Thank you Sanderika, CW, Rabbit, and Mila, for your encouragement and insights.
I've thought more about the events of friday and I think that X-SIL really helped me to overcome 2 big hurdles that every DB'er faces: (1) demonstrating to the MLCer's family/friends that he and I are friendly and (2) engineering my 1st visit to XH's house (it will be easier for him to have me over now --- I am planning to be complimentary about his house when I see him next). Regarding #1, in our case it must have had a lot of visual impact for the group to see that we could sit almost next to each other at the memorial service and to hear what an important role I had in his mother's life. This gives his friends/co-workers permission to talk to him about me in a positive manner, particularly after I had friendly conversations with many of them. No doubt these people have also heard the blow-by-blows of his unlucky attempts at dating since our D.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
BMF will continue to come between XH and everything worth while in his life for selfish reasons. BMF is jealous of XH.
Sanderika, I am curious why you think that BMF is jealous of XH? I have always thought that BMF was jealous of anyone that threatened to come between him and XH. XH is really BMF's only good friend. I think that if XH had been M'ed or had someone special in his life, BMF wouldn't have been sitting next to XH at the funeral. I think BMF was XH's "date" for his mother's funeral. I didn't see BMF display any emotions at the funeral, even though he is notorious for crying at the drop of a hat (in movies, when he repeatedly begged his X-GF to take him back). Whenever he sees me he normally comes up to me and gives me a great, big fake hug. He didn't do that at the funeral. I initiated a genuine hug to him and he looked taken back a bit.
The financial planner that H/XH and I used invited me to go to church and dinner afterward with him and his W next weekend. This gentleman is a very nice man (M'ed 40 yrs), socializes with XH sometimes, and is a neighbor of XH's business partner (tight-knit neighborhood). I accepted. I will have to be careful not to say TOO much to him and his W but I would like to impress on him that right now XH really needs the friendship of some very mature, caring men. I hope that if XH is surrounded by mature, caring men, their influence will offset that of the narcissistic BMF. I may allude to BMF's unsavory activities without telling this gentleman the specifics.
Sanderika, CW, and Rabbit, good idea about bringing XH food. I essentially did that on friday evening when I visited his sister. I brought over a small frozen casserole (family favorite) that I had prepared for his mother. X-SIL put it in the fridge.
There were 4 big plants/flower arrangements at the memorial service. The one I ordered was quite unique and beautiful with large sprays of orchids. I know XH's taste and I know that he will put it in a prominent place in his home and admire it.
Originally Posted By: courageous wife
The follow up email was very nice and shows he really did need you there and appreciate that you were there!
CW, I think you're right about this. Thanks for pointing this out.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
Once Mr Rabbit had decided for our marriage, and came home, I had strict boundaries about her, but at first it was impossible to get him to stick to them, but the more he wanted me the less he wanted her friendship, and its now been quite a while since I have had to "put my foot down" so to speak..
Rabbit, I always appreciate your insight about the BFF/BMF's negative impact. I have heard several people, who were at the funeral, say negative things about BMF because of his shenanigans, so I imagine he felt uncomfortable around them. I hear what you're saying about letting XH miss me, but I'm wondering if this is the wrong time for that? XH felt abandoned by me, so my biggest 180� when I started DB'ing was to "be there" for him and his family. I think that I have an opportunity now to get closer to XH. There is no serious OW and I will be able to comfort XH in a way that BMF cannot because I am a kind, caring person and because I can reminisce with him about his mother. He can grieve WITH me in a way that he cannot grieve with others. He and I share this bond. I think I am going to email him to suggest that we go out to eat after TT this week. I also think that I'm going to schedule another session with Jody since a lot has happened and I know there is no serious OW. My gut tells me that I need to make a move now with XH. It just needs to be carefully thought out.
A little while ago I got a text from X-SIL (at the airport flying home) saying she'd like to talk to me but she was crying too much to talk. I am curious about whether she actually got to talk to XH about his difficulty communicating?
