Standing up to the punches

[Redo]

Thanks SL, Harrier. Yup, better late than never. Harrier i think you are right about person never being the same.

When i look back to how i was when i got married, I am happy as to my views and principles are now. I like how my wife helped me get here. Yea, I'd love to get back again with my 'new' changed wife. My only fear being what if she still lives with the idea that she was 100% right and need not change. But i guess that is not in my hands. If she does change, i'll be thrilled to start a new relationship with her.

[Redo]

In had been an interesting weekend...

Wife calls up saturday morning to talk about daughter. Then she asks me how i was doing now that my parents have gone. I told her i am doing okay and somehow we got into this relationship talk for about 1 minute. During that time i mentioned that i am reading some books and figured out lots of things. Then we hung up

Phone comes in afternoon but i dont pick it up. Then she alls evening again. I pick up. Wife wanted to know what i figured out after all that reading. I just told her how i felt that i did not take care as she deserved to be taken care of. How i did not act like a man and always let my inner child control me out. How i could have been better etc. She then told me how she's been trying to deal with her stuff. But later in conversation she tells me that she does not want me to be by myself alone. She wanted me to remarry. I asked her about her remarrying. She said her friends suggested her to do it, but she wants to concentrate on career and studies right now. Then we hung up.

I don't know. Wife tells me everytime that she worried so much about me before she left as to how i would manage myself. But she said she had to leave as she felt that marriage was getting 'toxic' and she could not see me ruin myself with my depression. That she did not know how long she had to wait before i got better. She tells me she cares for me, but she leaves me.

One of my dad's friends who knows about us tells me that it is better for both of us to get divorced because he thought that i would never be able to go against my wife's decisions and always end up saying yes to her. Then i would make myself miserable. She would hate it and then we would be back at square one. He thinks people just cannot change some fundamental qualities that they are born with and in my case this would always create problems. He's old fashioned. But what he said did have a some truth to it. I am pining for my wife all the time and using DB principles i feel that i can affect some positive change in my wife. But what if that does not work??

My mind is going crazy with all these thoughts. BITs if you have any feedback, i'd love to hear it.

[Redo]

Journalling....

Its been a long time since i felt like this. I think i am having a meltdown at work. Talked to some friends and one of them is divorced. Just hearing about his experiences creates this fear about the whole thing. Its a nightmare. He talks about how the love is so dead that they have absolute no feelings other than logistics about the kids. And how it is so frustrating for him to move on even after 3 years of him being divorced. It is like staring into the face of hell and i am dead scared about my life after the divorce. It also just struck me. I'll be paying for child support that i cannot claim for taxes. Wife will also clain daughter for dependent tax purpose. But with all that i cannot watch my daughter grow up and be there for her all the way. Where's the justice here??????. It is not fair when you pay for everything and still you are estranged from your kids, even when the D was not your idea. You don't need hell after you die. This is hell i tell you.

sorry, i have vent. I am just losing it at work. Help!!!

[Redo]

Journalling.....

Its so funny that wife tells me she is leaving because we have a kid and our home was not a good place to raise our daughter because we were arguing. Seems quite reverse logic thinking.

also that she wanted nothing from me. And now everyday we are having discussions on child support payments, assets etc. Seems like wife is quite prepared to rip me out.

At some point on the child support payments wife made an unreasonable request on sunday to which i initially agreed. My friends at work put me straight telling me to be careful about the money issues here. I then emailed her telling me that i would agree to her request.

Everytime wife asks me anything, i feel so guilty that she's suffering that i make big concessions for her. My family just cannot understand why i love her so much when they think she's been manipulating me for this long.

I cannot explain it. I mean honestly i am quite willing to just give away everything to her even though my logical mind tells me that she might not even love me back for any of my sacrifices. I just cannot explain why my heart longs so much for her. I think the most ironical part is that my wife said that in the past 3 years she did not feel much love and affection from me. I've always had it, but my ways of expressing it were different. It breaks my heart to know that my beloved does not even want anything to do with me anymore....

[Still learning]

Just wanted to let you know I've been following your posts.

You said "Wife tells me everytime that she worried so much about me before she left as to how i would manage myself."

I know this is difficult; however, she seems to be watching you to see how you respond to all this. So much of this DBing seems to be "managing" ourselves. Could you make a list of things you can do to help with this. I got good advice from others when I started here - things like: IC, one good friend to talk to, journaling, hobbies, reading, church, exercise, and the like. it all helps.

