Not sure what's going on with me lately. It feels as if it's getting harder to deal with my situation as time is going by. I don't know why, but lately I've been breaking down crying after seeing or hearing from H (almost every time and totally unbeknownst to him). I do n't really know what I am crying about. I feel sad. I know that I don't deserve the way I let him treat me over the years but there are parts of me that miss him. And yes, I am grateful that he is really involved with our kids, however, it makes it really difficult for me to always have to see him. And I don't know why it feels like I'm getting worse not better. I was doing so well a few months ago...not so much right now.
I feel really frustrated that nothing is moving in any direction whatsoever. It's been almost 7 months now. My hands are tied, I can't do anything. I can't help this move forward (meaning the divorce) it's in his hands and nothing is happening. I told him a week ago that I just want this done. I don't want to keep living like this. Something has to change and I don't know what to do get there.
We were both at S first baseball game Sat. and he kept coming over to me, joking about stuff, our S, etc...then would walk away and go on the other side of the dugout. It's so weird. So sad. I miss our family but I do NOT miss what I allowed him to put me through the past 4 years. At the game, I was talking to him about a couple of the kids on S team and he goes "how do you know their names already?" Like in a weird accusatory way -maybe b/c the one boy I was talking about is one of the coaches kids (the coach who just so happens to be HOT btw, lol) so I don't know if he thinks...who am I kidding...no one knows what he thinks or why or how, right? lol.
Anyway, just rambling. Not sure what I am feeling or thinking.
