Actually I think he could benefit from this talk as well. I don't think I'd be where I am without MC. (I had an IC as well) I understand the issues of costs and finding one.
I think he said his W isn't ready for MC, yet. But I hope she gets there. I don't want to suggest that you cant' succeed without MC. You can.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
MC/IC cost is not an issue, we get it for free through the military. Finding the right one can be a bit tougher though. I have not breached the subject of MC with W since she got back. I am hoping that she decides she wants to do it on her own, or maybe it will come up in her IC, but I am not going to push the issue. If anything I will let her know that I will be a fully willing participant if she decides she wants to go.
Funny how you mention focusing on the positive interactions...we went to a birthday party at a friends' house yesterday after my "reach out". I totally overlooked it at the time, but W said something to me and reached up and scratched at my arm while she was saying it. Not much different than what I did, IMO.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Well, apparently touching her arm was a big deal after all. Got home from work today and W was very cold and distant. I asked if she was ok, and she said that the brushing her arm thing really upset her...and said she thought she might have been sending mixed signals since she came back. Then she reminded me that she came back so the kids can be around both of us, not for us and that she's still in that same place. I just listened to her, told her I understand where she's at and that I respect that and I am sorry about my momentary lapse in judgment.
So...i'm not sure what to do now...pretty sure we're not piecing here though. I guess it's back to being the best husband I can be.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Navy, I have no experience here, but I have read on this board the WAS gets close and pulls back, gets close pulls back gets close, rinse and repeat.
I don’t think you are piecing either, but you are doing much better than I. She says she came back for the kids, Ok. Making it about the kids give you a chance to show her the man she wants while making it about the kids.
Patience LtCMDR. Keep doing what works. She’ll tell you when she’s ready for more.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS: I have read the same thing as far as her getting close and then pulling back, and I expected that. I am just not sure that is what happened here.
It seems like she was being nice to me but then as soon as I tried to touch her it made her think that she had been sending me signals that she wanted to work on things, so now I think she feels like she has to be cold and distant in order to make sure I don't think that she wants to work on things. I am also worried that the "touch" made her not want to go to IC.
The other thing that has me really confused is that I don't know if she has an idea of what "the man she wants" is. I'm taking my best guess at it, but I am struggling with knowing if I am guessing correctly or not.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Navy, I am just an old grunt, and this is all just my opinion.
It seems to me she was beginning to relax and you read signals of that. IMO she needs to relax and get comfortable before thinking about making any further progress. She needs to trust. I have not gone back and reviewed your previous posts for specifics.
There were reasons she left and you’ve made changes….180s.
She needs to trust those changes are real and permanent. How much time will be required is unknown. How much patience do you have? We know there is no magic. We know this is a long hard slog over muddy ground.
She needs to perceive coming back is not her sacrifice. Have you reviewed the detachment and emotional boundaries pages referenced in these forums? If not google detachment, look for the livestrong site pages. How can you apply that information?
What else you need to do can only be determined from your interpretation of the information you can gather. Be fact based here, don’t speculate. Change for you; improve yourself to achieve your goals. Do not sacrifice. Do not change for her. The changes will not be real or permanent and you likely will find yourself worse off eventually.
I made that mistake. I changed for her. I sacrificed. Resentment from the sacrifices was a starting factor in creating my sitch. I felt owed and it showed, subtlety at first, ugly later. Do not make one of my mistakes
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
The other thing that has me really confused is that I don't know if she has an idea of what "the man she wants" is. I'm taking my best guess at it, but I am struggling with knowing if I am guessing correctly or not.
Best not to look at it this way. Be the best person YOU can be. Deciding whether that new person is best for her? That is her choice.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Well, got home from work today and W was in a much better mood. I was prepared for the worst, and fortunately didnt get it. After playing with the kids for awhile, we put them to bed and got take out and watched biggest loser together. Definitely a much better night than last night.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Navy, I am just an old grunt, and this is all just my opinion.
It seems to me she was beginning to relax and you read signals of that. IMO she needs to relax and get comfortable before thinking about making any further progress. She needs to trust. I have not gone back and reviewed your previous posts for specifics.
There were reasons she left and you’ve made changes….180s.
She needs to trust those changes are real and permanent. How much time will be required is unknown. How much patience do you have? We know there is no magic. We know this is a long hard slog over muddy ground.
She needs to perceive coming back is not her sacrifice. Have you reviewed the detachment and emotional boundaries pages referenced in these forums? If not google detachment, look for the livestrong site pages. How can you apply that information?
What else you need to do can only be determined from your interpretation of the information you can gather. Be fact based here, don’t speculate. Change for you; improve yourself to achieve your goals. Do not sacrifice. Do not change for her. The changes will not be real or permanent and you likely will find yourself worse off eventually.
I made that mistake. I changed for her. I sacrificed. Resentment from the sacrifices was a starting factor in creating my sitch. I felt owed and it showed, subtlety at first, ugly later. Do not make one of my mistakes
Bravo JS... Great advice... I needed that as well.
Thank you.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I owe you one JS...your advice really helped me go home last night and be the person I want to be.
Right before bed last night I asked W if she'd be interested in finding a church to start going to.
She said her brother had given her the names of a couple in the area. Then she asked me why I was all of the sudden interested in going to church.
I responded with "I've been talking to a chaplain at work once in awhile and he suggested it and I think it could be a good thing for me".
She said ok, then I said good night and went to bed. W ended up sleeping in D5's bed (she has a queen size).
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
