Take The Long Way Home...

[ninelives]

AWWW FOBD:

Hate to see you in this state of mind. IF ONLY she could see inside you and FORGIVE and start fresh. WHY do we LBS seem so sure it would work but when they are DONE, i think its over.

I pray that you will recover from this FOBD. You are a good man and I KNOW that you will find it again someday. We have to let ourselves heal so that we can love again.

Hope to hear from you again down the road and who knows, ,maybe good news this time.

9

[FellOnBlackDays]

Just a quick update...

Called W today to let her know that I still have a bit more research to conduct with my A and that we can sit down to talk about how we are going to conduct the D. She texts me back. Text??? This is the biggest moment of our marriage and she can't pick up a phone. Then, the text she sends me is to tell me that she is really busy and she will meet with me either Wed or Thur at the earliest!!! She was in my den six nights ago screaming because we weren't divorced "yesterday." Now, she is too busy to talk. Amazing...

The mind of the WAS is quite an enigma. My w is truly mental now and if I am not careful, I am going to let her drag me down with her.

FOBD

[punchy]

Whats really missing from this Board is real insight into the mental state of mind of a WAW. All of us LBS are really focused on improving ourselves and becoming better people. The challenge is trying to keep this going while at the same time not being able to fully understand what is going on in the mind of the WAW. We are constantly guessing and then second guessing what we should or should not be doing. The advice of if its not working then do something different is pretty open ended.

It would be helpful to understand:

Why do some women come back while others move on why?

Why once they make up their mind that it is over, is there no turning back?

Why do they not like to acknowledge our changes?

Why so some of them seem to have so much anger and a total unwillingess to forgive?

How can they go from being the most caring people in the world to the coldest?

Someone needs to write a book that is based on interviews with WAW that have left permanently and those that have come back. May not change our situations, but at least it would help us assess the situation.

[ninelives]

Good luck with that Punchy when I dont think they really know from minute to minute what is going on inside their own heads.

I know my WAW, has no idea where her life is going and although that scares her at times, I think it also feeds her NEED for something, I hesitate to say adventure because it really isnt an adventure but it is something different than the "boring " life she lead with me and our kids.

Just my 2 cents.

9

[OnMyWay]

FORB,

I always remember my DB Coach telling me to watch for signs: that, when I agree and move forward, it actually causes WAW to reconsider her choices and put on the brakes. Especially when you are agreeable, it seems to go against what she are expecting and puts her in a position of questioning her own decision. So, essentially, you have taken away her power by agreeing with her. It's not as important to her now.

Not to give you blind hope, but my DB Coach would tell me this is actually a good sign. I think you are with a coach? It might be worth discussing.

Best of luck, FORB. Stay the course, my BITS.

[♪CS♪]

Just checking in FOBD. Hang in there man. It is interesting that once you initiate the D process she has lost some of her fuel. I think many of these WAW's need a fight. You just took that away from her. Now what?

[JustStunned]

FOBD, IMO she trying to deal with herself and her emotions. She is not trying to provoke a response, but she’ll use one if it is given. IMO she went dark to give herself time to deal with the emotions she’s feeling now.

We don’t know what those emotions are and we shouldn’t speculate. Texting is an emotionless medium to communicate through. That is why emoticons exist.

[Harrier]

I'm not a WAS, but I have given this a lot of thought for some reason. I'm beginning to suspect I had the beginnings of an MLC last year.

There is no one answer to these questions.

Why do some women come back while others move on why?
I think some it has to do with upbringing, idea of commitment, some of it is kids. But I think some come back because they really never stopped loving the LBS, but just had to find it. some see that the grass they thought was greener wasn't really before it's too late. I'd bet a fair number of WAS have a lot of regret years later.

Why once they make up their mind that it is over, is there no turning back? Part of it is human nature. Its hard to admit you made a mistake an this is a HUGE mistake. So they convince themselves this is the right decision, at all costs. they convince themselves this is the only way out and the only way to solve the problems in their life. This is something they can control. My W said to me, "I may not know what the future holds, but I don't have to put up with you everyday."
I think friends and family have something to do with it. It'd be easier to turn back if you had people supporting that or easier not to if you had people supporting your decision to walk away.

Why do they not like to acknowledge our changes? I think many do acknowledge the change, but it's a case of to little too late. Mostly too late. let's be honest. Most of us only made changes in response to the bomb. In fact, many of us thought things were just peachy while our spouse were seriously hurting. Someone said it best yesterday It's extremely rare that someone walks away from a healthy, fulfilling M. It seems so transparent. I leave - you make changes. If I come back will those changes stay. We promise they will and we actually believe ourselves too.
But also to acknowledge the change would fly in the face of their decision to continue to WA.

Why so some of them seem to have so much anger and a total unwillingness to forgive? Remember some of them have carried anger for years and years. Some were crying out for help for years and years and they were ignored by the person they thought would loved them forever. That'd probably make most of us a little angry. In most cases, these problems did not just show up over night and many her have admitted to being less that good spouses. Are they honestly, just supposed to forgive and forget after a few months?

How can they go from being the most caring people in the world to the coldest? The reach a breaking point and up goes the wall. I think honestly many don't give a crap because heck for years you didn't, why should they now?

[Redo]

I'm not a WAS, but I have given this a lot of thought for some reason. I'm beginning to suspect I had the beginnings of an MLC last year.

There is no one answer to these questions.

Why do some women come back while others move on why?
I think some it has to do with upbringing, idea of commitment, some of it is kids. But I think some come back because they really never stopped loving the LBS, but just had to find it. some see that the grass they thought was greener wasn't really before it's too late. I'd bet a fair number of WAS have a lot of regret years later.

