Bobby, IMO you need to detach from the emotions of this and stop reacting to everything. Showing anger, frustration and hurt, is not attractive. If she was weighing her choices then IMO you came up short. It is past time to be the better choice.
Work on detaching and becoming the better choice.
Review this post and apply it. There is no magic, just a lot of hard work to accomplish.
Originally Posted By: Denver
In the meantime, I'm going to repost 37 DB rules that I found when I first came here. They helped me a lot when I was first starting, and still do. Read them, then read them 100 more times. Learn to live and breath by these rules... talk to you soon.
BITS Denver
Here ya go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
My S11 tells me today that the day the bomb hit he cried terribly and begged her to reconsider she told him I'm sorry but I'm not changing my mind. Man did that hurt!
Why would she say something like that to him? I'm sure her councilor is pushing hard on this.
I really cant afford a phone coach right now, has anyone in my sitch been able to save it with phone coaching.
W is definitly on The MLC roller coaster and it is complicated by OM.
Cake eating is when your W gets to have her cake and eat it too. She gets to get her emotional and maybe physical needs met by the OM and then gets all the benefits of living in the house with you.
Tell her you won't live in an open marriage. Tell her you know she's lying about them just being friends and she might as well save her breath if she's going to deny it.
Tell her you don't care what she does or who she is with. Tell her if she wants to continue having an affair she needs to pack her stuff up and move out.
Since you've outed her, if you don't take a strong stand she will see you as weak and condoning her behavior.
That's cake eating.
Did you get the book that was suggested to you? Bob Glover's "No More Mister Nice Guy"
I STRONGLY suggest you but that book and bury yourself in it.
This is what I see as your problem. It was my problem when I came here, and the same problem we all have when we are new:
You are doing what you are doing to get a reaction from your W in a direction you think is giving you what you want.
Let me ask you this - how do you know she doesn't need to move out, have an R, have it fail for her to see you are the better choice for her? (rhetorical question)
We think we know how to 'control' what's going on. Get this through your head - You have absolutely NO control. Focus on you, build a better you, create a great life that any woman would want to be in. If your W sees it and jumps on the train with you then great. If she doesn't, you'll be that much better for the next one.
Stop focusing on her, her reactions, etc... That's you jumping on the roller coaster with her. Get off and stay off.
She will vacillate all over the place. My W and I ML a month before she dropped the D bomb - after a few months of MC where she just blew smoke up my ass.
Forget any 'signals'. Sometimes their guilt drives them into doing things you'll interpret as coming closer to you.
And yes, as you improve, her behavior will worsen. You're throwing a wrench into her plan. You have to be made out to be the boogy man in order for her to leave. She will most likely attempt to minimize and even destroy positive changes you make in yourself.
Do it for you and not to save your M.
All of the things I've written are hard to do. Some impossible at the stage you are at. The closer you get to them, the better your chance of saving yourself.
By the way, everything you've written can be seen all over these boards. The WAS runs a basic script and they are similar to everyone else's sitch.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Woke up very angry. When I collected myself I told her we need to have the financial disscussion today.The S14 now gets ssi and she is the payee. $4,000 in back pay. She shops as therapy and things have to be taken care of she will NOT use my checks as bill money any more,while she exploits the S money from SSI, feel like she had planned this all along.
Ive outed her but she is in total denial.She lies and lies and lies all the while seeking people to validate her choices makes me want to puke.And this woman wants to work at DHS @#$%%^^&&*@#@!
Yes, Bobby, cheaters do lie. Nearly 100% of the time. That's reality, and you're going to have to deal with it, and come up with a plan on how to protect yourself and your son. Wailing about how "unfair" it all is, and wallowing in anger is not going to help you. Give yourself a day to do that (and some moments from time to time -- it's natural), but then get to work, asking folks here for help.
hAS BEEN HOME THE LAST 2 DAYS AT NIGHT,PROBABLY GUILT.Went S11 concert with W tonight. I really said next to nothing while keeping my distance.She kept backhanding me on the arm every time she wanted to say something mundane.Has neen a small bit chattier lately but still texting OM on the phone with a smirk on her face.
What do I do now go even more grey or dark?really hard to keep up a pleasant demeanor when all I want to do is take her in my arms and hold her. I will not move out (dont have the money and she has not initiated any R talks so I feal like Im in limbo now.So tired everyday a marathon. Im mostly stoic.
Its 1:30am and ive found more evidence on my desktop,cannot get this out of my head. W has professed to me that her 1st husband had an affair on her and she would have respected it more it he had been open and honest,yet years later here she is doing that exact same thing while acting like the "perfect mother"
Ive been puruseing thease boards enough to wonder how many success stories there really are. Seems to me there arn't very many when I look at the community as a whole. Im extremely depressed and she acts as if everything is all wonderful she giggles and chats excessivlly (cell phone addict) is she a better actor or could there actually be ANY guilt for what actions she has taken OM in her head. I watch,watch,watch and dont see anything.
I cannot float this house myself with what I make,But as steady has recomended...do I ask her to leave(boundaries) Continue to bite my tongue and be a laughingstock in town.This is a woman that seems to have absolutly no remorse at all for anything. What drives aperson to be that way MLC? This whole thing is killing my right now because i am a person who seeks to understand
