Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[Cyrena]

Angel,

I'm so sorry that your D is hurting herself. As others have pointed out, however, this is a demonstration of her level of coping, not a direct criticism of either parent. The better she sees you coping with the inevitable difficulties of life, the better she will learn to rely on herself as well.

Would it help you, when you feel the desire to harm your H, to consider that as a child the MLCer felt exactly as hurt and distraught and betrayed as your D does--but was unable to deal with that pain? As a result, and without any resources or understanding, he's trying to excise that crippling pain now--without benefit of any of the more adult skills he's learned since. Can you consider that--and then release him to find a way to heal himself, while you turn your attention to yourself and your D?

[angel61]

Cyrena,

Don't worry, I am not about to beat up H, I guess I still have enough self control not to do that! I know and understand that he is in pain too.

I think he even has better coping skills than I have. I want him to find his way.

I myself am struggling to find out what are my issues, I have been on the edge of a breakdown for weeks now. Last weekend I found myself shaking uncontrollably, in tears, after a long drive with H. Suicidal thoughts float around in my mind at times, but my faith and reason and logic still prevail. I know I would never really be able to take my life, there is just a perverse satisfaction in thinking of it. I hate to even write it, but I think better to let it out.It is my selfish self, inward looking.

What has happened to D has pulled me out of my focus on myself on put back the spotlight on her. I am actively thinking of how I should handle this. This is me, the fixer, the rescuer.

H is a gown up, is a smart person, has some spirituality left in him. I will give him the facts, and let him decide for himself. I think we have to work together to handle this, he will not want me to decide by myself anyway, knowing how much he loves and cares for D. Unless he tells me that he gives up his parental rights, I do not think it will be appropriate for me to forge ahead and make decisions by myself.

[angel61]

Grace, what do you mean by find you on the alt?

[Grace_O]

The alt is Facebook. Divorce Busting Fan.

[seeking answers]

Angel,

Would it be a 180 for you to take the reins, forge out a plan to deal with your D's issues and implement getting her the help she needs? You do this for yourself and your D, Angel, and I promise that some of the anxiety you're feeling will diminish.

Your H may not be in any kind of position, at this time, to deal with what's going on with your D. Generally the MLCer is so wrapped up in themselves to really give much thought to anyone else.

You are the sane parent right now. Take charge of this and keep your H in the loop w/o ridicule or blame.

Whatever your D tells your H is between them.

Does your D have access to a computer with internet? If she does, I would check the history and find out what sites she may be visiting.

[angel61]

I think our D's issues made H peek through the fog.

Yesterday, he called me 4x from work. Not to talk about D but just to sort of touch base, tell me he was going to be late, and for me to pick up our daughter.

When we got home, he asked me about our D, and I told him I had gotten in touch with the therapist. So we talked about what I learned, I gave him a printout about cutting. Thanks to everyone's advice; I was able to talk very objectively, not once did I point out his role in what is happening to our daughter; I figure he knows it. I explained that D should not be left alone for now; that is something he does when he is with her - he goes to the gym and leaves her at home by herself.

This morning, he was talking to me about it again; he even expressed regret that we have only 1 child; thinking that if D had a sibling she'd feel less alone.

H's demeanor has undergone a subtle change, even towards me. I feel him settling again, more peaceful inspite of the upheaval about our D.

This morning I woke up a bit early and left D sleeping and went over to our bed. I lay down beside him and snuggled a little as it was cold. He woke up and in a soft voice, he talked about his upcoming busy day for a bit, and did not move away until the alarm went off 15 mins. later... My temperature check says "warm".

I am now feeling more peaceful, less freaked out. I will go ahead and will make sure our D will be taken cared off, I have always been in charge of health issues of our D anyway, but I am glad that H is not that wrapped up with himself not to care enough. I know there will be times he will be immersed once more in his self issues, hopefully I will be learning more and more not to react.

Thanks again everyone for the support. The advice was lifesaving. Had I gone ahead and given him the letter, instead of us being close today, it would have been full of recriminations.

[Albuquerque]

Angel,

I'm very sorry to hear about your D. Seeing our kids go through their own issues is tough. I can totally relate. My D is on AD and (I'm pretty sure) tried to cut herself once also. If I have one recommendation it would be to go back and reread PEI's post again and again.

not once did I point out his role in what is happening to our daughter; I figure he knows it.