"But she said she had to leave as she felt that marriage was getting 'toxic' and she could not see me ruin myself with my depression."

Are you getting help for this? Over a year ago I was in IC and started some AD medication for anxiety - a very low level (I actually split these little pills) - however, it did help me...actually what it did was make it possible for me to work (manage) the other things. I was already exercising so much me kness were giving out on the treadmill - that helps with D too.

I was worried that W would see this as weakness - maybe she does. You don't have to tell her BTW - sorta wish I hadn't. I figure, who wouldn't need somehelp in our situations.

[Redo]

Hi SL: Thanks for your help.

I am an only child and my parents fought a lot. So i was ill equipped to deal with conflict situations myself. So what ended up happening was that I blindly trusted that everything what my wife said is right. And that is mostly true. But hey even she is human and i do know that when it comes to life matters she feels she knows things better.

Yup after my parents visited us after our daughter was born and my mom and wife had a fight, i did lose myself. But after that my wife made some really hash choices with my parents like not allowing daughter to have a relationship with them, totally not speaking to them etc. So yes it was hard for me to reconcile these facts and i did feel i was losing it. But see these were situational. I don't have clinical depression. So when wife said that the marriage was getting toxic, I feel that she did contribute to it whether she realized it or not. But right now she does not agree. She feels that this was totally my doing.

So nope, I am not taking any antidepressants. To be honest in 2009 to make my wife happy, i ended up taking antidepressants, and even some bipolar medication because wife thought i might be bipolar. I feel that i really bent backwards taking those medications even though the doctor told me later that i did not need them.

Sometimes i just think a spouse needs to accept who you are and work with you to form a happy marriage. If a spouse cannot accept you for who you are and wants to change you, i think that is 'toxic'

[Still learning]

I can understand not feelining equipped to deal with conflict situations. My parents NEVER fought so when my W wants to "win" an argument, she can just ramp up the intensity and I used to think "whoa, if it's really THAT important to you OK then." Didn't take her long to see the easy road to victory.

Sometimes it isn't a matter of being "right". It's a matter of making decisions together so both people can move on together. I tried to get my W to understand that. A work in progress, obviously.

Maybe that is something for your list - working on conflict management skills. For me, I have to learn that it is ok for me to have my own opinion and not give in right away (else I later resent it). It works better when we meet in the middle - even if I don't care about the decision I DO care that we reache it TOGETHER.

I learn a lot just by talking to people about the things they have gone through in their M and how they handled it. Actually, I usually feel better equipped to deal with my situation afterwards.

Anyway, sounds like you have been trying pretty hard to make your W happy - what would make YOU happy?

[Redo]

I have to say that after marriage, my wife did help me in developing abilities to deal with conflicts reasonably. That was great of her. But problem is that slowly she always justified her way of doing things. So what i did was to always justify her behavior and develop excuses for them. But deep inside i knew that some of what she was doing were hurting me. I became passive. That led me to get depressed and I was too scared to tell her all my thoughts because i thought that i would just make matters worse and that she would leave me.

What i am learning now is learning to set healthy boundaries so that i will not let myself get hurt. And I am learning to silence that 'little child' inside me and be more like a 'man'

Only regret is that we are very far gone in the D process that i'll just have to wait until the D is done and try to court her again.

[Still learning]

Mykarma, I could have written that exact same post. Actually I think I DID at some point. And I see we've been reading the same books.

I think it's great that you are continuing with your plan. I can't help but think your W will notice the changes in you, sooner or later.

[Redo]

BITS, need some help here.

So during this entire process of D, there has been 0 contact from her family. In jan i called my MIL and talked to her and told her that to feel free to call and me up if needed. No contact.

This is not normal because my IL for the most part played big roles in our marriage because they said that they would help if our marriage was in crisis. And also we were close. What drives me nuts is whether my IL are okay with wife doing this. Last time i talked, MIL said that she did not know what our marriage was constantly in crisis and this time she's just gonna pray to decide on our marriage fate.

I am wondering if i should contact my FIL. To find out what he thinks of all this. I'd like to know if he's okay with this. Maybe it will give me some closure on whether i should drop the rope on this marriage or still hold on to the hope.

Because if her family is okay with all this, then my wife will never realize what she is throwing away. But if her family is not okay, maybe there still is hope.

My family tells me not to contact at all for i'll be putting myself down in their eyes. I am torn as to what to do you.

I'd love to know what you think?