Had our second family outing yesterday where we took the kids to a place about 2hrs away. Had great time and on the way home, after the kids fall asleep, we start into the R talk.
I ask her if she has given any thought to me coming home. She says yes that she has but is scared to take that step. She said that she is aware that we cannot go on like this forever but that she is liking her independence that she obtained since I have been gone. She said that she feels like I am pressuring her to make this decision cause I want to be out of my moms house. I responded that I want to come home because I miss her and the kids and want my family back.
We talked about D, and she said that she stopped thinking that for the last month and believed that her actions should have told me the same. She mentioned that we could talk till we are blue in the face about the future but that's gets us nowhere. She wants to see actions.
She said that our lives together and our M, deserve on more chance but that she knows if it doesn't work out this time she will be 100 percent done. Said that this time around it could be easier on kids. I said that the only way we will be able to do this is if we work on this together on every topic. She agreed.
We got home and I came in and after a few minuets I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said no. We cleaned up the house a little and played with the kids and then got kids ready for bed and after we put then to bed she said that she was going to watch tv and that I could join her. During the time we played with kids, W and I would mention things about when I would come back. Stuff like, you can't take over the bathroom anymore like you used to, we would have come up with game plan on how to discipline kids, etc... This was all done very playfully by both of us.
We watched Greys Anatomy while sitting on couch next to each other. Kids got out of bed a few times through out the show and we laughed a few times and put them back to bed. After show is over she turns on Private Practice and she then lays on couch with me behind her. We watch show for little while and things move on from there.
I have no intentions of going into to much detail be feel that I need to mention a few things. I am changing some of the wording because I don't want to offended anybody and it is personal. At one time she makes the comment that she has been in "The Mood" since our family day two days ago. She says that she wants me "Really Bad" and afterwards tells me that she wants me to stay the night but is worried how kids would handle it in morning. I tell her that I don't and will not mess with kids heads and will only spend the night when it will be every night.
So after all that why do I feel horrible. I know my W, the only time we would have relations before was when things were good with us and the family. Family outings that went great always put her in the mood but I am kicking myself today for not walking away. I want to be back home so bad and last night was the first time in almost three months that I felt like our family was back together. It felt like old times, it felt normal.
Afterwards it felt bad. Like I was being used, like she gets all the benefits of M but none of the hard stuff yet. I want to sit down and talk to her about how we are going to fix this, what our plan is but as she is said, talk is cheap. For the last 3 months all I have been thinking about is my W stopping the D, spending time with her and the kids, and being with her and I have done all three of those things and I feel like crap today.
I want to go home so bad but don't know how much longer I go on. I am sure most of you will not have to much pity on me but I am struggling at this moment.
After the events of Friday night, the W and kids did their thing and I did mine on Saturday. I did go over to the house after the kids went to bed and the W and I watched a movie and I helped her with her side business. No R talk just time.
The next morning I obtained a goal that I have been trying to meet for several weeks now. I went to church with the family. Afterwards we ran some errands as a family and went back to the house. After lunch W and I sat down and discussed the Yahoo article about saving your marriage. The talk had its ups and downs but it gave us both an idea on what the other was thinking. After the talk we clean out the master bedroom closet and she takes her clothes out of the dresser that used to occupy all of my clothes. I make dinner and put kids to bed and W and I watch tv until time for me to leave. Before I leave we talk about me spending more time around the house.
Monday after work I pick up oldest from school and for the first time since I left I take her home and watch her until W gets there instead of me taking her to my moms. While I'm cooking dinner I get a cal from W asking me if I was home yet. I said I was and after asking why she said she wanted to try and catch me before I get home to see if I would run by fabric store to get her something she needed. I told her I would take daughter out and go to store. We went and I had dinner ready when they got home.
She seemed hesitant to ask me to do this favor but seemed happy that I did it. After dinner, whole family went to a school skating party and had a great time. Went home put kids to bed and W and I started to watch BB. Talked turned to R and it went south. We were not yelling our arguing at all but old memories where brought up in our minds and it caused W to close up a bit. She said that she hadn't thought about the details of how bad things were and it made her feel like she wasn't as over it as she thought she was. She also said that she had reservations about asking me for a favor cause of the last few years I would do the favor but with attitude. She also said half of her wants to tell me to come home and the other half is scared cause she doesn't want things to go back to the way they were. We ended the talk with her saying she was done talking and me excusing myself for the night.
