Bond, yes, I'm trying SO hard to do my own thing. And I'm glad that the in-laws are involved again, but they hated me so much for so long, I don't know how them being in the picture again will affect things. I am trying to make plans with them on a semi-regular basis now, and I don't know how he feels about that. In fact our best conversations this weekend really revolved around them and how to handle them. But I figure if I get in good with them, that can only help me. I don't know how to handle his lack of responsibility because he's NEVER done this behavior before. At least he's still paying bills and going to work, but as far as staying out til all hours and not communicating, it's just very unlike him. I don't know how to be around him, because I don't know who this is.
Teratosa, thank you so much for reaching out to me. I feel so alone. I'm very thankful for the support I've received from friends and on this board, but I can't help but feel so very different because I'm pregnant. I honestly believe I would not be in this situation at all if I were not pregnant. That's very encouraging to hear that you and your husband are working things out, and it's nice to know a time table too. And yes, I am admitting that I was not the most attentive wife for a while. We had a really hard year in 2010. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to get him back and have our family be what it is supposed to be.
I texted a little bit with best friend about their meeting last night. He said that H seemed in better spirits than the last time they talked and he is keeping up with therapy. Said that while he did mention D as a "possibility", he didn't get the sense that H is committed to it at this point. For now it seems that H does want some kind of indefinite separation because he is not happy and wants space.
I don't know what that means. You don't know if you want a divorce, but you do know you want space? I mean, as long as you will come back to me, I will give you all the space you need for as long as you need it; as long as you come back to me.
He thinks that because he is so unhappy he won't make a good dad, and the way to make himself happy is to distance himself, even if that will mean less time with his child and more expense.
But I'm sorry, I feel like I know H too well for that. He is extremely wrapped up in finances. In fact, I think he is resentful of this child because of finances. He makes comments about it fairly regularly (i.e. I'll be paying for that for the next 20 years, etc.). Not to mention when he becomes attached to someone, someone he loves very much, all he wants to do is spend time with that person. I have a hard time believing he would rather stay away from me and have his child a limited amount of time than stay with me and have unlimited access to her.
I just keep hoping this has so much to do with her and not with us and he will realize that. There have been more signs that he feels, as Bond put it, afraid of the pregnancy and buckling down and being responsible. Like we were able to have long conversations about our relationship and about his parents and even about planning logistical stuff for this week. But when I send him an email about going to go the hospital to get the labor and delivery tour, he completely ignores it. He makes eye contact with me when we talk about other things, but when we talk about the baby, he looks down and away. His tone of voice changes from being fairly animated to very monotone. He's not asked to feel her move in a long time.
I'm trying to think back to what he was like when his sister became pregnant at 19. He was not supportive of the pregnancy, didn't really care about it, and didn't understand why I wanted to go see her. He didn't ask questions and he never tried to feel the baby move. And then the day his niece was born, he cried while looking at her in the hospital. He wanted to visit her often (and he hated his sister... still does). His sister even made him the Godfather. Even when he had the huge falling out with his family, he tried to think of ways to still be in his niece's life without directly dealing with his sister or parents. Eventually he gave up on her, but that was because he simply did not want to deal with his family at all anymore and felt that nothing he would do for her would ever be received the way he wanted it to.
So this gives me hope. If he loved her so much, how could he not love our child?
I wish he would identify behaviors in me that he dislikes so much. Every time we start to talk about this he shuts down or becomes very defensive and angry. Does this mean that it's all BS and it makes him uncomfortable when I call out his crap? Or does he really dislike me that much?
