I have been drinking just a bit too much. Last week I have had 2-4 drinks per night. I know it is not healthy, but in fact I do find that it helps me relax, not think about things, enjoy the kids, and focus on the future......
Last night, we went outside for a smoke together (as we do every night after both kids are in bed). Normally this is where we would talk about things, or even the next day... This is really a good time where we just talk. Last night was no talking, like it has been all week. Nothing at all. Very strange....
I am not doing well at going out and doing my own things. Honestly what I want to do for myself and in my free time is to watch a TV show or a movie, or just relax, since work is so busy and stressful. It's not easy where we live, to just go out and do something I want to do. I do go to the gym, and also, one night a week with friends, but that is it. I need to plan more evening things with the kid(s) alone, or do something more for myself. That part of my "getting a life" is falling short. Being in the house with her is just so stifling. She doesn't go anywhere when I'm home. I don't go anywhere, and sine we don't talk much, the whole things just feels claustrophobic.
The most stupid two things triggered negative feelings for me today. First, I needed my wife to use the lint roller on the back of my shirt. She put her hand on my shoulder to hold me still. Silly, but this is the most contact we have had in a week. I liked it and hated it at the same time. Second thing is I was doing laundry and came across a pair of her new sexier underwear. Just kills me that it was one of the things I always told her when she asked me, was sexy underwear. She always refused (or at least didn't do it), only now to have bought a bunch of it. Then there are other things just like this that she knows I liked and wanted but never did, until now, such as growing out her hair, wearing tall boots, and wearing skirts, especially without tights (she always thought she was too old for this in her 30's but now seems to have changed her mind). It's almost like she is throwing in my face that I wanted all of this, now she is doing it for herself, but I can't have any of it.
Enough for now, need to get my head back on straight.
This feels so wrong. I know the LRT and DR works, but it just feels so counterproductive. But instead I am quiet, and don't really talk to her unless she starts it or unless I have to. Even then I keep it short (and she is very obviously doing the same). I suppose if I try to engage conversation, once again she will have the power. Really I am at the point that I am waiting for her to start any kind of talking, I am tired of being the one always wanting. I could be having lunch with her, hanging out, and having normal discussions at home (not about relationship or future, just talking). I know she would be and is receptive to casual talk, but now after this week, it feels like the trail has just gone cold, like if I keep this up much longer then we couldn't get back to that point. Like we wouldn't know how to pick back up and have fun casual conversations.
I would appreciate any links to others stories here on DB/DR. I recall on my original post (which I deleted after), some people posted - "go check out xxx's story, or yyy's story". I did not save this information in my haste, and I would very much appreciate reading some good stories on what people did that worked, and how they adapted the DB/DR to their situation.
It's over unless there is some miracle. She brought up our R, how am I doing, and so on. She said she is concerned because one of her friends saw me back home and said I looked like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown....
Our 2 hour long talk just now was polite, honest and cordial. We talked about:
How she is feeling: The same, ready to move on.... How I am feeling: I told her that this is the last time I will ever say this, but that I love her and am willing to be patient and see how we can work this out together. However I am ready for reality, whatever that is.
She is seeking a local MC, first to go by herself, and if it looks promising, that we would go together.
I know it sounds promising, but it was very disconnected and factual. I stayed calm and peaceful the whole time. I did really well honestly. She said she is totally disconnected, and has been ready to move on (ever since the week after her passionate kiss with EA/OM). I asked if the EA/OM was the last nail in the coffin, and she said that there were lots of nails take your pick. I asked her what the MC was going to do for her or for us if she was so convinced it was over. She said it was to help her with her guilt and to find out why there was no sliver of hope left. I asked her if it was to relieve her of her guilt so she could feel better moving on or what... Not much of a clear answer.
I did ask a bit more vaguely about her feelings. She said that she decided it was over in this way: If our D8 was in a marriage that was loving, and supportive, but she felt no emotion, PASSION, or love for the H, would she want our D to stay, and her answer was not. The passion part is what kills me, because she now has the taste of passion from the kiss with EA/OM, and I told her this is what is hard for me to accept. She did not deny at all her feelings or desire to be with OM, but did not want to talk about it, since (she said) that this part of her life is not shared with me anymore, so it is her feelings and life, not to be shared with me. By the way, did I mention this OM is married with 2 young children? What horrible, evil people they both are. She says, and I believe, this is only a piece of the puzzle. But her ready to move on and find passion with someone else so quickly and readily while I am still sitting in the station is what is killing me. I do not know if she is in contact with him, or thinking about him (she did not at all want to "go there"), but I know she is (both). I told her how I don't trust her for good reason. She accepts all the blame that she moved on way before I was given any chance to work on things, but she knows what life she wants now and it can't happen with me.
