I'm so sorry that your D is hurting herself. As others have pointed out, however, this is a demonstration of her level of coping, not a direct criticism of either parent. The better she sees you coping with the inevitable difficulties of life, the better she will learn to rely on herself as well.
Would it help you, when you feel the desire to harm your H, to consider that as a child the MLCer felt exactly as hurt and distraught and betrayed as your D does--but was unable to deal with that pain? As a result, and without any resources or understanding, he's trying to excise that crippling pain now--without benefit of any of the more adult skills he's learned since. Can you consider that--and then release him to find a way to heal himself, while you turn your attention to yourself and your D?
