[quote] In DR, Michele does says on page 230-231. When nothing is changing and your at the end of your rope one of the last things you can try is an ultimatium. However you must be prepared to follow through with it.
Micheles example of an ultimatium is very much nicer and the real way to make one.
For any of you new people, reading this, this advice, about the ulitmatium? It's for TAMF, not you, it is specific advice to her situation, not general advice for everyone.
Chit, I let a girlfriend borrow my book and she hasn't given it back to me yet! It has been so long since I read the book, I can't totally remember. I will text my friend and see if I can go pick it up.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
[quote=Jack_Three_Beans Plus I'm so damnn attractive on the boards I don't want to blur any lines... ; )
[/quote]
I couldn't let that one go without a laugh! You crack me up
What are my plans - right now the lawyer is holding the summons, and I am taking one day at a time. H is destroyed, devestated and hating himself more than a person is capable of hating.
Sunday night, the girls and I got home from visiting my grandma in the hospital in IL. she is doing better by the way (tough old bird). H wasn't home when we got back late that night and I hadn't heard from him. about 10:30pm I got a text that said he was with a friend. I asked him if he was with ow, and to please not lie. he said he promised he wasn't.
About 2am, i woke up and he still had not come home. This was a violation of the boundry I had set when he decided to stay living at the house. I told him that, LIKE ME, he had to come home every night so the girls wouldn't become upset thinking/knowing he was staying with OW (even if he wasn't with OW! they still think that is where he is). So I sent him a text that I was clear about staying out all night and that I was not going to put up with this and I was going to call the lawyer in the morning to send the summons.
At 4am he came crawling into my bed was holding me so tight and shaking and so emotional. Telling me that he had been talking to a friend (and his current wife)that he works with that had gone through the same things a few years ago (except he ended up with the OW who had been his wife's bestfriend. They had told him that if they could do it all over again they never would have started the affair and that it had destroyed all of their lives. They are okay now years later, but it is always there - always between them the hurt and pain they inflicted on everyone.
Point is, H was finally able to talk to someone he felt could understand and didn't judge him. Just listened.
We fell asleep. The next morning he had a MAJOR anxiety attack. He was crying, breathing hard, shaking and wouldn't let me go and was talking about ending it all. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do except keep holding him and telling him that I loved him. He kept saying over and over that I was wonderful, no one loves him like I do. He kept looking into my eyes with soooo much pain and asking me, "WHY, WHY, WHY". I told him gently that only he can answer that question.
I went in late to work, wanted to make sure he wasn't really going to do anything to himself. He text me a couple hours later and asked if I could leave work and come back home that it was starting again. I did.
He got better through the night but wouldn't let me go. The girls got home from school and were wondering what in the world was going on...I just smiled and said daddy was having a hard time and I was helping him.
He asked if he could sleep with me last night and I said yes. We held each other all night. I had given him a sleeping pill, so he was pretty peaceful. The anxiety started again this morning, but was controlable. I am still worried about his state of depression. I have never seen him like this in 20 years. even when his dad died.
Right or wrong, OW still in the picture (though how much I totally question because he hasn't left the house) or not, I am going to help him through this. He is my best friend first and foremost.
He knows that I won't have him summond right now while he is having such a difficult time, and he knows my ultimatums (sp?) Totally end relationship with OW, go to counseling, treat me like I deserve.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Telling me that he had been talking to a friend (and his current wife)that he works with that had gone through the same things a few years ago (except he ended up with the OW who had been his wife's bestfriend. They had told him that if they could do it all over again they never would have started the affair and that it had destroyed all of their lives. They are okay now years later, but it is always there - always between them the hurt and pain they inflicted on everyone.
Funny you wrote this because I just listened to a clip yesterday of a man who selling his boat and found out that the potential buyer was a well known marriage counselor, this is the story he told.
" He had an affair 35 yrs ago and divorce his wife and married the other woman, even though he is happy with his affairmarriage he said if he could do it all over he would have worked on his marriage.
His reason being that he has had no relationship with his kids that he left behind, he lost everything, them, their respect and friends, because the ripple affect.
The "trade off" was not worth it 35 yrs of not seeing or having a relationship with his kids is really sad.