She says she does not share with me because she feels nothing. Nothing to talk about, nothing to share.
We talked logistics how we would move back, she would find a house, we would enroll the kids in school, and take it from there.
LRT is not working because she has moved on, totally. She is ready to end it now, it is just logistics and time. The only thing preventing us from moving back now and ending it is both our parents visiting us, and my patience to see what the MC brings to the party for her/us.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. On one hand, I am ready to pull the bandaid off and move on. The other side of me sees this sliver of hope and is hanging on. I told her this too.
So here I am, having to wait out months of us living with her totally determined and ready to move on, then we move home, and separate, and prob divorce. I need to get much more serious about GAL. Hard to do here.
I am almost at the point of getting totally angry and just ignoring her period. Ignoring when she says good morning, ignoring her when she asks me what I want from the grocery store, and ignoring her presence. I am ready to do this period, but I fear it will just embolden her and make her angry, and make things bad.
I told her that this is the last time I will ever say this, but that I love her and am willing to be patient and see how we can work this out together.
So long as she knows she still has you, emotionally, pining for her, you've given her no chance to miss you, and no chance to be re-attracted to you.
I think your wife is confusing "passion" with "infatuation" and "lust."
It's time for you to stop worrying about what will make her angry, and start worrying about WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, for you and for your daughter. Once your wife suspects that she has TRULY begun to lose you, she MAY (no guarantees) make a move back toward you. But as long as she knows you're there waiting for her, like a puppy dog waiting for her to come back, she's losing what's left of her attraction for you I'm afraid.
Your W sounds just like my H. Totally checked out, not wanting to listen to anything. Their feelings for us are dead and nothing we say or do can change their minds at this point. My H dropped the bomb on me 1/25 and just moved out on 4/2. I was a basket case for about the 1st month. You know what? It gets easier. Detach while you are still living together. I'm not saying that it will be easy. I woke up most mornings feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach when I remembered that my husband was abandoning me.
Do you still want to save your M? If so, I don't think ignoring her is going to put you in a positive light in her eyes and may not be the best thing to do at the moment..even though all you want to do is be mean and hurt them like they are hurting you.
My H and I managed to remain friendly for the 2 months until he moved. It was hard coming home to an empty house, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I truly think it's because I KNEW it was coming and I had a long time to accept it. I told myself that he was moving regardless and there was nothing I could do about it. Am I still angry? Hell yes. I'm so angry right now, I could spit nails. I read on here, I don't know who wrote it, but it has helped me immensely:
"You only give up when YOU are ready to give up. When you think you are DONE, give it 48 hours."
In the meantime, do things that make YOU feel good about yourself and happy. Easier said than done, I know. My DB coach told me that the only way we can have a chance of getting them back is if we let them go first...AND we have to be ok letting them go.
Sorry you're going through this BS too!
Me: 35 H: 33 M: 3 1/2 years, together 6 years No kids Bomb #1: ILYBNILWY 1/25/11 Signed 6 month lease: 3/16/11 Separated: 4/2/11 I'm moving..alone: 9/27/11
Weird new day for me today. I intellectually know I have no wife any more. That my marriage is for all intensive purposes over. I thought I was doing better to disconnect, but when faced with the reminder and reality of it all, it still smacks in the face like a wet herring covered in spikes.
I deleted the saved voice mail messages from her, removed all pictures of her on my phone, and deleted every pic of her from my FB photos.
I'm thinking of moving into the room downstairs, and our of our bedroom.
I am VERY angry today.
I still am at the point that all of the division of assets, child sharing, and all that is not bothering me. It is the reminder that she is leaving in part to be able to pursue someone else. Not just anyone, but someone in specific. That she has a passion out there, that she is just yearning in her soul to join someone else. That is the hard part. So even though I typed it here, I try not to think about it, it's the only way I can wake up in the morning.
Refresh my memory, what is the after the last resort technique?
I remember reading it, but I left my book at home after reading it (twice) because I have no place to really keep the book at home where my wife would not find it.
Jeez Paper, I am feeling EXACTLY THE SAME about where I am right now with my W. Your scenario is similar with regard to a 'third party' also. I'd love to help you man but I can't even help myself right now. I'll look up what comes after the LRT, maybe I need to consider this as well.
Keep hoping.
FF999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
