Pregnant and he's wanting to leave

[Eryam]

Ugh, last night was not good. On my end of things.

He did not come home until midnight (apparently he went out to dinner with a friend). And my rage just took over. I still didn't admit to having the boarding pass, but I did admit to knowing how to get his flight history and gave him the details of when he flew and what he changed. He told me I was crazy and that he couldn't have been in two places at once (because he had shown me last week that he had purchased gas in our city, therefore how could he have been on the other side of the country).

He just kept saying I needed to give him space and that just made me even more angry. While I know I haven't 100% backed off, I've not had a phone conversation with him in almost 2 weeks, and except for logistical conversations that we MUST have due to my condition, I really haven't initiated any other conversations.

I'm just so filled with rage when he is here. The lies, to himself and to me, are too much right now.

I have signed up for a financial course specifically geared towards women that will meet for 3 hours on Monday nights for the next 3 weeks. I also have prenatal yoga for 2 hours on Tuesday nights, and I'm attempting to join a church choir that meets for almost 2 hours on Wednesday nights (and thus will also make me go to church for almost 2 hours on Sundays). And I'm thinking of telling some friends that live nearby what's been going on so it will be another place for me to go just so I can not be in my house.

And yes, I know I'm the pregnant one and I shouldn't have to be the one leaving, but at the same time, he's not going to know what it's like to be in this house by himself without me if I don't. The only other times we've been "separated" is when he's on the company's dime and gets a spending account and hotels. And frankly that's just not real life, and so it doesn't make him understand what it is really like without me. He might as well just go on vacation.

Baby steps:
--Despite me being furious last night, he slept in the bed with me.
--I woke up this morning to a horrible dream that my sister had died (she's currently au pairing abroad), and I literally cried for 45 minutes. He was kind enough to hug me and hold me and tell me that it was ok. I didn't ask for this.
--He made the bed again this morning without me asking (he has been horrible about doing ANY type of chores since I became pregnant unless I nagged the crap out of him).
--I am recognizing my anger and trying to put steps in place to not let him see me like this anymore.

GOALS:
--Keep busy, and stay out of the house if possible. And go to bed with our without him.
--Only be happy around him.
--Find things to talk about (this one is SO hard. Any suggestions on what we can talk about?? The baby talk might freak him out, and R stuff is out of the question... so....)
--Find ways to deal with my anger. I'm going to IC and MC (with or without him), but I honestly do not feel that angry until he is in my presence. And then I just fall apart.
--Reread portions of DR EVERY DAY. Some people read the Bible; I read this.

[Eryam]

Opinions needed:

H complains that I am not fun. But I tell him that when we DO go out and do things (which feels like we never do anymore), we DO have fun. His argument is that we only have fun when others are around and that I am no fun with just the two of us. So do I need to stop going to functions involving others?? I just want him to understand that I am fun, but he won't go anywhere with just me to prove I'm fun. What should I do?

[Eryam]

Arg how is he supposed to know that I am GAL when he is never home to see me leave!!! I feel like he's doing everything in his power not to be home, regardless of whether or not I'm here.

This weekend was full of ups and downs. I feel like more ups than downs, but he is still far from where I want him to be. We were able to come to some agreements to try to help us stop being so hostile with each other (we did get into a screaming match on Saturday where we both cried). On marriagebuilders.com there's a lot of different activities to do with your spouse, and one of them is to come up with a "policy of joint agreement" which basically says that neither party will do something without enthusiastic agreement from their partner. It's a way to negotiate needs without hurting the other person. I think we both got a few things we wanted, but I don't know if H really understands how I want mine executed.

For example, I said that I do not care where he is or what he is doing, but when he says he's going to be home at a certain time, I expect him to stick to it. And I would rather him say midnight and it be 10:30 than him say 10:30 and it end up being midnight. And it's not because I need to know what he's doing. It's simply a courtesy thing. If you are going to be out until 10, then I can go do something else and not sit around wondering whether or not to make dinner for you. I have ALWAYS asked this of him. So he agreed that this was not unreasonable and he would do it.

So today he texted me at 6 that he was leaving work. I was out at my finance class until 9. I come home, thinking he will be here, but no, he's not. So I text:
Me: I thought you were leaving work at 6
H: I did.
Me: I thought we agreed you would let me know when you were going to come home and I wouldn't ask your whereabouts and you would stick to the time.
H: Went home, you were gone. Best friend and I made plans.

