Sanderika - I am not peaceful all the time!! I know I have said this before but I found the book - The Journey from Abandonment to Healing - a hugely helpful thing to read. [Also loved 'Eat, love pray' although liked the last bit the least.]
It is actually fun being a single lady. I look at myself each day, and realise I have respect and liking for who I am. I can truthfully say that I almost certainly would not have my h back now. But even 6 months ago I would not have said that.
You are still very much in love with your h, and he knows it. My xh told me that my love for him had irretrievably damaged his chances of a long term relationship with OW [incredible how it is all our fault!] He is still involved with her to some extent, I believe, although I have no contact of any kind with him.
Actually saying goodbye and closing the door is OK. Very painful, but necessary in some cases. It was in mine because I could not move forward into being the person I need to become, while I was hoping for a reconciliation.
It is very very hard, no question. Be gentle with yourself, and don't 'force' it. Your h is confused and damged, making poor choices, and only he can fix himself. Any pressure probably makes things worse. He wants the pain to stop, and it won't until he sorts himself out, but that takes real effort and commitment.
I do know a number of people who have pieced their marriages back. Privately some of them tell me it was very hard, and at times they questioned if it was really worth the effort. They are damged goods if they ever decide to return. And you may feel you deserve better. But it is entirely your decision, and I would support anyone in any decision that they took sincerely and believed it to be right.
