Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[TAMF]

Isn't it amazing how daring the OP get? sending a request on the family calendar? come on. She just wanted you to know she is still there.

It is actually crazy how people justify what they do. She probably has in her mind that you are this horrible wife that deserves everything she gets, because your H is so great and wonderful and she is the only one who can love him the best.

Tragic and sad the justifications they put in thier mind to help them feel they are not "bad" people.

[Albuquerque]

Hey TAMF,

I honestly don't think she knew the request would show up on the family calendar. It was just a request to his email, which happens to be attached to the family calendar. But either way, he should have nixed that.

As for this week, it has been another up and down week. After a good-ish weekend with his family, he retreated once again in the beginning of the week. Not much, but I can always tell when he's having his anxiety issues. I have to keep telling myself that the anxiety issues are not just about me, but it's hard to not take it personally. And more and more, I just kept going around and around in my head about how much more of this I wanted to deal with. After a year, I'm tired. Tired of dealing with this house by myself. Tired of always being the one to have to drop off and pick up D at school. Never getting to sleep in. Having to do all the yard work. Working a lot and barely having time to get housework done much less get started on triathlon training like I wanted to. I am just tired. Meanwhile, H has little responsibility. He claims he wants to be part of D's life but never ONCE offers to take her to school or pick her up. He only does so when I have to work and can't do it. He sleeps till noon, has no yard to deal etc. I was just getting pissed.

On Wednesday, I had to work all day. He texted me every so often but I barely texted back. I wasn't rude or anything, just tired of the charade. Tired of him being nice and sweet and then running off to his place when he has had enough "family time". As I drove home, he tried to call me. I initially didn't answer. I was totally not in a mood to talk. But I knew he probably had questions about D and dinner, etc, so I gathered my wits and called back. H was pleasant, cheerful, and told me about the dinner he was making and that would be ready when I got home. He told me about some issues at his job that he had and was just overall a pleasant guy. It was hard to stay mad. And then, much to my surprise since I hadn't told him about ANY of my musings, he told me that he wanted to talk to me about him being the one to take D to school in the mornings. That way he's forced to get up and can spend more time with D. Needless to say, my mood improved. Not only did he seem in a good mood but he was offering to take a big load off my shoulders and I never even asked for it.

Dinner went well and he tried to initiate sex again but I, again, reminded him that it was HIM who said it wasn't a good idea. He ended up going back to his place. The next day, I had to work again, and again, he waited for me and we went out for dinner afterwards. Once at home, and once D went to bed, he became very quiet and pensive. I could tell he wanted to talk about something major but was totally anxious about it. I just waited. After a bit, he started talking about how he didn't want me to be his emotional "crutch" and he worried that if he moved back in that would happen. He said he worried that if he worked so hard on becoming an independent individual that he'd eventually not NEED or WANT me at all. At this point, DB or not, I had had it. I told him that if he didn't want to move back in, then he shouldn't. That indicates that he's not ready. But, I added, for me there continued to be a bigger issue. I told him that through this whole endeavor, I have only ever requested one thing from him. That if he truly wanted to work on US, there could be no OW. And that despite this, he continued to be unable to do so. I told him that actions speak louder than words. And that if he is still unable to take that step, that ANY talk about moving in or emotions about it or whatever, is pretty much semantics. Although I've been able to talk to him about most things calmly, I couldn't help but tear up during this. All my emotions about this whole thing starting to be not worth it were coming back to the surface.

In a strange way, I think this conversation detour was very good for him. He discussed the issue with me in a pretty open way. He said that he does still talk to her every so often, but he doesn't think she views him as her boyfriend. He agreed that he hasn't really told her that there is no hope, but that the few times they've discussed it, he's tried to make it seem like that without directly saying it and causing her to become hysterical. I asked him if he could understand my perspective. That his inability to end it completely and entirely, to me, indicates he's not willing to move forward. As ridiculous as it may sound, I don't think he's every really seen it completely like that before, but he agreed. He told me that he would make sure that he ended it then. This actually annoyed me slightly because I told him that I NEVER wanted him to do it for ME. I wanted him to do it because that was what HE felt he needed to do. He said he understood that but insisted it would be coming from him.