So after a few minutes of thinking of what to say, I just said, "OK. Thanks for letting me know"

At another time I will probably have to explain that just because he came home, doesn't mean that when he leaves again he doesn't have to stop communicating. I don't know why this is so hard for him to understand! All it would have took was "hey, leaving again, will be back at 10" or whatever.

Why is this so hard for him? Is he being passive aggressive or smart a$$, or does he really not get it? He's always been time retarded (which I blame on the ADHD), and so he has always said, "oh, I'll be there in 30 minutes" and it be more like 2 hours. I just don't understand.

If he is doing this to be noncompliant, it makes me very nervous to fulfill what I agreed to in our negotiations. I just don't want to be the one bending over backwards while he just takes advantage.

[MrBond]

First off, let's get real here. YOU are pregnant and your H needs to STFU and realize that you are the one who is in need now. Not him.

Stop worrying about his needs and worry about your own. Here's the skinny. Your H is afraid about the pregnancy. He's afraid of buckling down and being responsible. That's why he blames you for so much of his own unhappiness.

So he complains about you not being fun anymore. Give me a break. You're pregnant and your D is the first priority. He needs to get some balls and understand his responsibility as a husband and soon to be father.

Here's what you do. Go out and do what you need to do for the pregnancy. Buy things and don't include him in the planning. That's your GAL. Not the going out or appeasing him. Act as if you are ready to live your life without him and that you are prepared to not have him involved in his daughter's life.

Make sure you do all this and involve your in-laws if you get along with them. Show them that you are being responsible. Your H is going to see that and throw a major tantrum. But don't give in. Be like you're ready to move on without him. Stay strong with this and don't give in.

Don't lose your temper and treat him like a freeloading teenager who is not taking care of his responsibilities. He takes advantage of you because you are allowing him to do so.

[Teratosa]

Hi dueinMay,

I don't usually post very much, but my husband left while I was pregnant also. We actually did IVF, and when I was 5 months pregnant (the day before mothers day) dropped the bomb. He moved out a month later.

Some of this MAY resolve when he holds his daughter, but I can tell you it's short lived. My husband moved back home the week after my daughter was born. He stayed two days and left again. He told me had cried the entire week missing her and our son and that he couldn't believe he wasn't the one to take me to the hospital or drive us home. But, once he was actually there he couldn't do it.

I haven't had time to read your whole sitch, but the recent stuff with him saying you aren't "fun" is EXACTLY, almost verbatim actually, what my husband said. After we had our first baby we had fallen into a rut, and I wasn't doing much of anything. I validated him on that point. I wasn't much fun. I became a "mom". I was focused on that and that only. I didn't realize how much of myself I had lost.


Anyway, there is hope. My husband and I are back together and he is moving back in soon. We still have a long road a head of of us though. I should also say that my daughter is almost 18 months old...so this takes a while!

[Eryam]

Bond, yes, I'm trying SO hard to do my own thing. And I'm glad that the in-laws are involved again, but they hated me so much for so long, I don't know how them being in the picture again will affect things. I am trying to make plans with them on a semi-regular basis now, and I don't know how he feels about that. In fact our best conversations this weekend really revolved around them and how to handle them. But I figure if I get in good with them, that can only help me. I don't know how to handle his lack of responsibility because he's NEVER done this behavior before. At least he's still paying bills and going to work, but as far as staying out til all hours and not communicating, it's just very unlike him. I don't know how to be around him, because I don't know who this is.

Teratosa, thank you so much for reaching out to me. I feel so alone. I'm very thankful for the support I've received from friends and on this board, but I can't help but feel so very different because I'm pregnant. I honestly believe I would not be in this situation at all if I were not pregnant. That's very encouraging to hear that you and your husband are working things out, and it's nice to know a time table too. And yes, I am admitting that I was not the most attentive wife for a while. We had a really hard year in 2010. But I am willing to do whatever it takes to get him back and have our family be what it is supposed to be.

I texted a little bit with best friend about their meeting last night. He said that H seemed in better spirits than the last time they talked and he is keeping up with therapy. Said that while he did mention D as a "possibility", he didn't get the sense that H is committed to it at this point. For now it seems that H does want some kind of indefinite separation because he is not happy and wants space.

I don't know what that means. You don't know if you want a divorce, but you do know you want space? I mean, as long as you will come back to me, I will give you all the space you need for as long as you need it; as long as you come back to me.

He thinks that because he is so unhappy he won't make a good dad, and the way to make himself happy is to distance himself, even if that will mean less time with his child and more expense.