I tried to validate during the convo by saying that in the past I did not see how my actions were hurting her and that by identifying what we went threw it gives me a better understanding and helps to not make same mistakes. I also said that I hope to be able to earn back her trust and I hear what she says about being scared to ask me to come home.
The next morning I got a call from W asking me how I was doing. I told her that I did not want to upset her with the past but feel we need to address it or it will always be right below the surface waiting to explode. She agrees and says she felt bad all last night about the thought that she made me feel bad. I asked her if she would like for me to see if I could make an appointment with a MC to try and work through the past. She said yes and we have our first session Monday.
After work yesterday I picked daughter up again from school and took her to house until dance. Met up with rest of family at dance and W and I had very playful and good us time watching dance. Went to our dinner night afterward and had a perfect dual parenting moment with middle child. She got out of hand, I talked to her, child questioned me, W immediately chimed in to listen to me, child questioned W, I chimed in to listen to W and problem was resolved. It was textbook and was one of biggest problems in past. Was good day.
This morning I got call from W asking if I would go by house and grab something she forgot there and son needed at day care. No reservation in her voice this time, just a W asking a H for a favor. I happily accepted and a little while got a text thanking me for doing it.
So tonight we are pulling back, W will get all of kids and do their thing and W and I will discuss how we will handle this weekend. It is my weekend with kids and I will do things as planned but hope to have some sort of compromise with them at my moms and with them at my house. I feel like we are on right path and hope each time together the W will little by little feel less scared about asking me to come home. She did tell me that she told her mom that we are going to try and work things out and mentioned in conversation that she told the counselor at my kids school the same.
I'm very happy about the MC. I know it's been something that you've been thinking about for a while. You brought it up at a good time and your W was receptive.
This is a good step, IMO. I think you are good great, really, Keep up the good work.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Today was a hard day to get through. Haven't felt like this for some time now. The W called me yesterday on her way to get kids and wanted to know what ideas I had for how to handle this weekend when I have kids. I told her that I would bring them to my mom's house but wanted to watch them at the House during the day on Saturday/Sunday while W had a day to herself. She said that Sunday would be fine like that after we go to church but that she had plans Saturday night and needs a break from me for a bit.
We talked last Sunday about doing stuff together to try and ease my way back into the house and ended up spending 6 out of 7 days together either as a family or just each other. She said last night that even thou the time has been very positive she just feels like it was a lot at once and she needs some time. That hurt to hear. The time we have spent together have been amazing for me and hearing that knocked me down a few pegs.
Her plans on Saturday night is that she is going to a 80's dance with her whole family. I absolutely love 80's music and would give my right arm to be there with them but she made it very clear to me in her tone that I am not welcome.
By giving her the break it has put me in a funk that I am having difficulty getting out of today. I made a list of the positive/negative aspects to my sitch and the positives out numbered the negatives. That is good. I have kids tomorrow night and then Saturday night and then Sunday we pick up W for church and afterward she is helping out at church while I take kids back to the HOUSE and watch them there. Monday we have our first MC appointment.
Had first MC session today. Mainly a Why we here , What we want, Background info session. We both agreed that we liked counselor and have second appointment in one week.
Took the counselor only a few minuets of talking to the W to say that she is getting mixed messages about what the W wants. Welcome to my world.
Highlights:
W said that she has noticed my changes and that the reason she has decided to see what this could lead to is because I have never tried or accomplished this much to make myself better. BUT...that even thou W likes the changes, they piss her off and annoy her cause its not the real me, why didn't I do it before and is it an act.
W said I am pressuring her to make a decision on when I can come home and I have been. She said that when we are together she feels like the right move is me back but then talks herself out of it by remembering all the negative stuff I did. She still has wall up. I was told by counselor not to talk about R or coming home all week and not to pursue W. So I won't.
Counselor asked that we sit down and talk about positive stuff from our M and W said that she has hard time doing that cause she can't think of any happy times over nine years. Counselor says we will try that in office next week. I am getting real tired of hearing that from W.
