Looking for BITS. I'm OnMyWay

[♪CS♪]

This is said a lot here, but for you, it is more important than ever. SET BOUNDARIES!!!!!

You are the only adult in this R right now, you need to do what is best for you and D. She is acting like a teenager right now. You will have to treat her as such.

[OnMyWay]

Phew,

Man, Country, I'm trying, but she has become a raging Beeeotch. I'm just not seeing the path right now and she is walking all over me. It is not helping my self-esteem at all.

For example, she's dictated the whole weekend. Her big plans and when she is going to spend time with our D. And, if it doesn't work out, her solution is to find a sitter to cover for her. I feel our D deserves better than that. It is seriously making me hate her. Only problem is, I'm sure I won't win in my state in divorce court. And I HATE being between a rock and a hard place.

I wanna just destroy her right now. I know I need to be a better man than this, but, sh!t, I'm just not able to pull it off right now.

HELP!

[AJM80]

OMW - on my phone, so can't type much. This can be positive. It's practice for when your D is a teen If you don't want your wife, fine. Use DB'ing to set your boundaries, improve yourself, and keep detaching in a healthy/positive/controlled way that leaves the door open for when you are both in a better place.

Finally, you can't make your wife do anything, but you can change how you respond and start to control your environment. Your anger and hurt are valid - get it out in counseling or somewhere. A big ugly fight or D from your wife wouldn't be help anyone. Youkre doing a good thing by trying.

[ironMan]

Well, OnMyWay ... congratulations .... you ... like me .... currently have 2 daughters. One that is and should be a child ... and the other one.

Yeah, you can divorce her if you want. If that's what you want .. do it. However, I'm afraid it won't make the anger or pain or anything else go away. In fact, it may be giving her what she thinks she deserves.

She's not an adult right now. Same as my W. She's acting out like a teenager.

She's going to go on this process of finding out who she is ... divorced or not. I think the best thing for you is going to be to detach so that you don't get taken along for the ride. This is going to be important whether you divorce or not.

So, re-focus on 1) being the best dad you can and 2) GAL. Its your life ... enjoy it. You don't get another.

Then, after you have some space away from the sitch, you can make an informed decision on whether to D or not.

[OnMyWay]

Just got off the phone with my DB Coach. Thank goodness, she was able to help me focus and get back on track. Funny how she used the "teenager" reference every else has used here.

Anyway, she really helped me see straight again. Good thing is my path has NOTHING to do with my WAW. She has just become so irrelevant here. Only issue is she's still around to cause me pain. DB Coach gave me some tools and has suggested I go ahead & remove myself further from my sitch until I can get more clarity - focus more on my future. I fail to see how that will actually help save my marriage, but I guess that's not my problem. Nothing fun about being married to a "teenager" anyhow. Let WAW worry about that.

Now, back to GALing.

[OnMyWay]

Had an hour long discussion with WAW on phone (we had done some text fighting last night). I spent part of the time apologizing and some more time just trying to thaw the ice burg a little. For the sake of our daughter, we need to be able to communicate better. We both gave each other the courtesy of letting the other explain their side a little. I MUST do a better job of controlling my anger, but I keep messing that up.

She stated she's worried about me being angry and I stated my case of how I don't really feel I can trust her. She seemed to be receptive to this discussion and we both kind of agreed we would try to work together a little better.

We spent some time discussing our sitch, with regards to our stuff. We are considering "liquidating" our life (selling off furniture, etc.), just to make things easier when/if the Big "D" comes our way. We can use the $$$ to reduce debt, help her pay for summer school, get me in a position of move on/GAL. This did open the door for me to give her the ol' "You know I understand you feel this is over, but this is not what I want" talk.

She has been trying to separate herself from me by getting her own car insurance, etc. Plus, she just found out she can't get money for school during summer semester, so things will begin to get interesting for her. Wonder how that will play out. Could go either way - she could see my value, or it could end up all being my fault. Don't think that is my problem, though. She did reinforce that she doesn't believe we can ever be good again. I agreed with her that she does feel this way and informed her that wasn't what I wanted. She agreed that she didn't want it either, but this is how it worked out.

I'll see her tonight for a minute (she's with D8 now at home, but will leave when I get there afterwork). Then, I think it is time to go dark until Saturday, when I will see her again next. That will give me a couple of days to try (again) to get my head screwed on straight and be in the right frame of mind for next time I see her. I've just got to get this right at some point. I've got to stop being mad at her for doing all this. I'm just having a hard time forgiving her for breaking up our family.

[OnMyWay]

Just reading over on Sparks14 sitch about his W's anger:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2144231&page=3

Made me think about my WAW. I've noticed she's been attacking/provoking me much more, and I'm such a big dumb idiot, I fall for it. Perhaps this is some sort of sub-conscious thing on her part: she pushes my buttons (which she has all of a sudden become very good at) to get a negative reaction from me which, then, validates her decision to leave?

What do you think?

Even if that's not the case (as what she thinks is her problem, really), if I believe this to be the case, I may use it to my advantage to help me stay "centered," a tool which has eluded me; my big problem is keeping control of my anger when she's coming at me. But, if I feel it is her "gaming me" or at least I assume it is, then I will have a better understanding and won't be such a push-over next time it happens.