But I'm sorry, I feel like I know H too well for that. He is extremely wrapped up in finances. In fact, I think he is resentful of this child because of finances. He makes comments about it fairly regularly (i.e. I'll be paying for that for the next 20 years, etc.). Not to mention when he becomes attached to someone, someone he loves very much, all he wants to do is spend time with that person. I have a hard time believing he would rather stay away from me and have his child a limited amount of time than stay with me and have unlimited access to her.

I just keep hoping this has so much to do with her and not with us and he will realize that. There have been more signs that he feels, as Bond put it, afraid of the pregnancy and buckling down and being responsible. Like we were able to have long conversations about our relationship and about his parents and even about planning logistical stuff for this week. But when I send him an email about going to go the hospital to get the labor and delivery tour, he completely ignores it. He makes eye contact with me when we talk about other things, but when we talk about the baby, he looks down and away. His tone of voice changes from being fairly animated to very monotone. He's not asked to feel her move in a long time.

I'm trying to think back to what he was like when his sister became pregnant at 19. He was not supportive of the pregnancy, didn't really care about it, and didn't understand why I wanted to go see her. He didn't ask questions and he never tried to feel the baby move. And then the day his niece was born, he cried while looking at her in the hospital. He wanted to visit her often (and he hated his sister... still does). His sister even made him the Godfather. Even when he had the huge falling out with his family, he tried to think of ways to still be in his niece's life without directly dealing with his sister or parents. Eventually he gave up on her, but that was because he simply did not want to deal with his family at all anymore and felt that nothing he would do for her would ever be received the way he wanted it to.

So this gives me hope. If he loved her so much, how could he not love our child?

I wish he would identify behaviors in me that he dislikes so much. Every time we start to talk about this he shuts down or becomes very defensive and angry. Does this mean that it's all BS and it makes him uncomfortable when I call out his crap? Or does he really dislike me that much?

[ESN]

Can you ask him to be specific on the things he dislikes, if and when the conversation comes up?

I think you're trying to rationalize a lot of irrational behavior. You really are observant and have pinpointed a lot of the issues. But I think the responsibility/perceived burden is what is blowing this up. He can't handle it. Doesn't mean he won't down the road. But he's not handling it now.

Are there separate issues with you unrelated to the pregnancy? Hard to tell. You mentioned not being the most attentive wife.

Have you guys done any MC? I think a lot would come out there if you find the right MC who can facilitate discussion and see what's happening with him from a mile away.

[MrBond]

First things first. DO NOT worry about the faults that he finds in you. When he starts saying stuff about how you're not "fun" anymore, then that's just him being selfish and stupid.

Let's get real here. I'm sure your H wasn't exactly a saint himself. Many of the LBS's here forget that and put the WAS on a pedestal. I'm sure there were plenty of times that he acted in a way that you didn't like or appreciated and you didn't say anything.

Is there a reason why his parents don't like you aside from what your H has said? Here's what I would do: Invite them to certain things involving the baby, but not all. During those interactions, look as if you are the best mother of all and don't mention your H. If they start causing trouble, say, I'm sorry you feel that way and walk away. They may start putting you and your parenting skills down, but don't let it get to you. Get strong.

Your GAL should be about your baby.

[Eryam]

Lila, yes, I think a lot of this is the responsibility aspect. I’ve always been the “cool” wife in the group of friends by giving him a lot of latitude with what he does or doesn’t do. We’ve always been able to balance each other out in that he takes care of the financial things, I take care of how the house runs, he takes care of filling up our social calendar, I take care of seeing that we actually fulfill the appointments we’ve agreed to. And it’s always worked well. But I think that now he understands that I can’t be the only one to come home at a certain time and he has to be active in more than just his normal ways overwhelms him. I most definitely think he’s being childish, but at the same time, I think that when she gets here, his Daddy role will kick in. But I think like you said, the perceived notion of how difficult it will be scares the hell out of him.

As far as the stuff with me goes, he will not be specific about what bothers him. He’ll come up with one instance of one behavior that is annoying, and then of course when I offer to fix it, he becomes flustered and shuts down. And he is unable to offer any other examples of annoying behaviors. I was not the most attentive wife in that I did not do a whole lot with him recreationally in the past year or so. After having read “His needs, Her needs” I realize how important recreational companionship is to most men. And I will admit I neglected that, but at the same time, as Bond pointed out, there were definitely missteps on his part as well. I went to grad school and worked 3 part time jobs; he worked one job, but would often work 12-14 hours days (self imposed) in order to climb the corporate ladder. We both put our careers first. And then when I got pregnant, I told him that we couldn’t be doing this anymore, at least not to the degree with both had been going. I definitely think he doesn’t appreciate this (he’s been told he’s going to be a manager over 20 people next year and he’s not even 30… don’t know how that’s going to work if I expect him to cut his day from 12-14 hours to more like 9). I had always joked about how I was putting H on the backburner throughout school, but he was (at least seemed to be) supportive about my career choice. I definitely was supportive of his (he literally started in the mail room 6 years ago).

