Take The Long Way Home...

[FellOnBlackDays]

Part 2

BITS, I now this is all out of order. But, I just couldn't bring myself to post the details earlier. Well, if you have been keeping up, you will know that yesterday was a big day for me. I arranged some time with my DB coach, my MC and some family. This was quite a task while also working for the day.

First, I met with my DB coach. She was very sweet, very helpful and well worth every dime I paid to speak to her. I can't stress that enough. But, she does agree that what I have been doing is not working. I informed her of my w's behavior, what I was feeling and what my A stated during our visit. Much to my surprise, she informed me that it sounded like my W may be going through an MLC. I never thought of it that way, honestly. None the less, my coach agreed that I should file. She stated that it was time to show my w some unconditional love and be true to my DBing principles. The time to shine had come.

I then met with my MC. He too agreed. He actually applauded my plan. He gave me many reasons why it is a good idea. He voted for the D.

I then met with some family. I informed them of what my coach, my MC and my A stated. They all agreed that it might be best to follow the advice given.

So, the vote was unanimous. To be honest, I was surprised and devastated. But, it is very hard to argue with these individuals who I look to for my foundation and support. All parties involved had the same key sentiment that they expressed to me: My w is very angry at me and is, for whatever reason, looking to punish me. It is time to stop worrying about the marriage or love and protect myself from her. I never thought I would find a day where I had to protect myself from the woman I have loved dearly for 15 years.

And she is very angry. My w was always, always a very caring person. She would cry at commercials and sappy TV shows. She always would get on me for being negative or uncaring. She would always be the first to put a friend or family first. In 15 years, I never really saw her ever try to get revenge on anyone who had ever wronged her. And, some of her friends really did screw her over at times. The look on her face on Tuesday night was completely foreign to me. I have NEVER seen her like this, EVER! She is angry and looking to hurt at each and every chance. I am amazed and astounded at who she has become. I can't even describe it to you because words wouldn't do it justice. She literally hates me. No matter how nice she is, the anger is always right under the surface. There is a paper-thin boundary between her being calm and he attempts to crush me. I don't know what to say.
She is either using the anger to fuel her departure or protect herself from any thoughts of the love we once had. Either way, I can't defeat this. No DBing in the world can beat this, I promise.

So, this is how it will end. I contacted my A yesterday to tell him to start the paperwork. I will meet with her tomorrow to inform her that I will pay for the A (I believe she is living from check to check and that is why she wants to use the Internet). If I pay for the A, I get to pick the A. I also get to protect myself from this monster that my W has become.

I am scared. I do realize that once she has what she wants, she is gone. I am almost certain there is an OM and that is what she is racing to at full speed. So be it. I just don't think I have the stomach for this any longer. When we see each other and she is mean to me, it cuts like a knife. I hurt in ways I never imagined I could. I can't face this any longer. My MC is very concerned about me. He stated this yesterday:

"(name), I think you need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Over the past six months, I have watched you transform into the person you told me you wanted to be when you first came into my office. I am so proud of you. You are one of my star patients. But, when you speak of her, you still shake, you still cry and you still doubt yourself. At no other point during our visits do you crumble like you do when you speak of her. I want you to get away from her. I want you to get away from this person who you are going to let destroy you. She is going to steal your soul if you don't save yourself."

I was floored. So, this is it. Apparently, it is me or my marriage. I have to pick me. I love her still. And even though I refer to her as a monster, I know she is in there somewhere. But, she either won't let the true person come out or that person can't. Either way, this sitch is creeping ever closer to a bad finale.

I wish I could say I am ready for this, but I am not. I have cried pretty much non-stop for a day. But, I don't know what else to do. All good things must come to an end. They must. She has decided she is done and there is nothing I can do about this but start my life over. I will miss her, but she does not miss me and I cannot change that. My heart breaks with each breath.

I love you, BITS. Each and every one of you. I wish we each of you the very best life has to offer. I want to thank you for your support. I have no way of ever paying any of you back for what you have done. Heck, I don't even know your real names. But, I will go out each day and do my best to "pay it forward" in the hopes that some of my good will reach each and every one of you. You are all great people and don't deserve what is happening. May you all each lead happy and fruitful lives.

Your friend, your buddy, your captain,

FOBD