Why once they make up their mind that it is over, is there no turning back? Part of it is human nature. Its hard to admit you made a mistake an this is a HUGE mistake. So they convince themselves this is the right decision, at all costs. they convince themselves this is the only way out and the only way to solve the problems in their life. This is something they can control. My W said to me, "I may not know what the future holds, but I don't have to put up with you everyday."
I think friends and family have something to do with it. It'd be easier to turn back if you had people supporting that or easier not to if you had people supporting your decision to walk away.

Why do they not like to acknowledge our changes? I think many do acknowledge the change, but it's a case of to little too late. Mostly too late. let's be honest. Most of us only made changes in response to the bomb. In fact, many of us thought things were just peachy while our spouse were seriously hurting. Someone said it best yesterday It's extremely rare that someone walks away from a healthy, fulfilling M. It seems so transparent. I leave - you make changes. If I come back will those changes stay. We promise they will and we actually believe ourselves too.
But also to acknowledge the change would fly in the face of their decision to continue to WA.

Why so some of them seem to have so much anger and a total unwillingness to forgive? Remember some of them have carried anger for years and years. Some were crying out for help for years and years and they were ignored by the person they thought would loved them forever. That'd probably make most of us a little angry. In most cases, these problems did not just show up over night and many her have admitted to being less that good spouses. Are they honestly, just supposed to forgive and forget after a few months?

How can they go from being the most caring people in the world to the coldest? The reach a breaking point and up goes the wall. I think honestly many don't give a crap because heck for years you didn't, why should they now?

Cold hard truths. All good ones.

But i just wish that WAS at-least think of these things.

1: If you have spent some years together as spouses, I think as humans we develop attachments so deep that are hard to just throw away. I wish a WAS spends some time thinking that sometimes it is better if more time is spent on figuring out how to make each other happy rather than making each other miserable and destroying a potential happy family in the process. Yup, the LBS has made choices that led to this point. Maybe the WAS needs to logically test the LBS out for a while to see if the changes are true.

[PEI]

I'm not a WAS, but I have given this a lot of thought for some reason. I'm beginning to suspect I had the beginnings of an MLC last year.

There is no one answer to these questions.

Unfortunately true, but you've done a good job anyway ... I want to add my 2 cents too ...

Why do some women come back while others move on why? I think some it has to do with upbringing, idea of commitment, some of it is kids. But I think some come back because they really never stopped loving the LBS, but just had to find it. some see that the grass they thought was greener wasn't really before it's too late. I'd bet a fair number of WAS have a lot of regret years later.

I think it also depends on the LBS and whether or not the changes they make are real and true etc. Even a WAS who loves their S won't likely return to a M without true changes.

And honestly ... all sitchs are different, it really just depends ...

Why once they make up their mind that it is over, is there no turning back?
Part of it is human nature. Its hard to admit you made a mistake an this is a HUGE mistake. So they convince themselves this is the right decision, at all costs. they convince themselves this is the only way out and the only way to solve the problems in their life. This is something they can control. My W said to me, "I may not know what the future holds, but I don't have to put up with you everyday."
I think friends and family have something to do with it. It'd be easier to turn back if you had people supporting that or easier not to if you had people supporting your decision to walk away.

A lot of times they do feel like they've tried a lot of things over the years and this is their "last resort".

Also, don't forget that every reconciliation you read on here included a WAS that said they were DONE ... until they weren't. They ALL say they are done and not changing their minds. They all say there is no turning back etc. Even if/when they are having doubts or watching your every move they will not say anything different. They don't want to give false hope ...

Why do they not like to acknowledge our changes? I think many do acknowledge the change, but it's a case of to little too late. Mostly too late. let's be honest. Most of us only made changes in response to the bomb. In fact, many of us thought things were just peachy while our spouse were seriously hurting. Someone said it best yesterday It's extremely rare that someone walks away from a healthy, fulfilling M. It seems so transparent. I leave - you make changes. If I come back will those changes stay. We promise they will and we actually believe ourselves too.
But also to acknowledge the change would fly in the face of their decision to continue to WA.

Bingo. Sometimes we've made changes over the course of our marriage that were temporary and now they just don't trust that they are any more real or permanent. They have likely been asking for these changes in their way for years.

Why so some of them seem to have so much anger and a total unwillingness to forgive? Remember some of them have carried anger for years and years. Some were crying out for help for years and years and they were ignored by the person they thought would loved them forever. That'd probably make most of us a little angry. In most cases, these problems did not just show up over night and many her have admitted to being less that good spouses. Are they honestly, just supposed to forgive and forget after a few months?

Very well said. Also ... to combine the last two questions: sometimes the changes they have been hoping/wishing/asking for from us for YEARS are suddenly happening, apparently effortlessly and quickly ... wouldn't that p!ss you off too? They could be thinking "NOW??? You wait until I'm done and THEN you do what it takes?"

How can they go from being the most caring people in the world to the coldest? The reach a breaking point and up goes the wall. I think honestly many don't give a crap because heck for years you didn't, why should they now?

Yup. Sometimes when someone who may have given themselves away and been really selfless for years takes back their lives they tip the scales too far. They over-compensate. They finally feel like they have a voice and, dammit, they're gonna use it.

The bottom line is that we just don't know what's going on in their head, and our actions shouldn't be based on anything less than our own authentic self. In order to do that ... most of us have to dig that person out ...

So back to work

Peace
PEI