Then he became very introspective. He said very directly. I want YOU. I want to be with YOU. I want to move back HERE. I want my family back. I miss talking to you. I miss being with you. He said that while he had been kind of confused and flustered earlier that evening, that the talk helped him organize things in his mind. We DID discuss the fact, though, that he still continues to battle anxiety and depression. He had mentioned earlier that he's be willing to see a marriage counselor. I told him that he'd probably be better off just seeing a counselor himself for now. He agreed that was probably a good idea.

Anyway, to make the long story continually long, he stayed the night and we did break the sex ban. I think both of us felt like we'd crossed some significant relationship hurdles that night and it just felt right. He's stayed at the house pretty much since then. He's gone back to his place to retrieve a few things, but I can see him trying to reincorporate himself into the home. He hasn't moved anything significant back into the house yet, and it'll be interesting to see how long he continues to stay without needing a "breather" at his place. But the last time that I mentioned "his place" to him, he got a funny look in his eyes and said quietly, "THIS is my place".

So I will continue to move on one day at a time. OW has re-unblocked me on FB and I think this time for good. My mother in law posted some pics from our recent visit with them and there was one in particular where both H and I were tagged. I think OW saw it and it probably wrankled her and that's what caused her to unblock me so that she could see any other potential pics that may get posted. I ended up telling H during our discussion that I had been unblocked. He seemed surprised. We'll see how this week goes....

[Albuquerque]

Short update,

H hasn't gone back to his place to stay since our "breakthrough" of sorts. Over the weekend, he brought a huge pile of laundry here. Once it was dried, he asked if it was OK if he started hanging his stuff in the closet. I admit the question made me a bit weepy. I told him so (as well as yes) but then joked that I was crying about the loss of closet space

It's clear that H has had a few "issues" as he calls it while at the house. Minor anxiety attacks. But they have either been much milder than before, or else he's hiding it well. I've still told him that if he needs to take a breather, to do so. He has not. He works at home and has been working here at the house and then sleeping in our bed at night. He still has insomnia issues but he's had those as long as we've been married. One of the things that's starting to concern ME slightly is that I kind of fear I may be starting to have a few anxiety issues myself. A few times in bed I just have gotten very uncomfortable, my breathing has quickened, and I've needed to get up and get a drink or something. It passes OK but it is weirding me out. Hopefully it will be short-lived.

This week H will be gone most of the week. He has to attend a conference in a town about 90 minutes away. So I won't see him until Saturday at the earliest. I'd already planned to go camping with D over the weekend, so it might not actually be until Sunday that we see him again. He's stated that he will bring over his desk and chair after the conference so that he can work a little more comfortably at the house. Right now, he's been working at the dining room table.

Things seem to be going well, but I'm still well aware that he's still broken. He still has issues he needs to resolve. But it seems he's overcome his fears of moving back at least. I can't help but start to wonder at what point some more significant things will take place. Will we ever wear our rings again? Will he list me as his wife again on FB? Will he ever say ILY? As positive as the signs are, I'm well aware that things could still change. We've discussed him getting some counseling but I don't think he's moved forward on that. But he's stated recently that he really feels a lot better about things. He's said that in the past, he's felt like all his unhappiness emminated from being genuinely unhappy at home. And for now, at least, that's gone and is making everything else better. I hope, for his sake, he continues to work on himself.

