My Marriage in a Crisis

[4everarose]

Hi, I am new here. My life was turned upside down July 6, 2010. It became on Mother's Day of 2010, when my husband of 13 years began to tell me he needed space and thought we should separate for awhile. This was a behavior that I had never seen in him before. He had NEVER short changed me on any holiday in the past, but on that day...he took me to dinner very early in the day and brought me back home and left. Well I began watching his behavior and noticed the distance and coldness he was displaying at home. He is a Sgt. at our local prison working the 4-11pm shift. Then it was off to his second job of delivering the town's local newspaper from 2am till 6:30 am. Well this particular morning, I woke up from a deep sleep and a voice in my head told me to get dressed and check on him. Low and behold he was not at the newspaper drop. I began calling his cell (no answer). I left messages after messages but no luck. I was furious that I went back home and packed his things. He didn't bother coming home till around 9:30 am that morning. Decided since I had his things pack, he would go ahead and leave even without a fuss or asking why!!! I knew in the back of my mind, he wanted this any ways. Later I found out that he had moved in with a co-worker 13 years younger than he. This was planned but he didn’t know how to tell me. He is 36 black man and she is 23 white woman with 2 small children ages 2 and 3 both with different fathers. I am a 41(woman of color). When I confronted as to where he was living, he denied it stating he was living with some guys from the prison. When I showed him evidence (pictures) of his cars in her driveway… he told me they were only friends and he was sleeping on her couch. My husband and I are best friends; he was there for me when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004. We have always been happy and I couldn't figure out what went wrong. All I could figure, was I went back to get my Masters degree in Educational Leadership and I was not there for him as he needed me to be. He lived with her for 6 months and out of the blue wanted to come back home. He moved back with me and our son January 11, 2011. Since he has been back home he appears to be confused, depressed and aggravated at me and the world. As far as the other woman, I think she is still trying to pursue him, but he tells me it's over. It is hard washing his clothes because I keep finding long strands of blonde hair deposited on his belonging from living with her. He will not talk about the incident at all. The more I talk he becomes defensive. We have not been fully intimate since his arrival back home. He only holds general conversations with me. Other than that, he is silent. He mopes around the house in a depressed manner. When I tell him that I love him, he never responds back. He told me this woman let him live with her free of charge and now he doesn’t want to help me at home. He ignores my calls, text messages, does not kiss me, nor hug me or anything married couples normally do. Could anyone shed some light to help me decide if he's having a midlife crisis? I cry daily, begging him to let me in. I asked him, if he wasn't ready to commit to the marriage again, why did he come home? He just says, "I don't know!!" I feel alone and hurt. I get so paranoid thinking he’s going by her house during his paper route in the wee hours of the morning. I constantly find myself driving by her house to spy to see if he's there....but he never is. I know I am letting this woman consume me, but it's so hard not too. I don’t want to end my marriage because that would be too easy for her.I miss my husband, lover, and friend from kissing me and loving me the way I know he should. I have noticed the more I pursue him the worst things become. Please advise me on what should I do to restore my marriage

[ninelives]

Hello 4:

First thing to do is breathe and try and relax. Seems impossible but believe me, we have all been there when we though we wouldnt last another minute.

Also, please use paragraphs when telling your story. This makes it easier to read and you will get more responses.

Okay, I am not one of the vets and I am having trouble myself, but I think that I see some things that may of the vets will verify.

Your husband, I think is mourning the loss of the OW. This may not be a bad thing if it is truly over but you have to give him some space and not persue him, beg, cry, tell him you love him.

All of those are strictly No NO's in the world of Dbing. Most of us have tried those before and it never gets the response we want. If anything, it drives them further apart.

If PEI mom responds, she will give you a wealth of info to read that will bring these points home.

The most important thing to do while navigating this and by far the hardest is to not act on emotions. They will get you every time and make you do things that will make the situation worse.

Trust me on that again, I was the master of it and contiue to make some mistakes in that area.

My W came back last July but was still in love with OM so it did not work. I wasnt aware of OM but you are aware of the OP so that should explain his moods.

Now, what do you want to do about it? If you are still committed to your marriage, then this something that you will have to deal with despite the obvious pain.

Hang in there 4, there will be others along to help.

9

[islander]

4,
I think 9 has made a lot of good points. He and I are in very similar sitchs. I think a lot of the time, we "know" what to do and give good advice, but make plenty of mistakes in our own sitchs. It is easier said than done.

I would like to know what you did when your H was living with OW for 6 months. Did you guys have contact with each other. Did you distance yourself from him. What brought him back home. I am just curious bc I am having a hard time with these issues myself.

Hang in there. I think that bc your H is at home now, you are in a better place than a lot of us. Now is the time to really get to work, and don't take for granted that he is home, even if he is distant from you and not the man you know or want him to be right now.

[4everarose]

Islander

It was the most painful situation I had to endure during those 6 months. At first, I did everything wrong....spying, texting, calling, crying, begging etc. This got me know where. I read about the No Contact rule and I began to see small changes. He began sending me funny messages, at first I ignored them all but eventually began replying.

We did have contact with each other, he came to our home on the weekends and a few days during the week. My biggest mistake, was letting him cake eat. he had the best of both worlds. I willl never make that mistake again.

Just out of the blue, he decided to come home. I am confused...while he was living with her my H was loving me, hugging me, kissing me, spending time with our 14 yr old son, we ate together, went shopping together ect. The hardest thing was saying goodnight knowing he was leaving our home to go sleep with another. It was horrible and painful wrapped into one.

Now since he's been back home....I get nothing. He is cold, distant, appears angry, we don't kiss, touch, he sleeps on the edge of the bed. When I ask questions, he becomes defensive and just says to me, "Why are you asking so many questions???" He told me his feeling don't feel the same. Now this really threw me for a loop. I don't know what to do now.

I feel the 23 yr old is still pursuing him....he gets mysterious text messages at certain times and its mainly when she gets off from the prison at 7pm. I can't prove this, but I suspect.

When I found out about his affair, he asked if i had ever cheated on him and I wanted to be honest with him and told him yes.....4 yrs ago I made a mistake of being intimate with a friend of mine of 20 years. We had always had a thing for each other growing up but never acted upon those feelings. He is married as well. This was another huge mistake....never come clean even its the right thing to do. Now my husband brings it up all the time, even though he was actually living with another woman. I know 2 wrongs doesn't make a right, but my A was 4 years ago and nothing came out of it. My friend and I both realized that our friendship was much more important than a roll in the sack.

At times, I feel my husband is now punishing me for my mistake. I asked the Lord to forgive me and I know he has, but my husband won't. It seems he wants me to over look his mistake but can't mine. Yes, he is home physically, but not emotionally. I miss my husband's touch, love and affection and most of all his friendship.

If anyone has any advice, please share with me. I want nothing more than to restore my marriage. He has not mention anything about divorce.

[4everarose]

I hope it gets better....he is so cold and distant. I am a bit confused as to why he came home, if he was not totally ready. It takes two for a marriage to work, but I will give him time and space and be patient in the mean time. My mind at times begin to wonder, when he's not in my sight. I guess I have to work on this on my end. I can not let the OW consume or drain my energy.

[4everarose]

Well he moved out today and back with the same woman. He claims he has no other place to go. I told him I was tired of all the blonde hair still in the wash and him acting distant and cold with me. Of course he was defensive and rude.

I know from past experience NOT to let him this time have his cake and eat it too. He needs to see what it would really feel like to only have her in his life instead of me and her.

I know he does not want this woman on a long term relationship...but I can not let him run over me either. Any other advice on how i should handle H while he is gone.