Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Hey TAMF,

I honestly don't think she knew the request would show up on the family calendar. It was just a request to his email, which happens to be attached to the family calendar. But either way, he should have nixed that.

As for this week, it has been another up and down week. After a good-ish weekend with his family, he retreated once again in the beginning of the week. Not much, but I can always tell when he's having his anxiety issues. I have to keep telling myself that the anxiety issues are not just about me, but it's hard to not take it personally. And more and more, I just kept going around and around in my head about how much more of this I wanted to deal with. After a year, I'm tired. Tired of dealing with this house by myself. Tired of always being the one to have to drop off and pick up D at school. Never getting to sleep in. Having to do all the yard work. Working a lot and barely having time to get housework done much less get started on triathlon training like I wanted to. I am just tired. Meanwhile, H has little responsibility. He claims he wants to be part of D's life but never ONCE offers to take her to school or pick her up. He only does so when I have to work and can't do it. He sleeps till noon, has no yard to deal etc. I was just getting pissed.

On Wednesday, I had to work all day. He texted me every so often but I barely texted back. I wasn't rude or anything, just tired of the charade. Tired of him being nice and sweet and then running off to his place when he has had enough "family time". As I drove home, he tried to call me. I initially didn't answer. I was totally not in a mood to talk. But I knew he probably had questions about D and dinner, etc, so I gathered my wits and called back. H was pleasant, cheerful, and told me about the dinner he was making and that would be ready when I got home. He told me about some issues at his job that he had and was just overall a pleasant guy. It was hard to stay mad. And then, much to my surprise since I hadn't told him about ANY of my musings, he told me that he wanted to talk to me about him being the one to take D to school in the mornings. That way he's forced to get up and can spend more time with D. Needless to say, my mood improved. Not only did he seem in a good mood but he was offering to take a big load off my shoulders and I never even asked for it.

Dinner went well and he tried to initiate sex again but I, again, reminded him that it was HIM who said it wasn't a good idea. He ended up going back to his place. The next day, I had to work again, and again, he waited for me and we went out for dinner afterwards. Once at home, and once D went to bed, he became very quiet and pensive. I could tell he wanted to talk about something major but was totally anxious about it. I just waited. After a bit, he started talking about how he didn't want me to be his emotional "crutch" and he worried that if he moved back in that would happen. He said he worried that if he worked so hard on becoming an independent individual that he'd eventually not NEED or WANT me at all. At this point, DB or not, I had had it. I told him that if he didn't want to move back in, then he shouldn't. That indicates that he's not ready. But, I added, for me there continued to be a bigger issue. I told him that through this whole endeavor, I have only ever requested one thing from him. That if he truly wanted to work on US, there could be no OW. And that despite this, he continued to be unable to do so. I told him that actions speak louder than words. And that if he is still unable to take that step, that ANY talk about moving in or emotions about it or whatever, is pretty much semantics. Although I've been able to talk to him about most things calmly, I couldn't help but tear up during this. All my emotions about this whole thing starting to be not worth it were coming back to the surface.

In a strange way, I think this conversation detour was very good for him. He discussed the issue with me in a pretty open way. He said that he does still talk to her every so often, but he doesn't think she views him as her boyfriend. He agreed that he hasn't really told her that there is no hope, but that the few times they've discussed it, he's tried to make it seem like that without directly saying it and causing her to become hysterical. I asked him if he could understand my perspective. That his inability to end it completely and entirely, to me, indicates he's not willing to move forward. As ridiculous as it may sound, I don't think he's every really seen it completely like that before, but he agreed. He told me that he would make sure that he ended it then. This actually annoyed me slightly because I told him that I NEVER wanted him to do it for ME. I wanted him to do it because that was what HE felt he needed to do. He said he understood that but insisted it would be coming from him.

Then he became very introspective. He said very directly. I want YOU. I want to be with YOU. I want to move back HERE. I want my family back. I miss talking to you. I miss being with you. He said that while he had been kind of confused and flustered earlier that evening, that the talk helped him organize things in his mind. We DID discuss the fact, though, that he still continues to battle anxiety and depression. He had mentioned earlier that he's be willing to see a marriage counselor. I told him that he'd probably be better off just seeing a counselor himself for now. He agreed that was probably a good idea.

Anyway, to make the long story continually long, he stayed the night and we did break the sex ban. I think both of us felt like we'd crossed some significant relationship hurdles that night and it just felt right. He's stayed at the house pretty much since then. He's gone back to his place to retrieve a few things, but I can see him trying to reincorporate himself into the home. He hasn't moved anything significant back into the house yet, and it'll be interesting to see how long he continues to stay without needing a "breather" at his place. But the last time that I mentioned "his place" to him, he got a funny look in his eyes and said quietly, "THIS is my place".

So I will continue to move on one day at a time. OW has re-unblocked me on FB and I think this time for good. My mother in law posted some pics from our recent visit with them and there was one in particular where both H and I were tagged. I think OW saw it and it probably wrankled her and that's what caused her to unblock me so that she could see any other potential pics that may get posted. I ended up telling H during our discussion that I had been unblocked. He seemed surprised. We'll see how this week goes....