I've been off the boards for a while, heck I've been off of everything for a while. I have been giving all my attention to GOD and PRAYING! So, Its been a rough 7 weeks for sure. H started a new FB page and blocked me from it on his B-day in Feb. Then, saw on my BIL FB that he was down in Houston at the Rodeo. The week that he cancelled our Dinner again with a lie about working. H was living w/Grandparents. Then he moved to an apartment last weekend. He didnt tell me and still hasnt. H bought a new truck too. (finally told me that one)
But he finally met me for Dinner a week and half ago. He did most of the talking. He said, he still wasnt rushing out to get a Divorce but, he didnt want to give me false hope. There was no way he would come home. He mentioned we could maybe try and spend a bit of time here and there. But, later during the dinner his tune changed. Said, stuff like.."Maybe we just bring out the worst in each other?" That one hurt!!! Talked about his loss of independence and such. Which is just silly because, he has been gone for along time and etc. I did really well. I didnt beg or plead. I didnt ask him to come home. I didnt say please give me/us a chance. Though, my entire soul wants this. I guess it went okay. I was peaceful to a point.
Anyways, he did let me have the DOG for awhile. I suppose Ill hear from him soon so he can take her back. I am also moving in a few weeks. Just up the street. I shared this with him at Dinner. He didnt seem that interested in the location or even ask for the address. Of course, he had the shot to tell me about his move and didnt. That Hurt too!
But, here is the deal. I'm not gonna give up and will never stop praying and having faith that GOD will restore my Marriage. I ask him to change ME first and teach me how to be a GODly wife. This Man is not the Husband I know. I remind myself that I onced had the privilage of knowing his heart. I recall it clearly. This is not him. I know its still there under all his own pain and guilt. I dont care if people think Im a fool, a doormat, crazy or etc. I love him and nothing is going to change that. I took a vow and I meant it! I wear my Wedding Rings everyday and I conduct myself as his Wife. I dont care that some tell me to file for Divorce and move on, that he has. I wont let it bother me that he doesnt wear his rings. He have me his name and those rings with all the love in his heart 19 years ago...I wont forget that.
GOD is leading my way and my path. I could fill a book with all the signs and things that have happened to me in the last 90 days that show me GOD is at work. Its pretty amazing. But, I have had to learn that I have to silence the self talk to hear him and listen! I cant see what is happening on the other side of the mountain. But, I know that GOD will move it for me and that he is at work. I PRAY for my H everyday sometimes several times. He never leaves my thoughts it seems. I pray for my fellow BITS!!! I know some of you dont believe in GOD and etc. But, I want you to know that it doesnt matter...I love each one of my brothers and sisters here and I understand. Because, I have been there! So, I'm gonna keep praying for us all!
I don't know of DBing has helped a 100%. I think it did some. But, I also know me going DARK made things a bit worse too. So, it's a balance. What I do know is this....
It put me with my BITS and I'm grateful for that...I believe that GOD puts folks in our path for a purpose! My hopes are that as I get stronger that I can help you all up the way you did me. I'm getting there.
Finally, I want to tell you that though I'm off the boards and etc for awhile. Im still checking in and keeping up with all that is going on and always always praying and sending you love! So, my BITS and DB's out there....PLEASE DONT GIVE UP!!! DONT GIVE IN TO THE ANGER AND HURT! DONT LOOSE YOURSELF TO IT!!! DONT FORGET HOW IT FELT TO LOVE AND BE LOVED! DONT GIVE UP THE FIGHT EVER!!!!! GOD & I got your backs always!!!
God Bless Yall & Lots of LOVE!
Dixie _______________ BITS
Me: 40 H: 39 M: 17 yrs - Together 18 1/2yrs No kids Seperated: May 18, 2006 EA/Poss PA with OW for 6 months prior to leaving. 2nd Bomb dropped: Dec. 23, 2010
