Take The Long Way Home...

[Harrier]

PEI.

Very good additions. Every situation is different for sure. One thing that really help me was to try to craft it in a way to see things from her side. (not to justify her actions mind you)

Most likely you and your spouse have different ways of seeing things from laundry to parenting. So of course their actions seem foreign to you during this time. God knows I've been guilty of that - "Why can't she just do X,Y & Z? God knows that's what I would do."

We can only do, what we can do.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Punchy, ask and you shall receive! BITS, thank you. All very good insight. Last night, I was at my wits end. But reading your posts really made me think about my W and her behavior. These posts gave me a new outlook on her behavior. This will help. I asked and I also received.

Well, I will meet with her one night this week to grant her the divorce she so badly wants and needs. I have decided that I am going to pay for the entire thing and handle all the paperwork. If she wants out, out she shall have. Unconditional love, right? This is all I have left to offer her. If she rejects it and me, I will then know that I did all I could. Yes, it will hurt to close the book on her. Probably the most painful episode of my life next to losing my father. But, I will walk away knowing I left the door open with a smile on my face. She never got that fight she so badly wanted. Man, if I had a dollar for every time she tried to bring out the old FOBD, I could pay my mortgage. But, she never got it and I guess she will spend the rest of her life wondering what happened. I guess that will be my second-to-last gift to you, wife.

Stay strong BITS!

FOBD

[zengypsy]

WOW...everyone has offered some good questions and good answers. Food for thought any which way you look at it. What I find compelling is that it doesnt matter how and why we got here, we got here. That in itself is a testamonial to who we've all become. If you stop and think about it, do you know how many people don't EVER get there? They just continue to go thru life as if they have no accountability for anything and that's why the problems they carry are portable.

Trust is earned; it doesn't happen over night. We have the same lack of trust with our WAS. Will it happen again if we say or do the wrong thing? And we can slip - we aren't perfect.

I will not let a stupid piece of paper define who I've become. I've worked too hard. The grass isn't greener. The WAS's have no idea what the word happiness means; just a blurred perception. Just my 2 cents.

FOBD...you are strong and I know you will get thru this. The pain is unbearable at times, but I promise you it will get better. It's going to take some time and you give yourself as much time as you need.

Sending HUGS to you my friend!

[FellOnBlackDays]

Hey BITS,

Yes, I know, some may have been wondering "where is FOBD?" Well, I will tell you. FOBD took some time to deal with his sitch in his own way and fell off the grid for a spell. The constant strain of dealing with my W and coming here was beginning to be too much. I just needed to get away for a bit and try to deal with my own demons as well as my sitch. So, I am back tonight to update:

There is some news to report. After numerous missed attempts, my W and I met on Sunday night to finally get the D rolling. I have hired an A and he will be taking care of the paperwork. My w has agreed to let him handle everything and she is going to have another A simply review what is drummed up. She is still very much on the fast track to the D and I have decided that not only am I not going to stand in the way, I am going to pay for most of it. She in return has offered to waiver her rights to just about everything other than the equity in the house and some investments. In other words, I am hoping I am not going to get cleaned out. I guess there is a silver lining here.

She still harbors so much anger toward me. But, it doesn't show it's ugly head as much as it once did. We met for two hours and most of the meeting was cordial. I was amazed at myself. For two hours, I never once raised my voice, clinched my teeth or argued just for the sake of winning an argument. It was quite refreshing. Not, I have to tell on myself. Numerous times during the meeting, I did backslide and do stupid things like bring up the OM and initiate R talk. But, all in all, I did the best I could. I don't remember enough to do a blow by blow, but here is the gist of things:

My points:

1) I love you enough to not stand in the way of this D. If this D is what you want, this is what you will have.
2) I no longer harbor any resentment against you for leaving. I was an ass to live with and you had to go. Nobody to blame but me. My bad and I am very, very sorry.
3) I still care deeply for you and always will. You are going to have to accept that and there is nothing you can do about it (said with a huge smile and a laugh).
4) Held her hands while I told her that I was sorry for not recognizing that she was depressed and ready to leave the M a full year before she did. Once again, my bad and I am sorry.
5) Life has to move on. I will miss you, but it is what it is.
6) I am disappointed in you for your attitude at times during this thing. You have done some horrible things to me and this will stop. I have given you everything you have asked for and you have not granted me this gesture in return. I must stand up for myself and you will have to respect me and my wishes going forward (This was inserted on the recommendation by my DB coach after some of my W's crappy behavior)

Her points:

1) This is over and I need this D.
2) I never meant to hurt you, but I know I did (No apology followed this remark. But, OK, her choice).
3) You are concerned about the involvement of an OM. Well, it is none of your business and I won't even justify this with an explanation. I owe you nothing and I can do what I want. (One interesting comment she made was, "You do realize that I didn't leave you for an OM, right? It is just that when I left I was done." She has made it a point to be a total jerk to me when the subject comes up which only, in my opinion, solidifies my unfortunate concern he is there lurking in the dark. I did hit back slightly toward the end of this topic. As I saw it was starting to sour the moment, I looked her in the eyes and stated, "W, you can do whatever you want. I clearly can't stop you. But, I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop doing it while you continue to wear the wedding band I gave to you on your hand." She became very embarrassed and that was it for that topic. This is the first time since she left that I pointed out to her that she still wears her wedding band on her right hand. I guess it will be missing the next time I see her.)
4) I don't like the fact that you have come here tonight to tell me the things I have done wrong. You forced my hand in some of my behavior.