[Flabbergasted]

Hey Alb, how's it going?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Well it's been awhile since my last post. Things are moving forward. Last week I had to take a business trip cross-country. H had pretty much moved back to the house in that he was spending all his time here, although he still has his apartment and all his furniture is still there. During my trip, we texted often but I was quite busy and we didn't chat too much. When I returned last Thursday, H and D and I all went shopping for some household supplies. H seemed to be in an OK mood. However, that evening in bed, he announced to me that he had defriended x-OW on FB and that that had not gone over very well. I was surprised because in our last conversation about the issue, I essentially said that in a way, I didn't care if he stayed FB friends so long as he wasn't continually contacting her and stuff. In fact, I kind of hoped he'd post a lot of family stuff just to kind of get the point across. So I was surprised he had taken this step. I asked why he did so. He said that he felt it needed to be done. He said that over the last few months, he hadn't really talked to her much but that the stuff she was posting on FB was kind of sad. Things like stating that a good friend of hers wasn't talking to her anymore and stuff like that. When H decided to extend his lease, I guess that gave her the impression that she was still well in the game. She sent him a lot of apartment listings much closer to where she lives (about 45 minutes north of us) in the hopes that he'd move closer. I was shocked to hear this but just kept listening. He said that I was right, and that she definitely was WAY more invested in the relationship than he was. But he expressed sadness because she had been a friend for years, WAY before the relationship started. And he said that some days he just misses talking to her. At that point, I started to cry. Not because I was offended, but because I just found the whole situation so sad. I love my H and realize he has a great need to talk with friends. He always has. As surprising as it may be, I found it genuinely sad that he lost a friend through this whole thing. I knew it was right, I was happy he took the step, but having him lose a friend is still sad (as I see it).

Although it was good to hear, I still follow the mantra "believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do". I verified that he had defriended her and found that it was true. I also found out that she had decided to re-block me again. Strange.

Anyhow, since then life has been kind of weird. Living together has its own challenges. This week, H has been having very severe anxiety attacks. He's had his AD meds increased and still wasn't doing well. In fact, one night last week, he was so anxious that he was super naseous. As I went to bed, he said he was going to go to the store to get some pepto. I woke up at 4 am and discovered that he wasn't in bed, wasn't in the house, and his car was gone. I can't describe my disappointment, the hurt, the solitude. I tried to go to sleep but couldn't. I took a shower and just sobbed. Despite his presence, I still feel very alone at times. He's still messed up and still hasn't fully incorporated into the house. I'm still out there mowing the lawn, I'm still the only one cleaning the house, I'm still struggling to NOT take his anxiety attacks personally. I ended up falling BACK asleep on the couch about 6 am and hoping he'd come home soon. I woke up at 10am and he still wasn't home. I got up, made some breakfast, and then decided to do some yard work. As I was outside, he showed up about 11am. He looked awful and I simply said hi. I wasn't necessarily mad, just tired of everything. He didn't say much but just hugged me. He smelled heavily of alcohol and I said so. He tried to laugh it off but it was half-hearted. He apologized for everything and said that he wanted to take advantage of some of the DB counseling sessions that I had. He explained that he left in the evening to get the pepto and decided to stop at his house to get some of his meds. While there he decided that a few drinks would be a good idea. Next thing he knew he was super sick and miserable the rest of the night/morning. He went back into the house while I continued my yard work. When I came back into the house, he was asleep. He slept till late afternoon. And still battled sickness the rest of the evening. This reconciliation stuff is not easy.

This last week has been a bit better. He is still battling his anxiety but he called his doctor to get some more med adjustments. And just today, he called a DB counselor. I did not ask him how it went. I figure that if he wants to talk to me about it, he will. I asked yesterday if there was any additional fallout from the x-OW. He said there were a few "what the hell" texts but not much more. He is slowly incorporating himself more and more into the home. He actually swept the entrance today which was surprising and nice. He's been very affectionate the whole time but it is pretty obvious when he starts having his anxiety attacks and they are kind of a wakeup call to the fact that things are NOT like they were before. He hasn't said when or if he plans on moving his stuff back to the house but he no longer refers to it as his place and any time I do, he corrects me and tells me he's home.

