my BF left me tomorrow…I would no longer be a girlfriend, but I would still be funny, sensual, bratty and sexy. His presence, or lack of presence, his desire to be with me or not, doesn’t change those things about me.
Those are the things that define me. I found all of that by just being for a while. Not worrying about which direction my M was going, who was living where or doing what.
Sometimes, you have to just be…and then you will find the answers…
So I am gonna ask the question again…
What defines Paper?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
A few comments on the MC. First, I agree that you need clarification on what the purpose. My W's friend went to MC and the sole purpose was to get her DH on board with the D and work through the parenting issues. Personally, I think it was unfair because it gave the guy false hope as there are other ways to do this. She also might be confused about things.
You have to remember RIGHT NOW she thinks she need things you can't give her. That can changes, assuming you know what those things are.
If it is traditional marriage counseling, I think it's going to be hard on your to both detach and be an active participant in that.
As for the separation. Google temporary marital separation and you will get a lot of views on it. An MC should also know about it. If you do it, most experts agree that you need to have a set of rules. The first and foremost is no dating others.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I will think about "who I am". I think posting that up here will help me.
As far as not being angry and bitter. I don't know how else to let her go, and move on, other than to shut her out of my life emotionally. I would bet if I had a love interest on the side, it would be easy to forget her (like she has me). But I have more morals and character than that, so I will not and would not. Suggestions how to move on without using my anger to emotionally separate from her?
Due to our having to move back this summer, we have to make plans for moving, kids school, her job (which was in the cards when we got back anyway, has nothing to do with the R), etc. So we have no choice but to have to make the plans to move home and not just be (and not steer the ship). I have no choice in that, because either I engage and do what is best for me and kids, arrange my job, etc, or else I will come home one day and she will have left, and gone home with the kids.
So once we move home, What then? If I just let things be and we don't discuss anything, then she will be the OM when we are home (where he is), and move out as soon as she finds a house.
I am not saying you are wrong to just "be", anything but that. However I just don't see in my sitch how we cannot have to discuss these things, and make plans due to unique situation.
Harrier - agreed on the separation - the only separation that can work is one with rules. If she refuses even the basic set of rules, well, I guess there is my answer. Last she told me she would not see the EA/OM until we were not living together. Somehow that tells me she is intent to see him after she moves out, but I have not yet broached that subject (but I will have to before the day we move home).
Thanks all. I really am not trying to shoot down what I read, I really am taking it in. As you would expect my mind is very muddy these days, and hard to think clearly. I am a very organized logical (and now crazy horny) man. This is about the hardest type of situation for me to deal with, since it is all emotion.