Regardless, when it was all over, I let her know my A would be moving forward this week. She was very pleased. There were touching moments, there were heated moments, there were sad moments where we both were crying. I do admit I did say some things that I later regretted.

But, she still does not "get it" in many ways. She continues to think she can walk away from our M, D me and all will be fine. At times during the discussion she got upset when I politely pointed out to her the negative sides of this D. I didn't to that to make her feel bad. I did it because I truly believe she has not yet considered these issues. And, I was right. She has apparently blocked out thoughts of the bad that will come from this. My pointing it out mad her angry. It was sad. At times, she was like a spoiled child during the convo. She also did not like it one bit when I stood up for myself. Whenever I would she would say, "Look, I thought we came here to talk about the D, not about the past." That seemed to be her trump card to play anytime things didn't go her way. Kind of sad to watch.

Unfortunately for her, she does owe me quite a bit of money right now for insurance and other items. I politely informed her that she would have to pay me that money at the meeting. She became visibly upset and informed me that she would not be able to pay me at the table as she would have to take it out of her saving account. She asked if she could come by the house the next evening and give me a check. She then asked me again why she even had to pay me. I politely reminded her that was the deal we made when she left. I would keep her on my insurances, but she would have to pay me until she got her own policies. On Sunday night, she acted like this was foreign to her even though she wrote me a check in Jan for the the last three months of last year. Very weird. I think it came down to control. In this instance, she clearly had to relinquish control to me and she gets very nasty and angry when she has to do this. I was polite and smiled the entire time.

At times, she pretty much explained to me that she had given all she was going to give because she was the main person giving during our R over the past 15 years. She pretty much told me that she doesn't have to comply with any of my wishes because she has already sacrificed enough over the years. I validated her sentiments and explained to her that I did appreciated what she did over the years. But, the past is the past and that will not govern here. The D will be fair and equitable. She also didn't like that point either. But, I smiled as I said it all.

As we left the meeting, we stopped for a minute in the parking lot. She looked very nervous. She didn't like the fact that I told her there would be certain aspects of the D that I would require so that the sitch could be fair to me (I cleared these comments with my DB coach before I used them in front of her to make sure I wasn't out of line.) None the less, I decided to do what was right. I touched her on the back of the arm and asked her to look me in the eyes. I then told her, "W, you have my word you will get a fair deal in this thing. I have loved you for 15 years and despite what has happened, I still love you. Please stop worrying about the division of the property, money and such. I will make sure you are treated fairly." She thanked me and we talked a bit more. At this point, I was emotionally exhausted. I greeted her "good night," and she gave me this really weak one-armed hug. As we pulled away, I again assured her that she would be treated fairly. She stood there emotionless. I began to walk away. As I did, I turned back to her and called her. She turned around. I stated, "You know, I really wish you could see me now." I turned back again and left her standing there in the parking lot...

Funny, you have to spend thousands of dollars and find just the right place to hold a wedding and take your vows. The entire world has to stop and pay attention as you begin your life together. This weekend, my marriage ended in a deli 20 feet from a sandwich counter. No one even noticed we were there. 10 years ago, in a loving ceremony in a beautifully landscaped garden filled with hundreds of our family and friends, we gave life to our love that was supposed to last a lifetime. On Sunday night, we buried our marriage in a parking lot outside of a restaurant and no one even passed by as we did it. Really, really sad.

There is more to the story as she called me on Monday. It was quite interesting what took place, but I am tired and need to head to bed. I will post Part 2 tomorrow night. No, there is no happy ending. Just more drama, more crying, more pain. Will this ever end?

FOBD

[OnMyWay]

Will this ever end?

FOBD

I'd say you're getting very close.

You're a true gentleman, FORB.

All my respect,

OnMyWay

[FellOnBlackDays]

Part 2

So, as explained on the post earlier, I was kind of stern about some things with my w on Sunday night. In essence, I think she realized I was not a doormat and I was going to take charge in some ways.

Monday night, I call her as I was supposed to so that we could get together and exchange some things. She answers the phone and is very short with me. She keeps giving me one word answers to everything and I could tell she was aggravated. So, after a few minutes I ask her if there is something wrong. She says no. I say I don't think you're being honest with me. She explodes into tears. She starts telling me that she is broke, she can't pay me the money she owes me, she won't pay me until she talks to a lawyer. Then, she starts telling me that she believes I am out to get her and she is scared of me. She is crying and rambling. I was very disturbed by the her tone. She tells me she never got out of bed all day and missed work. She seemed like a wreck on the phone.