As for me, I'm doing my best to remain focused on me, while still realizing that I DO have to take my H into consideration now. Finding that balance has been difficult. Knowing when to enforce boundaries is hard. In good, strange news, out of the blue, an employee from my dream job emailed me personally to tell me that they have a job opening and they really would like me to apply. I was stunned and I couldn't help but not apply. They've already scheduled me for an interview. If I get it, it sounds like it would happen quick and would require a move about 2 hours away. I have no expectation but feel flattered to be asked. And I can't help but feel that some distance from the x-OW could only be an additional bonus. I love where I live but it would be an opportunity I would have a hard time declining. My H has been extremely supportive and seems almost more gung ho about it than me. A few years ago, I know this potential job would have been at the forefront of my mind. I was totally focused on achieving my goal. Unfortunately, that caused us to move several times despite my H NOT being super gung ho about it. That led to a lot of friction. And over the last year, I've really worked on adjusting some of my priorities. So now, with everything seemingly falling into my lap, I'm finding myself surprised with MYSELF, than I'm not more excited and nervous. I guess the last year has taught me that expectations are pointless. What will happen will happen and we can only be our best. And sometimes, people notice....

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

This has been an up and down week for me. H continues to live mostly at the house. But his anxiety attacks are a lot more frequent. And it has been very hard to not take them personally. Intellectually, I realize they are not all about me. But when we are seemingly having a nice evening and all the sudden he needs to go, it's hard to not have it feel like a slap in the face. One of the many things that I'm working on dealing with.

I had a major breakdown midweek. I've been working a lot and think I was just mentally weak. There was a minor incident earlier in the day where I felt pretty alone. I had a minor cry, pulled myself together and tried to push through the day. But then, I asked H if he had picked up D's prescription.

That morning, D alerted me that she was out of her meds. Of course, being 14, she waits till she's out to let me know. H was there when she told me and he asked if she had refills. I said no. I then remembered that she had refills left of the same meds, but at a lower dosage. I opted to refill that so that she could just double dose until I could get her an appt. I told H my solution and asked him to pick up her meds. That was the story.

So that evening, when I asked if he had picked up her meds, he said no and told me that he didn't know she was out. I swear. And the sad thing is that I believe him. He honestly forgot that entire conversation. Something in me snapped. I rushed to the bathroom and just sobbed and sobbed. It is slightly maddening to live with someone who, despite sharing the same situations, seems to have no memory of such events. And unfortunately, this happens A LOT. His memory is BAD. I simply can't depend on him for things. I spent about 20 minutes just sobbing and then decided to take a shower. H often pops in when I'm taking a shower and I just didn't want that so I locked the door. And took a loooong shower. H knocked at one point and I said a quiet "yes?" but I don't think he heard me. A few minutes later, he came in. He had unlocked the door. That offended me even more that he couldn't give me the decency of privacy. He looked in on me and asked if I was OK. That caused me to break down again and I just asked him to please go away. Thankfully he did. I really lost it at that point. I don't think I cried so much even when he left home. But it was cathartic for me. I eventually calmed down and felt a lot better. When I exited, D was going to bed so I said goodnight to her. H was sitting in the living room and looked very concerned. I told him I was going to bed and could chat with him there if he wanted.

Once in bed, I briefly went over what had caused my breakdown. I explained that the silly minor event earlier in the day had kind of primed the pump and that his forgetting the whole prescription conversation had pretty much put me over the edge. When I went back over the history of our conversation, he THEN remembered it and apologized profusely for forgetting. I told him that he does that A LOT and that it can be slightly maddening at times.

He told me that my behavior had TOTALLY freaked him out. He took several anti anxiety pills just to cope. He said he was worried that perhaps the x-OW had sent me an email or something. I thought it was funny he'd think that. I asked if he'd had any more fallout from his defriending her. He said no but that she had to euthanize one of her animals and had been texting him about it. He said he didn't want to seem heartless and not respond but was trying to be distant about it. He said he knew she was out drinking and that's why he thought she may have contacted me or something. Anyhow, I apologized to H for freaking him out and he apologized to me for being so forgetful. He requested that I point out every time that happens so he can be more aware of that problem.

