Seperate rooms last night. She cried a lot about how intense her work is at the moment, and how she didn't have any time to think. I offered to go away for a few days so she had space but she said she didn't want that. She's confused. We've broken up but we're still sharing a bed, and having a hug when she gets in the door. I said that was because I was trying to preserve at least a modicum of intimacy until she's decided whether she wants to invest in this relationship or not. She said intimacy for her is conversation, I told her for me it is touch. She is confused that I have packed up a lot of stuff on one hand, and told people we've broken up, but on the other hand am still wanting that intimacy and to fix things. I said touche! I want to be realistic. And realistic right now is that I'm leaving as that's what she effectively asked for when we split up, and is the likely outcome irrespective of counselling. Packing boxes is reminding me of what is happening to, and making it real in my head.
She came home late from work after I'd gone to bed and came and gave me a hug and peck on the cheek and asked why I hadn't had dinner (I had in fact) and if I wanted her to climb into bed with me. I said no, that's OK, I've eaten and I'm OK, there's no need to worry.
A good sound night's sleep, a hug and peck on the cheek this morning and a "see you at lunch" when I was still pretending to be asleep.
We'll see what counselling holds. I am scared, but it must be done.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
