Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

Dear friends,

Thank you.

I am reading up on self cutting. And I am astounded that my D was able to correctly identify why she felt the need to do so - the need to control her own pain - very much a classic textbook case. I will call her therapist, and I will make sure she is not left alone. I learned she did it when we got home from SD last moday, when H was left behind, and I went to the gym. Last night I slept with her. No wonder, she has been sleeping with both H and I lately. all three of us in our bed, like when she was little.

She did not want H to know, but she shared it with me because I too, have feelings about harming myself and she could see it. I know, my D has never really trusted me much, even before, as I have been always the "fun parent" but the weak one. Even before, when everything was OK, I was not consistent, my parenting skills were weak. My H always knew that, a couple of years back, he even said that I did turn out to be a better mom than he expected; he always thought I had no maternal instinct. I asked him then why he still married me inspite of that knowledge; he said he had enough paternal instinct to cover for my lack of it. And truly, he was a fantastic dad and still is in many ways.

That is what hurts my D the most; the parent she trusted most, the parent she even chose as a 6 year old to stay with when we had to separate for while due to work, is the one letting her down.

It is true though, that this is a manifestation of her inability to release her pain. At any age, this could happen. I see myself too as having that inability, just like her I tend to find ways to hurt myself more, not necessarily by giving myself physical pain, sometimes though I do hit myself too or attempt to harm myself but I am more of a coward. I never felt this much pain though in my life before.

I understand that the source of pain could have been other things, and whatever it is, she has to learn how to deal with it.

But isn't it that part of the responsibility of parenting is to help them, educate them on how to deal with pain and suffering they will meet later on in life, while keeping home a safe haven, instead of the source of pain?

YOu are all right though, that I want to blame H for all of this. I do see my role as well ....my weakness, not only at this point, but from the start. But I feel so much resentment, honestly, if I could, there was a point last night that I just wanted to go over to H

I like to write things as usually, whe I start speaking, I might not be able to control and all the manipulative things will start coming out of me. I may talk to therapist first and then roll the letter into one big explanation with all the facts. I did tell him last night a bit about what she is doing, and he was puzzled, and quiet. I have no idea how he is processing it, but I know he is.

This morning H was particularly gentle and attentive to both me and D. He was up early, smiling and sweet and made us breakfast, and served us.

Thank you again, all of you. You have taken the edge of my panic. I will keep posting.