I've been Ok the rest of the week but he hasn’t. He has had continuing major anxiety attacks and actually spent most of the weekend at his place. I just went on with my life and tried to ignore it. Unfortunately, things kind of came to a head this evening.

Today was our normal sushi night. H and I spent all day together at the house. We were both working at home but talked occasionally and got along great. We even went target shooting together during D’s martial arts class. That’s something he’s really enjoyed doing and only started doing it once I started with my GAL program. At sushi dinner, we both had a lot of sake which is pretty much the norm. But we got on the topic of something that’s always bugged him about me. He blames me for not speaking to him in Spanish and helping him learn. I know conversational Spanish but never was formally taught. My family is Spanish and I kind of picked it up. Enough to communicate but not enough to really say things grammatically correct. He wanted to learn Spanish and kind of always wanted me to speak to him. I never did because I didn’t feel comfortable doing so and didn’t want him to learn the wrong way (which I know enough to know I’m doing it the wrong way). Well he wouldn’t let it go. He kept saying it was a conversation that’s been years in coming and why didn’t I meet him halfway etc. I explained my reasoning for why. But that wasn’t good enough for him. He clearly didn’t want the “why”. He wanted me to say I was wrong. I don’t feel I was wrong and still feel the same way. I could agree to disagree. He could not. Finally, D got up from the table and went to the restroom because we were making her so uncomfortable. That’s when I tried to detach from the conversation but he wouldn’t let it go. I told him he was too drunk to be discussing this and it was clear he wasn’t letting this go and I got both teary and pissed. Teary because I realized I was in a no-win situation. Pissed because I realized he wanted me to basically admit I was wrong and there was no ending the conversation until I said so. After a loooong wait, D finally returned and I kind of forced the fact that we needed to leave. He was pissed. I was pissed. But I drove home because I knew he was totally drunk while I was only mildly affected by sake.

Once home, he started packing up his computer, making it obvious he had no intention of staying. I stated that if he was smart, he’d wait before he left. He said he’s never been known for being smart. He hugged D and must have left while I was in the restroom because he never even said goodbye. Strangely, while annoyed, I wasn’t that bothered. I took a shower and put D to bed. I had meant to turn my text on my phone somewhat off (can’t turn the phone off completely because I use it as an alarm). But needless to say, it wasn’t before H managed to text me a very sweet “ F you. F me for thinking this could work”. Again strangely, I find it more sad and slightly funny that he would do this. Clearly he’s still drunk. But he obviously cares enough to text me about how much this R won’t work. And it may not. And sad to say, I find myself caring less and less. I see him doing some work, but this was not a good night. If he has this much angst and anger about something rather trivial, he must have a lot more about more important matters. I’m kind of done. I’m supposed to be OK forgiving affairs, his leaving his family, dealing with his depression and his anxiety , dealing with the entire household on my own etc. And I am. None of that is fake. But standing firm on stating my opinion on one matter is too much for him to deal with? I would say F that. I will not bend to his strange view that somehow I’m to blame for not being his personal tutor. I will not continue to stand for never knowing whether he will choose to spend the night and take advantage of his wife or whether he will choose to run and hide. I’m close to being done. He needs to do the work. I will be moving on with or without him.

[Albuquerque]

Brief update,

I waited about an hour before responding to H's text last night telling me to "F off". I simply said "I'm glad to see you made it home safe. I'm going to bed now". I wasn't going to argue and I really was glad he made it home safe given the fact that he left our house drunk. He never responded.

