Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[PEI]

angel,

Please know that it is my nature to play devil's advocate and challenge ... I like to look at angles you might not consider or be able to see being so close to your own sitch. You know your D best, as a parent, sometimes our own gut instinct is all we have to go on.

I also know that a lot of parents (and I'm generalizing here) tend to only see the good their own kids. It can be hard to accept some things. The whole "not my kid" epidemic.

All I'm saying is that it would be really good to be very open minded when talking to the ICs. I get that she is hurting and has no idea how to process her own pain. Sha has also lived in a house full of manipulation and control and subconsiously picking up those behaviours would not be outside the realm of the possible. She could be doing to control her pain as well as hurt her father and attempt to use their once very close relationship as a guilt tool. I wonder about her not wanting him to know ...

She did not want H to know, but she shared it with me because I too, have feelings about harming myself and she could see it.

This scares the hell out of me angel. How could she see it?

I know, my D has never really trusted me much, even before, as I have been always the "fun parent" but the weak one. Even before, when everything was OK, I was not consistent, my parenting skills were weak. My H always knew that, a couple of years back, he even said that I did turn out to be a better mom than he expected; he always thought I had no maternal instinct. I asked him then why he still married me inspite of that knowledge; he said he had enough paternal instinct to cover for my lack of it.

Children need parents willing to be parents. Parenting isn't easy, nor does it make us popular. Your D needs you now. Don't let your H's preconceived ideas of your parenting abilities set your course.

That is what hurts my D the most; the parent she trusted most, the parent she even chose as a 6 year old to stay with when we had to separate for while due to work, is the one letting her down.

Unfortunately, life is full of disappointments and let downs. It's how we learn to handle them that makes the difference. One of the important points to remember/learn is that people don't let us down or disappoint us because we are not worth better, they don't let us down or disappoint us because they seek to hurt us ... the let us down or disappoint us because they too are human and a mixture of our expectations (rational and reasonable ... or not) and their inate lack of perfection set us up for it. Sometimes they're huge disappointments and sometimes they're small ... but they all pass ... with time and healing. Not all children of divorce end up devastated, so there are ways to navigate this difficult time that won't scar them beyond repair forever.

I see myself too as having that inability, just like her I tend to find ways to hurt myself more, not necessarily by giving myself physical pain, sometimes though I do hit myself too or attempt to harm myself but I am more of a coward. I never felt this much pain though in my life before.

Work here ^^^ angel.

I understand that the source of pain could have been other things, and whatever it is, she has to learn how to deal with it.

But isn't it that part of the responsibility of parenting is to help them, educate them on how to deal with pain and suffering they will meet later on in life, while keeping home a safe haven, instead of the source of pain?

Sure, in an ideal world. But ask those children who grow up in abusive, violent, alcoholic or neglectful homes how safe their haven was. The world can be ugly, it ain't fair ... and it's not right. But sometimes we just play the hand we're dealt. THAT was a concept much easier for me to talk about then apply for a long time.

YOu are all right though, that I want to blame H for all of this. I do see my role as well ....my weakness, not only at this point, but from the start.

The truth is that there really is no room for blame here. There are cutters in all kinds of household all over the country, some of them living the supposed two parent white picket fence dream ... she needs tools and skills. Do not villianize your H or yourself here, and do not martyr yourself or your D.

... then roll the letter into one big explanation with all the facts. I did tell him last night a bit about what she is doing, and he was puzzled, and quiet. I have no idea how he is processing it, but I know he is.

angel, you've told him what's going on. Keep him abreast of Dr's appt times. He doesn't need the big explanation. He's a grown man, and if he wants info he'll ask or google it.

(((hugs)))
Peace
PEI