I have been drinking just a bit too much. Last week I have had 2-4 drinks per night. I know it is not healthy, but in fact I do find that it helps me relax, not think about things, enjoy the kids, and focus on the future......
Last night, we went outside for a smoke together (as we do every night after both kids are in bed). Normally this is where we would talk about things, or even the next day... This is really a good time where we just talk. Last night was no talking, like it has been all week. Nothing at all. Very strange....
I am not doing well at going out and doing my own things. Honestly what I want to do for myself and in my free time is to watch a TV show or a movie, or just relax, since work is so busy and stressful. It's not easy where we live, to just go out and do something I want to do. I do go to the gym, and also, one night a week with friends, but that is it. I need to plan more evening things with the kid(s) alone, or do something more for myself. That part of my "getting a life" is falling short. Being in the house with her is just so stifling. She doesn't go anywhere when I'm home. I don't go anywhere, and sine we don't talk much, the whole things just feels claustrophobic.
The most stupid two things triggered negative feelings for me today. First, I needed my wife to use the lint roller on the back of my shirt. She put her hand on my shoulder to hold me still. Silly, but this is the most contact we have had in a week. I liked it and hated it at the same time. Second thing is I was doing laundry and came across a pair of her new sexier underwear. Just kills me that it was one of the things I always told her when she asked me, was sexy underwear. She always refused (or at least didn't do it), only now to have bought a bunch of it. Then there are other things just like this that she knows I liked and wanted but never did, until now, such as growing out her hair, wearing tall boots, and wearing skirts, especially without tights (she always thought she was too old for this in her 30's but now seems to have changed her mind). It's almost like she is throwing in my face that I wanted all of this, now she is doing it for herself, but I can't have any of it.
Enough for now, need to get my head back on straight.
