Had our second family outing yesterday where we took the kids to a place about 2hrs away. Had great time and on the way home, after the kids fall asleep, we start into the R talk.
I ask her if she has given any thought to me coming home. She says yes that she has but is scared to take that step. She said that she is aware that we cannot go on like this forever but that she is liking her independence that she obtained since I have been gone. She said that she feels like I am pressuring her to make this decision cause I want to be out of my moms house. I responded that I want to come home because I miss her and the kids and want my family back.
We talked about D, and she said that she stopped thinking that for the last month and believed that her actions should have told me the same. She mentioned that we could talk till we are blue in the face about the future but that's gets us nowhere. She wants to see actions.
She said that our lives together and our M, deserve on more chance but that she knows if it doesn't work out this time she will be 100 percent done. Said that this time around it could be easier on kids. I said that the only way we will be able to do this is if we work on this together on every topic. She agreed.
We got home and I came in and after a few minuets I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said no. We cleaned up the house a little and played with the kids and then got kids ready for bed and after we put then to bed she said that she was going to watch tv and that I could join her. During the time we played with kids, W and I would mention things about when I would come back. Stuff like, you can't take over the bathroom anymore like you used to, we would have come up with game plan on how to discipline kids, etc... This was all done very playfully by both of us.
We watched Greys Anatomy while sitting on couch next to each other. Kids got out of bed a few times through out the show and we laughed a few times and put them back to bed. After show is over she turns on Private Practice and she then lays on couch with me behind her. We watch show for little while and things move on from there.
I have no intentions of going into to much detail be feel that I need to mention a few things. I am changing some of the wording because I don't want to offended anybody and it is personal. At one time she makes the comment that she has been in "The Mood" since our family day two days ago. She says that she wants me "Really Bad" and afterwards tells me that she wants me to stay the night but is worried how kids would handle it in morning. I tell her that I don't and will not mess with kids heads and will only spend the night when it will be every night.
So after all that why do I feel horrible. I know my W, the only time we would have relations before was when things were good with us and the family. Family outings that went great always put her in the mood but I am kicking myself today for not walking away. I want to be back home so bad and last night was the first time in almost three months that I felt like our family was back together. It felt like old times, it felt normal.
Afterwards it felt bad. Like I was being used, like she gets all the benefits of M but none of the hard stuff yet. I want to sit down and talk to her about how we are going to fix this, what our plan is but as she is said, talk is cheap. For the last 3 months all I have been thinking about is my W stopping the D, spending time with her and the kids, and being with her and I have done all three of those things and I feel like crap today.
I want to go home so bad but don't know how much longer I go on. I am sure most of you will not have to much pity on me but I am struggling at this moment.