I slept pretty well given everything that happened. I admit my mind kept going back to his statement "F me for thinking this could ever work". If he REALLY meant that then it was a good indication of how little he actually wanted to work. He didn't text, email, call or anything all day. I was curious but didn't contact him. I knew he HAD to come to the house at some point because he needed to go out of town tonight and his clothes and the suitcases were still here. Finally, about 4pm, he texted me and just stated matter of factly that he needed to go out of town and needed to come by and get clothes and the suitcase. I waited about 30 minutes and then responded with a simple OK.

When he came to the house, I was working in my office. I didn't get up because I thought he might choose to just grab his stuff and go. Refreshingly, he didn't do that. Instead, he came into my office, sat down, and we had a chat. He said that he needed to buy more DB counseling sessions because he knew he was still quite "broken" (as he puts it). He admitted it the whole argument was stupid and petty. He said he has realized he is a lot more "broken" than he thought. During his last DB counseling session, the counselor mentioned that he might choose to continue keeping his apartment so that he had a place to go when he experienced the anxiety attacks and/or had issues like the one last night. He said that he went to extend his lease today but found out his apartment had already been rented out. So he said he's now faced with either finding a new place and signing a new lease or trying to move back in completely. But he admitted that he doesn't feel he's ready. He's asked my opinion on this many times before. He may not realize it (because I'm smooth ), but I never answer him. I always let HIM make the decision. He said that he was feeling quite normal when he was still living on his own but that once he started staying over at the house more, things seemed to go backwards and he wasn't sure why. I gave my opinion.

His DB counselor mentioned to him (and she's spot on) that he is an "accomodator". He likes to make sure he does right by other people. But as a result, he doesn't do things for himself. He doesn't get what he wants. And he often doesn't even make it known what he wants. I told H that as I see it, when he is at his apartment by himself, he does as he wants. But when he comes to the house, he tends to do what he THINKS he needs to do to make D and I happy. H found this statement rather profound. I don't think he realized he did that but he totally agreed. As a silly example, I mentioned an event that happened the previous day. At lunch, both H and I were at the house. It has become my habit to eat lunch while watching something on the DVR. H was working and saw the show that I was watching, but said nothing. However, while under the effects of sake at dinner, he asked (kind of accusatorily) why I would watch that show without him. This surprised me because quite frankly, I've watched the whole season without him and didn't think he'd care. But clearly he did. And I mentioned that to him. I said, it would have been so easy to say "hey can you not watch that" or "can you wait and watch that with me when I have time" or something similar. But he didn't. He totally agreed with that.

In the end, nothing was decided about what he's going to do regarding his apartment. One way or the other, he has to be out of his current place by the 16th of May. I think he's right that he's not ready to move back completely. I don't like it, but he's right and that's what's best for him.

All in all it was a good chat. I was glad to see his insane rantings were just that and he wasn't really ready to give in the towel just that easy. However, I think he is finally starting to realize more and more that it is not US that needs to be "fixed" or "worked on". It's him. He said he's scared that if he takes too long to fix himself that there might be no "us" left. I agreed that's a possibility. But it doesn't change the facts.

As before, I keep taking it one day at a time.....

[RedNailPolish]

Al, Ive just read through all your postings. You are so remarkably brave. My hope is to be able to handle situations with as much composure.

I am new here and saw that you responded to my post. Thank you for your advice. I hope you might be able to provide me with more insight as my/his/our journey continues.

At times I feel like I am handling things quite well. At other times I feel completely overwhelmed/consumed by the situation.

I must admit to being slightly scared by your postings. The "piercing" stage doesnt seem to be what we all hope for. It definitely isnt like what they portray in the movies! Well maybe Aliens...

Wishing you luck on your journey, Ill definitely be watching your posts/updates with much curiosity.