And we went to one session of MC, we both bickered the whole time and did not accomplish much, so the MC suggested I come by myself once (I just cried during the MC session and she couldn’t understand half of what I was saying), and then H hasn’t come since then. He says he is uninterested in it at this time, but he is going to IC (and I found out he’s actually going MORE than the therapist thinks he needs to. This is what he told Best Friend anyhow). Originally I was going to keep going, with or without him, but we are using free sessions provided by his company, and we only get so many of those before they’re gone. If he’s not going, I’m using them up (and I’m going to IC… so what’s the point of me going to two therapists on my own?). One of the things we agreed to was that we would readdress the idea of MC at the end of the month (I currently have a booking on the 27th).

As far as his parents are concerned, they dislike me because they feel that I am the reason H decided to cut ties. Here’s the thing: H has the anger pattern where he seems like the laid back dude, until one day he just “snaps”. The “snap” happened about a year before he proposed to me (plus I got into a huge fight with his sister and they decided to get their noses into it). Now, we all know that those are not really snaps. They really are weeks, months, years of resentment where the person says NOTHING about anything until suddenly they can’t take it anymore, and the person on the receiving end is clueless about their level of frustration because nothing has ever been said, and the angry person just looks like they’ve lost their mind and this came out of nowhere. So this is what happened with his family (and quite a few other people… including me now, apparently; although like I said, I think this has little to do with me and mostly to do with the child). But I do plan to involve them as much as possible (ex: H is going out of town again… at least he told me this time…. And I plan on having dinner with his sister while he’s out), especially when it comes to the child. I may even invite them over when H is out of town if I can finish the nursery and they can see our house. I haven’t decided.

I got to talk to Best Friend for an hour and a half yesterday. He said H seemed in MUCH better spirits than the last time they talked and he was much more open. He said that while H did mention D as a “possibility” he thought the subtext said H was really uninterested in that. He did say H kept saying he wanted a separation. I’m not sure what the difference is for H. He also made mention that his “ideal situation” would be to have a bigger house, with a room that he could go to by himself, and a lot more money. Strange, right? It’s not that he wants to move out, or divorce me, or get a new wife, or live on the other side of the country and have unrestricted access to his child…. But he wants a bigger house to hide in with more cash.

He is just like a teenager. And I know that’s how he’s been acting, especially with the irritability, irresponsibility, and general lack of communication, but he literally wants to hide out in his room, play with his toys and be left alone.

However, I feel a lot of comfort in that I found that when I do make my logical arguments (thank you, Cognitive Behavior Therapy training), they stick. He got mad at me on Sunday for talking to “his” friends (another very juvenile argument) about what was going on and said that I “need to get my own friends”. Apparently he talked to Best Friend about this, sees the validity in my argument, understands why I’ve told whom I’ve told, and thinks it’s fine for me to talk with these people. Oh, but will he tell me I’m right? No. But I don’t need that. I really don’t. As long as he’s getting the message, I don’t give a crap if I never hear another word from him on that subject.

So I think we are making progress. Slow but steady progress.

I’ve got 6 weeks to go until my due date. And this kid will most likely come early (she’s huge). We’ve still got a long way to go.

[ESN]

I got halfway through your post, and I want to respond before I forget my thoughts, then I'll read your other half...

He is trying to find excuses to leave through you - finding flaws, etc. It is his own fears he can't see and face right now.

I think you need to be in MC together and IC alone. Stop the MC until he can go with you; there's no real point in going alone, and I'm surprised she even took you. We had a lot of bickery first sessions. It takes time. We've been in MC for a long time now and three different therapists! We're finally now getting at stuff.

My boyfriend is hiding in his room, acting selfish, and playing with toys. I think I mentioned here, he just came home with a brand new 2010 FUSCHIA dodge challenger two nights ago. It is STUNNING.

I wish someone can tell these guys to grow up. Right now, I'm trying to detach and enjoy my life and my daughter as best I can.

You've got a long way to go, yes, but it's him that has a long way to go. Or not. It really is going to come down to what he decides - to stay a victim? To stay in his teen fantasy? Or to grow up and be a man and face his fears and meet them with courage.