MaMaMo - thank you for sharing the story. So sad isn't it?
Update: H is withdrawing again...it's okay. I think he is just taking this time to be reflective. But I always get paranoid that when he withdraws it is because of her. Who knows. I have promised myself that I am here for him to help him get through this hard time. I am his friend. I will know if and when it is time to have him summoned.
I don't know why his constant mood changes surprise me anymore. Up and down, up and down.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Anxiety attacks are certainly something I know a lot about. My H has had them for a year now. IMHO, you are allowing yourself to get too sucked into his drama. Be honest with yourself. You thrive on being there for him. On being needed. And he knows this. And is using it to his advantage. It's keeping you around even though he's not changing anything yet in regards to OW. I'm not saying you need to abandon him or NOT be there for him. But as you know, he has to get through this on his own. You cannot help him through. You cannot be his crutch. Talk of suicide and ending it all is patented MLC. I heard it from my H numerous times. Don't get sucked in again. You are restarting a very familiar pattern. You move on, he freaks out, he gives you lots of loving talk and indicates how much he needs you, this "completes" you and you thrive on the attention and purpose, you show love and attention back, he gets better and moves on with life with OW. Stop the cycle. "Being the lighthouse" does not mean running out of the lighthouse and jumping in the turbulent waters with him.
Love ya
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I agree with Alb. In AA, they call it 'being an enabler'. You are truly trying to do the best you know how, but being sucked into making it that much easier for him.
Protect YOURSELF. Do what is good for YOU. That may mean putting distance and silence between you and H, but it could be good for not only you, but him as well.
update: I didn't do a very good job taking care of myself lately. I got a horrible kidney infection that spread through my body and it took 3 days in the hospital to get me better. So much stress, i think it has made my immune system very weak.
I think the stress and the sickness has made my brain and emotions weak too...
because this weekend was completely humiliating. I finally lost it with the OW. I drove past the bar that she works at, my H was there. I just somehow got into this blind rage, went into the bar and started screaming and yelling at her. Got in her face crying and SCREAMING that she had ruined my life and that I hated her and that she was a whore. She smiled. That's right, she smiled at me and said nothing. I went balistic when she did that and my H had to physically pick me up and pull me out of the bar. It all happened so fast.
For all of you out there that have had DREAMS and FANTASYs about going off on the OP...it feels good for all of 2 seconds. Then the humiliation kicks in. I am mortified, yet I do feel better that she saw my pain. not once in all this time has ANYONE said anything to her. She has gotten off scott clean with this affair. Now she knows. And so does about 8 other people that were in the bar at the time.
STUPID STUPID STUPID
But I am only human, and I will fail every once in a while. This is what happens when I get roped back in to H's MLC. He doesn't promise me anything and yet I can't help but feel hopeful and expectations set in. I know this, yet I kept telling myself it was okay because I was his friend. I was helping him. nothing more. BS!
Needless to say, my little outburst did it and we both agreed we shouldn't be together. I had the lawyer send the summons today. This is it and I am sure it is the right thing. I can't physically or emotionally take any more. I am turning into a person that I don't recognize.
I will be okay. A calmness has come over me now. I just need to get back mentally to where I was in January and February. Done with the madness. Focused on my future and my girls. I wasn't letting his actions affect my emotions.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Don't beat yourself up about it. You have been incredibly strong, what with your H having so much meltdowns and anxiety attacks, coming to you for comfort and support, then leaving again
I fantasize doing that to OW especially with what is happening to my D.
But again, what will it accomplish?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
TAMF I think a lot of times when any of us do something we later regret that seems out of control or stupid, it actually jettisons us into a new direction. For me it was looking at the year's worth of my XH's facebook posts and pics. That shellshocked me into really committing to removing him from my future and getting on with my life without him. This "screwup" as you're basically calling it isn't one if you put it to good use, and I think you already are doing so. It seems to have set you on a positive path to grow out of the patterns you see yourself falling back into, so for that reason alone, in the end, it isn't stupid, but necessary. It's only stupid if you keep repeating this sort of blow up, and you know that you will not.
Glad to hear you are turning the outburst into a push to set yourself right.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
It has been so long since I read the book, I can't totally remember. I will text my friend and see if I can go pick it up.