[Starsky309]

And sad to say, I find myself caring less and less. I see him doing some work, but this was not a good night. If he has this much angst and anger about something rather trivial, he must have a lot more about more important matters. I’m kind of done. I’m supposed to be OK forgiving affairs, his leaving his family, dealing with his depression and his anxiety , dealing with the entire household on my own etc. And I am. None of that is fake. But standing firm on stating my opinion on one matter is too much for him to deal with? I would say F that. I will not bend to his strange view that somehow I’m to blame for not being his personal tutor. I will not continue to stand for never knowing whether he will choose to spend the night and take advantage of his wife or whether he will choose to run and hide. I’m close to being done. He needs to do the work. I will be moving on with or without him.

That would be a really odd hill on which, after all you've been thru, to finally make your stand, Alb.

This part, tho, not so much.

Starsky

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for stopping by Red and Starsky. And Star, you're right about the odd hill. I'm thankful for this forum. It allows me to get out my frustrations and rantings without taking actions that may be harmful. I've calmed down a lot since then and have been able to regroup myself. Not easy with the type of week I've had though.

After H discussed the moving issue, he called me the next day while I was working and said that he thinks he needs to be home. He misses me and thinks that being home will help him. I said OK. The next day, he had nothing but anxiety attacks all day. I was at work again but he texted me. As I drove home that day, I thought a lot. Living with such issues is very difficult. I wondered if it was right to continue to do so. D is certainly not immune to seeing H's issues either. Although H had said he was going to be home, I expected him to call and tell me he had to leave. As I was tearing up in the car thinking it about it, on cue, he called me. Sure enough, he told me he had to leave. He also said that he was rethinking his decision yet again. I said OK again. I can't make that decision for him and haven't yet decided what route is best for me. I tried my best to sound upbeat because I DO know that he does not do this on purpose so being angry is no help.

Once I got home, I was cheery for D and put her to bed and immediately went to bed myself. I took a couple muscle relaxants both because by neck hurt and because I wanted to sleep and not think. H texted me at about 1130 with a simple "Hey". It was clear he was rethinking his decision to NOT be home. Oy vey. I chose to not respond and went back to sleep. I was in my home and I will sleep on my schedule. Nonetheless, at about 1230 am, H comes back, and hops in to bed with me. I was semi-drugged due to the muscle relaxants so didn't move much. He could see I had had a heating pad on my back due to my pain and gave me a quick neck rub which was nice. However, while doing so, he ended up having a major anxiety attack. I didn't recognize it at first because quite honestly, he's tried to hide them from me. He takes showers when they hit bad. This was the first time I saw one full blown. It was kind of scary. His heart was racing, he was shaking, his breathing was erratic. He simply said " I was fine when I left. What's wrong with me?". I of course, had no answer. His attack waned slightly and I think we had a minor R talk but I honestly don't recall much.

Since then, he's stayed at the house. But the next night, he slept on the couch. I'm not sure why. It was either his way of not running home due to anxiety or he COULDN'T go home because he had overindulged in alcohol after I went to bed. Not sure which and I haven't asked.

Yesterday he seemed better. He texted me throughout the day (since I was working AGAIN) and told me he was initiating "yard therapy" by working on the yard. He texted me that our dog was well behaved and other silly things. He also invited me to dinner at a place he's wanted to take me for years. He even made a reservation. When I got home, our porch looked great. I found him in the bedroom folding and putting away his clothes (which have been in a pile for almost two weeks). So things seemed positive yesterday. Only time will tell how things will continue to go.

One interesting thing that H has done is start a personal blog. It's for himself to work out his feelings on things but he shared it with me and wants me to chime in on things. I read it yesterday and was surprised at a few of things he said. I made some comments but don't know if he's seen them yet. One of the things he mentioned is that the x-OW is still texting him unimportant things. He said it was interesting to hear from her but THAT would be a blog entry in an of itself. Not sure what he meant by that but he knows I can read it so I find it interesting. I mentioned that hearing that DOES bother me because it still tells me she continues to NOT give up. It seems to me that ANY contact is dangerous but at the same time, they were friends for a long time before they became an item and I can see how breaking that type of friendship would be tough. I am torn with that issue at times.