Take The Long Way Home...

[PEI]

I'm not a WAS, but I have given this a lot of thought for some reason. I'm beginning to suspect I had the beginnings of an MLC last year.

There is no one answer to these questions.

Unfortunately true, but you've done a good job anyway ... I want to add my 2 cents too ...

Why do some women come back while others move on why? I think some it has to do with upbringing, idea of commitment, some of it is kids. But I think some come back because they really never stopped loving the LBS, but just had to find it. some see that the grass they thought was greener wasn't really before it's too late. I'd bet a fair number of WAS have a lot of regret years later.

I think it also depends on the LBS and whether or not the changes they make are real and true etc. Even a WAS who loves their S won't likely return to a M without true changes.

And honestly ... all sitchs are different, it really just depends ...

Why once they make up their mind that it is over, is there no turning back?
Part of it is human nature. Its hard to admit you made a mistake an this is a HUGE mistake. So they convince themselves this is the right decision, at all costs. they convince themselves this is the only way out and the only way to solve the problems in their life. This is something they can control. My W said to me, "I may not know what the future holds, but I don't have to put up with you everyday."
I think friends and family have something to do with it. It'd be easier to turn back if you had people supporting that or easier not to if you had people supporting your decision to walk away.

A lot of times they do feel like they've tried a lot of things over the years and this is their "last resort".

Also, don't forget that every reconciliation you read on here included a WAS that said they were DONE ... until they weren't. They ALL say they are done and not changing their minds. They all say there is no turning back etc. Even if/when they are having doubts or watching your every move they will not say anything different. They don't want to give false hope ...

Why do they not like to acknowledge our changes? I think many do acknowledge the change, but it's a case of to little too late. Mostly too late. let's be honest. Most of us only made changes in response to the bomb. In fact, many of us thought things were just peachy while our spouse were seriously hurting. Someone said it best yesterday It's extremely rare that someone walks away from a healthy, fulfilling M. It seems so transparent. I leave - you make changes. If I come back will those changes stay. We promise they will and we actually believe ourselves too.
But also to acknowledge the change would fly in the face of their decision to continue to WA.

Bingo. Sometimes we've made changes over the course of our marriage that were temporary and now they just don't trust that they are any more real or permanent. They have likely been asking for these changes in their way for years.

Why so some of them seem to have so much anger and a total unwillingness to forgive? Remember some of them have carried anger for years and years. Some were crying out for help for years and years and they were ignored by the person they thought would loved them forever. That'd probably make most of us a little angry. In most cases, these problems did not just show up over night and many her have admitted to being less that good spouses. Are they honestly, just supposed to forgive and forget after a few months?

Very well said. Also ... to combine the last two questions: sometimes the changes they have been hoping/wishing/asking for from us for YEARS are suddenly happening, apparently effortlessly and quickly ... wouldn't that p!ss you off too? They could be thinking "NOW??? You wait until I'm done and THEN you do what it takes?"

How can they go from being the most caring people in the world to the coldest? The reach a breaking point and up goes the wall. I think honestly many don't give a crap because heck for years you didn't, why should they now?

Yup. Sometimes when someone who may have given themselves away and been really selfless for years takes back their lives they tip the scales too far. They over-compensate. They finally feel like they have a voice and, dammit, they're gonna use it.

The bottom line is that we just don't know what's going on in their head, and our actions shouldn't be based on anything less than our own authentic self. In order to do that ... most of us have to dig that person out ...

So back to work

Peace
PEI