I took a deep breath and asked her politely to relax and listen to me. I then begin to tell her it is OK to feel anxious about this as this is a very tough thing we are going through. I tell her I imagine that calling me does make her nervous and that this sitch is making me anxious also. I tell her that I don't want her to be afraid of me and that I never intended for her to feel that way. Honestly, I don't know why she does? I was completely calm and never once raised my voice or attacked her in any way on Sunday night. I spoke to her in a loving and kind tone during the entire meeting on Sunday night. I continued to do so on Monday night during our call. I explained to her that this process has been hard on me also and I have struggled with it. She began to calm down. I said the following, "Since we are both having a hard time emotionally with trust and anxiety, why don't we take just a few days break from the entire thing. Let's just call each other once a day over the next few days and not discuss the R or the D or any of the crap associated. Let's just talk like friends and regain some trust. To show you I am serious about this, don't worry about the money you owe me for now. Just forget it. Let's just enjoy each others company and later in the week we can pick up the D talk again. OK?" She stopped crying. She agreed. She seemed relieved. She then said, "Well, I might need more than one night before I call you. I am going out with girlfriends on Tuesday night and I don't want to be upset in front of them. Maybe I will wait and call you on Wednesday." I stated, "That is perfectly fine with me. I will be here. Call me if you like." I asked her if she was OK. She said she was better. We hung up.

30 minutes later, I texted her and told her again to relax and that it would be OK. She thanked me. I felt much better about where we were and went to bed relaxed and slept well.

So, tonight, I am eating dinner and the phone rings. It is her. I answer. She makes 30 seconds of small talk. I crack a couple of jokes, just silence comes back. She immediately launches into talk about her getting her health insurance through work and how I can drop her now. Then she moves to dental and vision and how she won't be able to get this until July. I just keep saying, "OK, that's fine," as politely as I could and smiling the whole time. She then starts asking me about contacting my A and why he isn't calling back and what is taking so long. I told her he has been in court all week and has not had a chance to get back to me. She then informs me she took all the info I told her on Sunday night to another A and that A is disagreeing with my A. We agreed on Sunday night to use one A to cut expenses. Now, she has someone else involved. At this point, I am beginning to get pissed, but I don't show it. I start to look for an out. I tell her that I was eating and I ask if I could call her later. She tells me, "No, I won't be available tonight to talk to you. I will be out. You can call me later." From there, I am steaming so I politely say, "Fair enough, I will talk to you later" and hang up. This leads me to a couple of questions:

1) WTF happened to us taking it slow???? WTF happened to us not discussing the R, the D or any of the settlement for a couple of days???? WTF happened to just being friends so that we could each just calm down a bit and have some brief piece of mind??? (My DB coach was right. Anytime I try to speed things up or take control, she loses it or slows things down. But, when I try to slow things down, she gets pissed and hammers the throttle.)

2) How can someone too broke to pay me the money she owes me spend two weeknights out on the town????

3) How in the hell did she go from being a panicked mess on Monday night to a cold, calculated business person tonight? There was nothing really pleasant about our contact tonight. It was like I was ordering a pizza over the phone.

I am not happy right now. I think I was once again played. She used her emotions to get me to let her out of the money she owed me, got me to admit I am struggling with the D also and then went right back to her cold-hearted self tonight. I can't believe I fell for this sh*t!!!! This is the third time she has pulled this and I have fallen for it every time.

So, True, Mr. Bond, any of you, please tell me why I shouldn't just go completely cold on her also. Tell me why I shouldn't tell her the next time she sees me she had better have a check in hand????

I am tired of her games. For 15 years, I would have given my life for this woman. Now I am some sort of toy on a string to her. This is very disturbing and I do believe a true sign that this entire relationship is very, very over. What a horrible, horrible person she has become.

Well, go ahead. All of you tell me how I am wrong...

FOBD

[♪CS♪]

Well FOBD, first realize you are projecting. You don't know her true intentions here. Maybe she is playing you. Maybe she is calculating every move to get what she wants.

Or, maybe she really is a mess. Her emotions are all over the place which changes her mood day to day. Maybe she really has NO IDEA what she is doing or what she wants.

Truth is we don't know.

Be the man you want to be regrardless.

[ninelives]

I have to agree with Country. It is difficult to predict or understand them and that is the problem.

Maybe they are mess and dont know themselves what they are feeling or maybe they have turned into superbotches. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, be consistent and true to yourself. DONT let her see you vulnerable. I think its ok to say that the D has been hard on everybody but say it matter of fact with little emotion.

Hang in there FOBD.

9

[islander]

I think it is fair to say she is both a mess and playing you at the same time. I don't think you can seperate the two at this point. I also think it is ok for her to feel scared. I don't hink she was necessarily scared of you, bit trying to blame you or guilt you.

Let her feel some of the pain. I am not saying to be mean, just let her feel it. We all know bow much you have been hurt

[ironMan]

Sounds like you did amazingly well to me. I do agree with what you alluded to and others have said ..... good ... she should be miserable .... it's what she wanted.

How do you think you did?

Where do you go from here? What's your plan?