Very tough sitch country is in. Yes he could have informed her a little more and maybe should have. Is her anger really all that bad? Is she seeing that maybe the situation that she created is not going as planned. Things like daughter being sick may have not been on the agenda when deciding to Walk away.
This is so tough to analyze and be 100% correct. IMO, Country and W texted way too much in the early stages about daughter. Sending pics often.
Country , I dont know what to advise and be correct. Your W is with someone else and doing who knows what with them. Yes she deserves to know what is going on in her daughter's life , but did you really hold back that much info?
Perhaps just some of the things that fellow Canuk mentioned would have been good like, "sleeping peacefully" etc.
But I think it would be a mistake to get back in the friend zone while she continues with OM.
I am not going to do that. To me, that validates their affair.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I have been reading your posts and your sitch sounds soooo much like mine except that my H is your W!
The comment below was out of your first thread and I feel the exact same way!!!
If we can be so nice to each other, still make each other laugh, why can’t we fix this marriage!
It's soo hard. My H and I have been intimate a few times, but I finally just said..."I can't do this!" We are still friends and everything is GREAT except that he is with his OW and introducing her to his family! I don't understand it at ALL!
It sounds like you are doing a Great Job! Any advice you could give me would be GREATLY appreciated
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
I have to admit, I am confused as ever right now. She knows that I would always let her know if something important came up. If she had to go to the doctor for example. Or if her sickness required a change in her daycare schedule. When I picked up D on Friday, I said "I'll let you know if anything changes.". Well, nothing changed, she was just sick all weekend. Her text to me were "how's she doing" etc.
I HAD been responding to those text, most of the advice I have received have been to avoid those responses. Advice from DB coach is to be "mysterious.". Well, maybe I just don't know how to interpret all of this advice. How to put it into action correctly.
TBH, I don't need going dark to protect myself. Contact with her does not hurt me. I just want to "do what works.". I just don't know what that is right now.
So questions now:
How do I determine when and when not to respond? She asks about D every time I have her, sick or not.
If my actions were inappropriate this weekend, do I say anything now? Appologize.
PEI, I have seen how thoroughly you have gone back through my sitch. How does my particular sitch affect my actions? How do I reconcile being there for her more, since I wasn't in our M, to all of the other DB strategies?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I just want to "do what works.". I just don't know what that is right now.
First of all I have never really believed what we do here is a strategy.
A strategy means you are employing it to obtain some outcome. Now I know you want to save your M. That is a goal and it is a long road to get there not just one convo or sitch is going to turn that righ now.
You have been here 2 months and what have we been telling you?
Your DB coach is giving you good advice. Mysterious is good when it relates to you and what you are doing. If you are going to jump at every little crumb of contact she throws you...
Well that does not create mystery., She won't miss you. She won't see what it's like without Country.
That does not apply IMO to your children. When she is asking about the kids it ain't about you being mysterious.
Really it is fake it till you make it here Country. Always ask yourself why you are doing something.
Is it anger or something else provoking you? Impatience? Frustration?
If it is backed up by emotion it is probably the wrong reason. You must be consistent in your actions.
Do what works BUT it has to be real or she will see through you.
Might be time to back up a bit and remember what you said your changes were.
Who is the new Country. If you are confused by tactics then you don't know who you are yet. What you believe.
What you believe yourself to be. Uncertainty is a telling symtptom of that.
Back up and buck up Country.
How would the man you aspire to be handle this situation all the way back to the texts?
Forget about tactics right now. YOU?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
The thing was, I was always the dominate one in our R.
How's that workin' for ya?
CS,
You had an opportunity to validate her feelings and instead took the opportunity to make it about YOU and YOUR feelings. You did not hear what she was trying to tell you, and I'm guessing it triggered in her the feeling that you NEVER heard what she was trying to tell you, and that's why she came back harder and stronger.
Originally Posted By: CS
I have become aware of my problems and I know I am also responsible for the situation we are in. I drank too much, I was controlling, I didn't give her enough attention, we didn't do a lot of fun things togeter, etc. I also was at times verbally abusive. I take full responsibilty for my part, and I am working on improving myself in all of these areas.
She was a very loving wife until the last year or so. She was not a hurtful person. One of the problems in our relationship is she did not stand up for herself. She let me dominate and just bottled up her frustration.
She is standing up for herself now.
Originally Posted By: CS
I think I find I am attracted to people who have a greater deal of compasion than myself, and my wife had this. I feel like now she has done a 180. I think she always had to be the piece keeper. Always had to be the "nice" one, now she is doing the complete opposite.
If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say she got pretty dang tired of peace keeping and not standing up for herself. Any attempt you make that gets interpreted as control will trigger all of those old feelings in her. Learn to validate ... which means NO BUTS. You can't follow up an "I understand" with "but..." either actually or figuratively....
Originally Posted By: CS
I understand W. <BUT> I needed some time this weekend and put all my efforts into D. Realize that I did not chose this (she's aware of this) and would prefer to be there for D every day. I do understand how hard it must be for you as well”
Originally Posted By: CS's W
A quick text to tell me whether my D is ok or not is something I will expect from now on.
This does not seem unreasonable to me. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel?
Originally Posted By: Grit
What you got is what she felt was you punishing her when she felt it was a duty of a responsible parent to keep her informed.
I think I might agree.
I agree with Grit. Personally, I think you could have avoided this in the first place by replying to her texts this weekend (within reason) with updates such as "sleeping peacefully" or "no more vomiting" etc ... no chit chat, just facts. Since you didn't do that you probably could have avoided a lot of the above exchange by answering her first text with "I understand."
Peace PEI
this. ^^^ I agree with the others, sorry, Country.
Let me clarify, Country. I do not think you are obligated to give your wife regular updates, when your daughter is healthy, of routine things you're doing throughout the day when she is in your care. You're right -- your W gave up that right when she ran away from her family.
But if D is sick, your wife deserves a prompt response.
If your D was sad/crying/acting up, perhaps, at the exchange, then I think your wife deserves a prompt response if she asks about her.
In addition, a daily phone call is also routine, and fair.
I'm not sure what type of boundary your wife is trying to lay out here, but I think you should properly apologize (without the "but's") for the other day, but make it clear that you're not going to provide several-times-a-day updates when your daughter is healthy, and in your care.
