Groundhog Day

[FooFighter999]

Hi,

I've started to write this post so many times but never seem to get down what I really want to say and how I really feel.

I have been separated from my wife for 4 months now, and for the last 3 I've been desperatly trying to get her back. Our situation during this time has gone from her hating me, being so so angry with me and talking about getting a quick divorce to now being as close as we have ever been in probably our whole marriage. But on Sunday she dropped the BOMB - albeit I think pressurised by me - that she is still not in love with me and doesn't ever see that she will be again.
Through these last 3 months I have used what I suppose you may call, a 'cut down' version of the 180 and in most respects it has worked quite well. My big failings, if you can call them that, is that I have continued to tell her that I love her, and have been quite generous with gifts, complements and 'nice' things. I have also agreed on occasion to go back home to fix her car and stuff that you would expect a 'husband only' to do. I have mostly been successful in not instigating any communications between us and have tried to look after myself as best I can to create a more positive image of myself. Current circumstances though do make the last bit more difficult. I have never begged, pleaded or grovelled and have not instigated talk of our relationship issues although she has and we will engage in deep conversations long into the night with about how I was, her trust issues with me, how I have changed, why I was like I was, etc etc.
Ther have been a couple of occasions during this period that she has literally been a hairs breadth away from re-committing to our relationship but at the last minute and upon reflection has backed off again. These times have been soul destroying believe me.
A week or so ago I kinda got a little impatient and said that she really needed to think about whether we had a future together and sundays BOMB was the result.
Now I feel like I did 3 months ago, back to square one, and not coping with anything particularly well. Just need someone to try to straighten me out a little and to point me in the right direction for the next couple of months.
I am still not happy with the content of this post but I hope that someone will maybe ask a few questions that will allow me to maybe fill in the blanks

Thanks for reading
FooFighter

[MrBond]

We would need a little more background. How old are the two of you/how long married / any kids / what lead you to her dropping the bomb the first time, etc.

Sorry that you find yourself here, but we're here to help.

[Starsky309]

Foo,

I notice from your one other post, on another thread, that there's a "third party" involved here. Is your wife having an affair, and, if so, is there a reason you left that info out of your opening post on your thread?

It does change the dynamics quite a bit.

What are your wife's marital complaints, and do you feel they are legitimate?

Starsky

[FooFighter999]

Thanks for the reply Mr Bond. Ok further background as follows:

I am 47, W is 48, married for 22years, known each other for 25. 3 kids, D19, S17 D13.

Initial bomb drop was by me last July 10 during a bad holiday. The classic ILYBNILWY statement. I was in a bad place back then, strung out on dope and had been for years. I had also not long been made redundant from work & it in hindsight this affected me more than I realised. I ended up in a complete emotional vacuum and i shut myself off, not just from my Wife & family, but friends also.

I left home to work away when we returned from our holiday, to give ME space to try to sort myself out. I did some therapy while away which helped a little and was able to relax a bit.
My W took it so so badly at and was a complete wreck during this period but was able to keep this from me for quite a while before she cracked and pleaded with me to come back. I kinda folded at this point and we tried a reconcilliation but for me it was too soon. I was off the dope but my head was still fogged up with that cr*p.

Mid November 2010, my W asked if I wanted to continue trying and I said no, I thought we were finished.

I moved out again and gradually my head got straight aand I began to doubt my decision. I went home at Christmas to see the kids and then the BOMB hit me! That was where I wanted to be, back home.

My W though had 'checked out' of the marriage back in Novemeber and as far as she was/is concerned there is no longer an 'us'. She is now 'single' and enjoying her freedom again.
She has gone through the mad blowout stage of drinking, partying, clubbing etc, but has recently calmed down a little.

The BOMB on Sunday came about from me giving an ultimatum the previous week that she had to decide whether there was any future for us ( dumb move or what ) The answer was negative. It didn't help that I snooped on her text messages and found that she was still seeing someone who I found out about a couple of months ago while again snooping ( DUMB dumb DUMB ). She is not serious about this guy, or any other. She does NOT want a relationship with anyone, just some 'fun' but it still hurts like hell.

Thats it guys in all it's gory detail.

ps my ref. to doing a 180 in the first post may be a bit misleading as there is more than version of this. as far as DB is concerned I think I was actually doing the LRT, but not fully 100%

FooFighter999

[dbmod]

^

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm very sorry that you have joined us, but we are happy to help.

Just continue to try and detach as much as possible, and focus on you.
Keep posting, and the vets will chime in. They give excellent advice.

You've come to the right place.

[FooFighter999]

Got my first session of MC this evening. Will be going by myself. Hopefully this can give me something positive to aim for in the future.

FF999

[~ kd ~]

Bombs are bombs... but there appears to be variations of them...

Some are paperwork and the plan to D is already laid out.

Others are... not empty threats, maybe... but appear to be commentaries of the bomb dropper to see if the victim is still paying attention.

Which bomb do you think you got? The one that has a full plan to D attached? Or is your W just checking to see that you're still on board with her?

[FooFighter999]

Which bomb do you think you got? The one that has a full plan to D attached? Or is your W just checking to see that you're still on board with her?

The D word has not been mentioned by W since last Dec., just before I left. She was very hurt & angry back then but now seems content just to stay separated.

She is in no doubt that I am 'still on board', I've told her often enough over the last 4 months but that is where I think I have been going wrong - too much pressure, too soon.

we are still on very good terms but I got a bit of a kick in the gut yesterday ( my birthday ) when she didn't send a card or text / email to wish me happy birthday. I could understand if we were completely estranged but we aren't. What is going on in her head right now??

I am not going to rise to the bait though, and will validate any reason that she gives for not aknowledging my B'day for the first time in 25yrs.

FF999

[FooFighter999]

I've just received this from my W, a bit of a bolt out of the blue really. I've yet to reply and would like some feedback from anyone as to the best way to word my response.
The strange thing is the way that the email is written just does not sound like my W at all. It is almost as if someone else wrote it for her. She sounds completely detached and emotionless.
Maybe it is time to hang up my boots, I really don't know. Please advise!!

FF999

"I am writing to you to make it very clear so that you fully understand that we are over and there will not be any reconcillation.

I am sorry if I have misled you, I know I probably have, but I really do not want to go back ever again. You confused me when you gave up the weed but it was too late as I had lost all the love I had ever had for you a long time ago and I know it will never come back. I gave you 25 years, and have some happy memories and we did have three great kids also to be grateful for. Unfortunately, it all went wrong a long time ago and I did not see it at the time or maybe I did not want to see it because it was too painful to deal with. For a long time I thought it was me, and tried everything to work things out. I am sorry to say however, knowing how you feel, that I no longer love you and have moved on with my life.

I know how hard this will be for you and I am truly sorry. What you never understood was that I felt so low a lot of the time because I could not make you see what was happening to us. I cried many tears over the years, and I had thought, having looked at other peoples relationships that we had something special, so stuck at it. It would have been so different if you had played a bigger part in our marriage. Anyway, I dont want to over old ground about ifs, and whys so I will stop now.

I know you can be happy again, as I always said, you will give someone else what you should have given me, because we all learn from our mistakes. Please dont get in touch to talk about it, I really have moved on and I am happy. It goes without saying, you need to keep in though with the children though, afterall you are still their Father. I wish you well and do hope you take care of yourself."

p.s. I will still be selling the house and as we agreed 50/50. I will be divorcing you at some time, but that is not a priority at the moment. Take care