That ^^^ type of thinking will get you nowhere. It kind of doesn't matter if you didn't say it, you still believe it. Read PEI's post again. You are wrong in your current thinking and you need to fully understand that. Otherwise, you will continue to harbor these thoughts but just won't openly state them. You shouldn't be having them to begin with.

Your daughter is not cutting herself because of something your H has or has not done. PERIOD. She is cutting herself because she does not have the skills and tools to process the emotions she has running through her hormonally infused pre-teen body.

Yes, your H's actions have caused her pain. But learning how to deal and cope with pain is the true issue here.

PEI is spot on here. Your D is the only one to blame for her actions. Your H did not force her to cut herself. She made bad choices and dealt with life in a bad way. Life stinks sometimes. And there is no doubt your H is affecting her overall emotional health. But as PEI points out, there are many other things that life throws at us that also suck. Learning to cope in a healthy way is what your D needs to do. Your D is bright and probably knew (in some small way) this would be a good way to get your H to wake up. But that is the wrong way to do it and don't get sucked into believing it. When he wakes up, it needs to be because he TRULY sees himself for what he is, NOT because of some type of guilt. Stay the course, focus on you, and focus on helping your D learn better ways of dealing with unhappiness. Leave your H to deal with himself. It's all you can do.

[Grace_O]

Angel,

You're going to be in a tough spot. The stresses of dealing with a child that is going through any type of crisis can be overwhelming. It can be really easy to blame, even non verbally.

I hope that it only gets better for your daughter. If it doesn't right away and she continues cutting, he could pull back as the pressure of having to stay b/c of that builds.

You said that you gave him a printout on cutting and talked to him about what you had learned, what did he contribute to that convo?

[angel61]

Hi Grace,

It is tough, and it really calls for me to stand up to the stresses, not give in, especially as I see that my D sees me as weak.

So H read the printout, and the next day he commented that it was a common occurrence that female adolescents cut. I can see that he is still trying to minimize it in his mind. he has not actively done any research about it, and this bothers me, as he is a researcher and things that interest him he really searched for. Obviously he is not going to look at something which will cause him pain.

I said yes, it is because it is more common that kids get stressed now. He knew I talked to D, he asked me why she did it, I told him about how she wanted to control her own pain. We talked about how different it was for a friend of ours who cut with intent for suicide.

Many things were left unsaid but really, I don't have to explain it. Of course no matter what I say, there will be the non-verbal blame. I can't do anything about that, he has a right to know what is happening to his D, and he asks about it.

I slowly introduced the why's to him, I told him D has thought about if for a couple of months now, and that she has been carrying her pain since summer (when the A started).

I brought D to the therapist today. She was able to get her to talk this time - I did not go into the room. She talked to me afterwards. She told me D is taking the family situation badly, and that we should be vigilant and remove sharp objects from the home, anything that could make D harm herself. She is very unstable at this time, is just good at hiding it. She feels she is the only strong one at home, the roles are reversed. She is dealing with drama also among her friends, which is normal for her age, but instead of having family to turn to, she has no one. Both her parents have betrayed her trust.

H wanted to come but because D had told me she did not want H to know, I did not bring H. I don't want D to further not trust me.

H called right away, after I dropped D at school.He wanted to know what happened. I just told him we'll talk later, but I said that not to leave her alone (as you said!) and to start removing sharps at home. I also just said that she is having a hard time, more than we could see. I think he got a little unnerved with what I told him. He picks her up normally then leaves her alone to go to the gym. No more doing that.

I then said we'll talk later, cause I want to think of how best to say things. I am sure he will try to dig and ask more questions. I don't want him to feel pressured though so what do I say?

As for how I am reacting to this: For today, I have already gone through the anger stage, called a few people to vent, and now am slowly getting back my equilibrium. For a while there I just let the stupidity of the man who calls himself a Dad get to me....thoughts about what I would doto him if our D did something to myself went through my head...shed a few tears and yelled in the car....got it off my chest to s afew dear friends....

Time to be the model mom for my D.


By the way Grace, couldn't find you on the alt. Maybe I don't know how to.

[angel61]

By the way, H was really nice to me yesterday as well. Called me 3x, talked about various things while he was driving home. We spent probably 30 mins on the phone. From what I have seen in his phone records when I still used to snoop, he would usually spend his driving time talking to OW. Seems like he is trying to have conversations with me now.

I don't know, I am afraid though that he would pull back again, so not pinning any hopes on this. I will just go ahead as though he is going to be flaky and not the strong parent. I have to replace D's preconceived notion of myself as the weak parent with a show of strength. But if this is the wake-up call for H, then all the better.