Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

Help. I don't know what to do.

I just found out today my daughter has cut herself. I have told H about it, but only briefly. So when H was asleep, I had a conversation with my D. Afterwards, I decided to write a letter to H. Please let me know if this is something I should send him. Here it is:

Dear H:

This is the blade your precious daughter used to cut herself.

At 12 years of age, she has to cut herself because it is a pain that she can inflict on herself and control.

She has wanted to do this for sometime, she said, maybe for a couple of months now, and was able to do so on Monday when I went to gym and left her alone.

Because her present life is so full of pain and hurt that she could not control. Inflicted on her by people she loves and trusted. She has lost her trust.

I asked her when this pain and hurt started. She said sometime after summer. I felt my stomach flip, because of the timeline. Was it Daddy? “Yes. You know why. I trusted him more than anyone, more than you, Mom. Then now I can no longer trust him. And you too because I know you are hurting from him as well and it hurts me to see you hurt.”

“Then my friends ….. They are giving me problems as well. Now nothing seems to be going right. I thought I could trust them too, but they hurt me too”

I asked her if her past life was happy, if she always thought this way.

“Before summer I was too young, and did not think this way. My life was not perfect but I remember it as happy. There were a lot of moments of joy. And I am glad that it is that way, but that is past now and I live in the present. And the present is full of pain. I just don’t show it because that is how I am. I go on each day but no one knows what is inside me. I don’t understand myself, but I do not trust anyone and don’t know how I could.”

I told her that we are all human, that we make mistakes but do not mean to hurt. That you and I, we love her so much, and only want the best for her. She understands, knows that we love her, and she loves us too, but that is not the issue.

Boy, am I glad that I talked to you about making sure that the present does not tarnish our past life. If you took away her happy childhood, what will she have left?

Life as she knows it is no longer what it was. She does not know what the future holds. I told her we will never leave her alone, that we will always take care of her, want the best for her. She only nodded.

She talked to me about therapy.

“I don’t like therapy, it is only for people who want to talk. It gives comfort, but it does not remove the pain. “

Distractions, such as shopping?

“They are just that -distractions. Temporary, then the pain is still there when you come back to reality”

If our family returns to normal, will you feel better? “Yes, but life will never go back to the same way it was. Now it will be different. And the trust – it will take time.”

H, your child got yanked from childhood to a sudden, painful adulthood. At a tender age, looking for love and security, she suddenly was faced with turmoil from the parents she leaned on, her source of life and being.

She told me once before “When I had issues when I was little, Dad was the one who saved me. It was not the therapist. But now, Dad is messing me up, and also you”

H, this is what you are doing to the family who loves you so much.

13 years ago, you chose us. When you chose me, you also chose her too, when we decided to have a child. We have always known she was a smart and special child – sensitive, seeking perfection, but intense in her love and need for us.

Now, you are re-evaluating those choices. You are on the verge of choosing to follow your own desires, your freedom. You yourself have said that you want your freedom so you could pursue the other woman, find out for yourself if that relationship will prosper or not. You felt something new, exciting, find yourself wanting to look attractive, wondering if you still have it. You already chose to pursue that feeling, thinking that you might regret it someday if you never pursued it, wondering if the “movie” love was within your grasp. Letting us know, in many words and actions, of “our place in your list”, that we no longer are number 1 for you.

As I have said before, choices have consequences. We teach that to our children, from an early age. Oftentimes, our choices are easy ones. But as we grow older, there are times we are faced with hard ones. Sometimes, our choices mean we have to sacrifice for a better outcome for ourselves or for our loved ones.

This blade you see is only the tip of the iceberg. If at 12 years of age, she can deliberately choose to cut her arm with a blade, give herself a 1 inch wound, and clean it with alcohol and hydrogen peroxide to make it more painful, what more if the pain is relentless? Or too much to bear? Do you want to wait and see more? A bigger blade perhaps?