Keeping the Faith

[Sanderika]

Hello all....

For anyone reading this, I thank you for all your support.

Yesterday at Couples Counseling I had the most difficult time, I cried through most of it. I came home physically exhausted. I came home without any hope. I came home absolutely ill.

Our appointment was at 11:00am (a two hour session), even with the snowstorm we were on time. H had expressed interest in court to try this as a possible solution to resolving our problems. It was apparent from the moment we arrived, H turned cold and disconnected.

Upon our arrival we were greeted by the cutest little chocolate Cocker Spaniel I have ever seen. He was a lovely little dog with excellent manners. His master (Dr. R), we were about to speak raw and frankly with, appeared several minutes later. Dr. R is a warm, soft spoken and kind man. You could see his passion for his profession and he was very direct and he didn't mince words.

I had chosen a male therapist I found in our area. I found a man who is pro-marriage and solution oriented. He has almost 40 years as a couples counselor, is married, a Dad and a Grand-Dad.

H appeared initially annoyed by the sight of the little dog. He grew increasingly uncomfortable by the soft-spoken manner of Dr. R.

First, we were asked what he could do for us and what did we want to gain.

I said I wanted to reconcile our marriage. My commitment to stand for my marriage has been unwaivered now for over 5 years and that it was so very important to me for the three of us.

H asked if he could either help us figure out how to reconcile the marriage OR figure out how to end it. I think H wanted more help with how to end it.

I was asked to speak first about "us". I recounted all of the previous history as honestly as possible going back at least 8 years. I dredged up my role as a wife, mother, business partner and daughter. I cried the whole way through....

When I finished Dr. R asked H is version. H agreed with the exceptions of the timetable and his version of why and when he left the marriage.

H said the two years I claimed I was depressed was more like 6 years. H said he had divorced me long before he left home. H went on to say he felt completely right in pursuing his current OW in a relationship as he considered himself divorced. He felt he is cheating on OW by being with me. Said OW is like his wife and I am his mistress. He went on to say he hates all of it.

H went on to say that he knew years before he left that he was going to leave. H said he waited until OW came into the picture to do so. H went further by telling Dr. R that I, in my depressed state, BETRAYED him as a wife, mother of his child and his business partner. As I listened to this I became very disturbed emotionally. Dr. Ron was especially troubled by his use of the word...BETRAYED. He told H that that was a very harsh and hurtful word to use. H said it was true.

It became painfully clear to me that I do not know this man. It became painfully clear to me that I cannot have any hope to reconcile this marriage due to the inability of H to have any compassion or forgiveness towards me. H is steadfast in his ideas that I BETRAYED him. As you can all imagine, I do not see H's point of view.

After this we tried a little exercise that would bring about honesty in words we would speak to each other. We were told to close our eyes for several minutes and clear our minds of any thoughts that did not pertain to the current (our being in a counseling session and each other). Then we opened our eyes and were told to look into each others (we were sitting face to face as close as we could sit to each other) we looked into each other eyes while Dr. R told us to look into the others eyes and look for emotions. After several minutes of that, we each took as turn asking the other to "Tell Me The Truth". I let H go first, the only words H could tell me after repeated requests was "You are so beautiful". I went second and H kept asking me the same question. I was able to tearfully tell H all of my thoughts and feelings that have been bottled up in my heart for years now. I went further to tell H what I saw in his eyes (kindness, love, a smile and tears of pain). H was unmoved. I was moved beyond words.

Needless to say, Dr. R came to a pretty blunt conclusion. He told H he has 4 options:

1) Keep doing what he was doing. Live in a state where he keeps us both and continues to struggle and juggle the OW relationship and the marriage. He warned H that this was like having one foot on the dock and one in the rowboat, H was going to end up in the water!!!

2) Leave the marriage and fully commit to the relationship H has created with the OW. Means he will end up grieving his marriage and loss of his family. Means hurting me and son. Means having no contact with me, except for matters of son. Means risking he damage his relationship with son possibly permanently. Means compromising his values and ideals of marriage (H had already expressed he had hopes that his marriage would last his lifetime as was common in his family). Means a divorce and division of all he holds dear.

3) Leave the relationship he has created with OW to reconnect to the marriage, his wife and family. Means he is going to grieve the OW. Means he is going to hurt her. Means he will not be able to have any contact whatsoever with her ever again. He told him this would be difficult but was doable if H was committed.

4) Leave us both. Live alone. Have zero contact with her ever again and have minimal contact with me only in regards to matters involving son. This way he could learn to appreciate himself and reconnect to himself and his values and morals. Starting fresh would enable H a chance to rebuild a healthier lifestyle one hopefully with emotional stability and healing for H.

H then asked the same question he started out with. AND...

Dr. R said he could help us rebuild the marriage ONLY if OW was not in the picture. H would have to make that choice on his own without any help. He would be happy to help us then, until then it was hopeless and unrealistic to try.

He said he could help us to divorce amicably and help us learn to co-parent our son.

Dr R had summed us up inside of the two hours and then he spoke to me....

Dr. R told me that I needed to accept my current reality and gracefully let H go. He told me that the marriage was unrepairable as long as H was involved in a relationship with OW and more so because H felt married to the OW and completely detached from me and his family. He told me that I am beautiful and compassionate and loving and filled with remorse and forgiveness and that I needed to stop blaming myself for all the problems. He asked me to let go and allow myself to forgive "ME". He said I have grieved the loss of my marriage long enough. He reminded to think on the old Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler".

ON THE WAY HOME....H and I stopped for lunch. We chatted nicely about this and that. He has decided to think on all that was said at Dr. R's for the weekend. He said he would be in touch with me.

Today he is with son....that is good, I guess. I am alone. I am hurting and sad and in physical pain.

Sanderika