Can anyone elaborate more on WAS's "anger" stage?

Also, I really need some thoughts on sex. WAW and I have, somehow, remained somewhat sexually active during all this. She comes on to me, we do our thing, and she leaves. Later I get a text message, her obviously feeling guilty as she "doesn't want to send mixed messages." I usually just shrug this off and let her know I enjoyed it, but that it was "no big deal and that she shouldn't be concerned." I'm not sure if this is positive or not, as most DBers don't seem to have that type of R with the WAS after the walkaway. Mine continues come back for more, yet is always reminding me that our marriage is over and she just can't see it ever being good enough again. I'm kind of tempted to, next time, to get her to stay the night just to see how she handles that the next day.

I feel as if I'm in uncharted DBing territory here, as this isn't really part of the curriculum. DB Coach seems to think it is ok, as it is at least a connection. It is like she is testing the waters in a positive way, but later will test in the negative. I just wish she would make up her mind and pick one. I know which one I'd pick. LOL. My main concern, however, would be a false sense of reality on her part. I have been very clear that I do NOT want her coming back with out us having a plan to deal with many of the issues that cause her to WAW to begin with. Our old marriage is dead. I didn't want it to end, but I also do not want to go back to it now that it is over, period.

Ah yes, all the fun of a WAS. I love her to pieces, but want to strangle her at the same time! LOL. This may sound crass, but at least I'm getting laid from time-to-time. ;-)

[sparks14]

OWM - Thanks for checking in on my sitch.

Ahh... the anger phase. Fun, huh? I picked up some great advice from 2step's thread that MichelleLT had posted. It definitely gave me some perspective and helped me balance.

As was pointed out to you like a week or two ago, she's in the anger phase. She has to get through this, so this might not be a good time to try and move things forward. The anger is good. It means she's noticed the changes, that she's peeved that you made them after she left and not before.

Her comment about how you never argue with her...that's GREAT! Keep it up! That's really making an impression on her!

The WASs LOVE IT when they can get under your skin. When you argue with them, it validates why they left. You are refusing to play into her hands!

I have really been DBing for the last two months and not until just a few weeks ago has my W really showed anger. I had to step out of the box and ask myself what changed that could have caused this. I realized that I am still my upbeat, positive, non-confrontational self. I keep things very light. When she talks, I listen and validate.

In our past, my W and I would escalate the smallest disagreement into a loud verbal argument. I realized that our personalities simply clashed here. We are both stubborn and think that we are right. I can't change my W, but I can change how I approach disagreements. What it comes down to is I know I am not instigating any of the negativity or fights right now. One of my key 180s is the listening and validation. I also do my best to pick my battles. In the past, I always had the logical answer to every problem. How annoying is that? I can see where my W never felt heard. I now listen, validate, and agree to her side more often. I don't think that I do this to a point of being a doormat. I just try and stay as calm as possible.

I guess these are the reasons why I feel like her anger is a good thing. I have to be careful not to over analyze her actions or try to interpret her feelings. I get the 2x4s often for doing this. I do see that the anger came shortly after she noticed that my change was not a short term thing. Maybe she needs that self justification for the decisions she has made. Who really knows.

Regardless of how she feels or acts, I know that I have the ability to not give in to the anger. Every time that I give in and fight back with my own anger, it shows my W that I have not changed and justifies her actions. The one thing that I can improve on, however, is finding a way to keep core disagreements from escalating. For me, the custody piece is one of those. That is not something that I can give into. I am trying, desperately, to keep calm, listen, validate, and disagree. It has been difficult, but I have to keep it up.

Best of luck, OWM. It really sounds like your focus is there. You just need to recognize your anger from the outside and keep it in check. It will only make sure sitch worse.

[ironMan]

I don't know what to tell you OnMyWay. But, I'd say that if its ok with you, then it is probably ok period.

I can't imagine though ... my W hasn't touched me since December and won't even hug me now as "we don't have that kind of relationship".

[OnMyWay]

Interesting update:

My WAW informed me she wouldn't be hanging around tonight with our D. After I got home from work, she would be leaving for an "appointment."

When I got home, she made a point of telling D she was leaving to "go to a doctor's appointment." Concerned, I asked if she was ok. That's when she dropped the news: "I'm going to the counselor."

I sat there cool as a cucumber on the outside, but on the inside there was a party in my head - OMG! Seriously?! What a relief! Finally, she's actually making some sort of attempt at figuring things out, whatever they are. It's a miracle!

Now, I know I have to stay calm and in control. If I let my mind wander, I can easily conjure up all sorts of scenarios where she finally see's that has all been a huge mistake. But, alas, that's not reality. I just have to be happy she is seeking some help as I continue to steer myself to where I need to go.

Looks like things may get more interesting from here. We're taking our D to a carnival together this friday. Hopefully, we can make some minor progress here.

Grab your 2x4's BITS! I'll need a proper attitude adjustment from all of you by then! Gimme your best shots and set me straight!