Keeping the Faith

[Sanderika]

Hello Kara,

I will be happy to answer your questions. I am in hopes that my story will be of great help to other couples who are facing this most traumatic ordeal.

H claims I BETRAYED him for these reasons, BTW, I admit all of this is true:

As a Wife: When I was depressed, I was of no help to anyone and I was mean. I would be cross and quick with people 24/7. I took out most of my frustrations on H. H did try to help me. I turned him down. I slept a lot. I was sleeping if I was not at work. My family and home life suffered a great deal. I also was unable to satisfy H sexually, I had shut down on me and H and son, I hated everyone and everything. I was not functioning at all. I did not clean my home or do laundry or cook meals or shower. It was a hideous time in my life.

As a Business Partner: I was actually able to function very well on the job and I was a perfectionist. My work was accurate and complete. I manned the office alone everyday with 12 employees. I worked a very long day....most days were 10-14 hours, I went home when my desk/work was completed. I could not be nice though, My tone on the phone was not nice. I was quick with people and when it was H on the phone, I would hang up whether H was finished or not. I do remember having two customers that I butt heads with...one H does not work for any longer and one I am not sure. H's business has never suffered in volume or dollars, so I am not sure what he really means. I think it was how I treated him mostly not the customers. OW wanted in so badly she would have had me knocked off if H had not agreed with her to oust me. That was my career and I am resentful. I put 25 years of sweat equity into that company. I had also turned myself around and was quite well when he did oust me. I had been doing great for 2.5 years. I have been virtually unemployed since. The job market in Maine is very poor.

I draw the line with son.

As the Mother of his child: I was raising son alone for the most part due to H's work schedule and continuous traveling. I did not know until son was 8 that he was an Asperger's Child. I did not understand son. I found parenting very difficult before I understood how son thinks. H blames me for son's difficulties. He is in denial that son has a diagnosed social disorder. I do not accept any blame for son. I have been son's primary supporter and advocate. It has been 6 long years, son is doing really well now. H acknowledges that my changes and therapy for son has done him wonders.

According to one of H's best friends, H is not forgiving me for any of this. He says H refers from time to time that I was mean to him and that I F'd up our son. Pretty Strong, Huh! H is hanging on to pain and hurt he says I caused him.

H does see that I have forgiven him. I have made it perfectly clear in actions and words. In fact I told H that everyday when I get out of bed I say: "I forgive H for what he is going to do today." I am then able to move forward without any real bother towards what H has dished out. I do hurt though, I try and keep it at bay, some days are tougher than others. As long as I had hope I could manage. I have no hope now and I somehow feel different.

I am heading for a place where I don't give a rats a$$ anymore what H thinks or does (he's unknown to me right now). Those words hurt that bad. I am not the person I was 5.5 years ago. I am well, I am now the girl H fell in love with (he admitted this in counseling) he does feel the emotion he felt (BETRAYED) is outweighing anything I do now and genuinely admitted this is still how he feels and probably cannot let go of it. I deserve forgiveness and H is unable to get to this place, I don't have any more time for this.

I used to think H was a loving, reasonable and compassionate man. I do not see that same man. H's tunnel vision make me wonder if he ever loved me and my son. He has certainly proven he can't handle thick and thin, in sickness and in health, yada yada yada.....

Sanderika