W said that she is only at counseling because of family. Mom Dad and kids in same house. Of course over the last few weeks she has initiated love making, told me she loves me, sent me articles about saving your M, talked about me coming home, felt comfortable with me in house with kids and not her. So who knows. Last main point is when asked how things are now, W stock answer is "Great, I love my time with the kids and when I don't have them I love my freedom. I get to what I want and I don't feel bad about it." This is what burns me up inside. We ran late so I couldn't express my view but will be bringing it up next week. My W had no strings attached by me to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted and could spend any money on anything and I never said a negative word about it. She said she felt bad thou cfor leaving the kids at night and stuff but doesn't now cause their with me. That is down right selfishness. Do you want a family or freedom cause right now I don't feel like waiting around for you to get all of the fun out of your system. I know that the negative attitude is not healthy but I can't help it right now.
So what next? I've gone this far, no reason to quit now. Am going to see how a few more counseling sessions go and if any positive steps come out of them. There are a few dates coming for me to take a temp on where we are in the R without talking to her about it. My niece (my goddaughter) has a B-day party the day before easter. When I dropped off W back at work today her boss (niece's mom) had given W the invite. Of course it was addressed to all of us but I have no belief that W will go. If she does it will be first family event that she attended since bomb. Second one is easter the next day. W knows that I want to do that as a family (her/my in-laws included) so we will see.
I have done what the MC has said and have not brought up R or coming back home talks when I have been around the W. No phone calls, no pressure.
I have seen positive changes in myself over the last few days. My maturity as a father has taken a lead in my actions when I am with the kids. I had my dance/dinner with the family last night and had an incident with oldest daughter. Long story short, she got extremely upset and threw a huge fit, the likes I have never scene from this child. Old Hank would have lost all control with his anger and whatever embarrassment that daughter caused would have been double by me. Not now, I didn't care what the other parents thought of me, I talked and talked and talked until I calmed her down and all was forgotten. Before the night would have ruined, yesterday was but a blip on the screen of a great night.
Unfortunately the negatives still control my thoughts. The constant thinking of the unknown future still has a stranglehold on my day to day actions. My thoughts go from one minuet that W and I will work on things to that W is just using me and will not make a decision until I force her hand. Example:
The first dance/dinner after I moved out I followed family home and waved night to kids in driveway. W told me following week that this really riled up the kids and made her job difficult and asked that I do not do it again. Kids continue to ask each week if I can do it and I have told them that I can't. Was asked again last night and told them no, but W chimed in and said that it was ok and I could help put kids to bed. So I was thinking great, more family time. We leave the restaurant and heading to cars and W asked if it would ok to swing by Kohls cause she has 2 coupons that expire that night and needs 2 people to use them. I say that it is fine and we go for about twenty minuets and then head home and I can think is that the only reason she said I could follow and wave and assist in putting to bed was cause she need my help at the store. She just used me.
She tells counselor that she doesn't know what she wants but kisses my good bye every time we part. She says that I am pressuring her but ask me to go to picture taking with her and kids this weekend. she has no problems with me watching kids at the house when she isn't there but still refers to it as her house. She said yesterday that this weekend is HER time with the kids but asked me to go with them on saturday, asked me to watch kids at the house saturday night. Going to church as family on sunday and after that going to birthday party for friends with family. It is so confusing!!!
My family and friends say that I am being to easy on her and that she needs tough love for her to make up her mind. This board says be patient. I change from hour to hour on how I need to do things. I will end with this, at MC she said that she really doesn't miss ME but when we are together as family or couple I have great time and I see nothing but smile and hear jokes and get kisses from her. So what do I do? Do I pull back and break off contact with her so she can miss me or do I take the opportunities to spend time and break her wall down one good event at a time?
I can definitely see how you are confused. You are getting a lot of mixed messages. But it does sound like some good baby steps, even better than baby steps. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Hopefully things will improve even more with a few more MC sessions.
W had kids last night and when I called to tell them goodnight the middle child answered the phone crying. Apparently she bumped her head and she asked if I could come over. My W has said that I smother her at times and I am supposed to back off per the MC so I told child that I couldn't do it. She got more upset and after I calmed her down I got off the phone. She called back a little later saying she talked to W and it is ok if I come by.
When I got there they were just getting in bed and W was in a very mean mood. She wasn't talking or looking at me. Did not seem happy that I came by. I helped put kids to bed and then went to leave. W followed me to door and I asked about her mood. She was still mad and said she was having hard night with kids and she was is in bad mood. I apologized if my presence riled up the kids more and left.
About an hour later she called and apologized for her attitude towards me. She said the night was rough but it wasn't fair to take it out on me. She said she wasn't upset that I came by. I told her that it meant a lot to me that she called to tell me that.
