It's over unless there is some miracle. She brought up our R, how am I doing, and so on. She said she is concerned because one of her friends saw me back home and said I looked like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown....
Our 2 hour long talk just now was polite, honest and cordial. We talked about:
How she is feeling: The same, ready to move on.... How I am feeling: I told her that this is the last time I will ever say this, but that I love her and am willing to be patient and see how we can work this out together. However I am ready for reality, whatever that is.
She is seeking a local MC, first to go by herself, and if it looks promising, that we would go together.
I know it sounds promising, but it was very disconnected and factual. I stayed calm and peaceful the whole time. I did really well honestly. She said she is totally disconnected, and has been ready to move on (ever since the week after her passionate kiss with EA/OM). I asked if the EA/OM was the last nail in the coffin, and she said that there were lots of nails take your pick. I asked her what the MC was going to do for her or for us if she was so convinced it was over. She said it was to help her with her guilt and to find out why there was no sliver of hope left. I asked her if it was to relieve her of her guilt so she could feel better moving on or what... Not much of a clear answer.
I did ask a bit more vaguely about her feelings. She said that she decided it was over in this way: If our D8 was in a marriage that was loving, and supportive, but she felt no emotion, PASSION, or love for the H, would she want our D to stay, and her answer was not. The passion part is what kills me, because she now has the taste of passion from the kiss with EA/OM, and I told her this is what is hard for me to accept. She did not deny at all her feelings or desire to be with OM, but did not want to talk about it, since (she said) that this part of her life is not shared with me anymore, so it is her feelings and life, not to be shared with me. By the way, did I mention this OM is married with 2 young children? What horrible, evil people they both are. She says, and I believe, this is only a piece of the puzzle. But her ready to move on and find passion with someone else so quickly and readily while I am still sitting in the station is what is killing me. I do not know if she is in contact with him, or thinking about him (she did not at all want to "go there"), but I know she is (both). I told her how I don't trust her for good reason. She accepts all the blame that she moved on way before I was given any chance to work on things, but she knows what life she wants now and it can't happen with me.
She says she does not share with me because she feels nothing. Nothing to talk about, nothing to share.
We talked logistics how we would move back, she would find a house, we would enroll the kids in school, and take it from there.
LRT is not working because she has moved on, totally. She is ready to end it now, it is just logistics and time. The only thing preventing us from moving back now and ending it is both our parents visiting us, and my patience to see what the MC brings to the party for her/us.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. On one hand, I am ready to pull the bandaid off and move on. The other side of me sees this sliver of hope and is hanging on. I told her this too.
So here I am, having to wait out months of us living with her totally determined and ready to move on, then we move home, and separate, and prob divorce. I need to get much more serious about GAL. Hard to do here.
I am almost at the point of getting totally angry and just ignoring her period. Ignoring when she says good morning, ignoring her when she asks me what I want from the grocery store, and ignoring her presence. I am ready to do this period, but I fear it will just embolden her and make her angry, and make things bad.
