How much longer in Separated?

[jon2911]

W is on her way back. This will be a bit of stream-of-consciousness writing. Just need to get it out. I'm hitting a show tonight, then breakfast in the morning with a good friend, and fixing my truck with another good friend after that.

I decided to Act As If today, and it went well. Both mornings she came and joined me in bed. No ML or anything, but it was nice. We watched a show this morning, then she gave me a facial. Man, that hurts! I could never be a girl.

We had a good visit to Sam's. Ended up with way more groceries and things than we'd planned on. Her Debit card was declined, so she gave them a check. She'd already mentioned to me that the check she gave the doctor the day before would bounce.

We picked up her last couple prescriptions and she paid with what looked like her last cash. I asked if she had gas to make it home. She started crying and said no.

Back at the house she helped me put everything away and get organized. She's so amazing at that stuff, and taking care of people. It's like second nature.

I could tell she didn't want to leave. Gave her her Christmas present and she really liked it. We sat and talked for a few hours. She's hired a lawyer, which is one reason she's so broke. I asked her why she did that, that we figured it out just fine last time. She can't remember that. Having a lot of memory problems lately.

I told her the timing was curious. So soon after GFIL's death. She said he was disappointed that she hadn't finalized our D. So she wants him to be happy now. It turns out no one in her family was supportive of our M. That surprised me. I asked her if a single person she talks to was telling her to try. We agreed that family is just supportive of whatever they think we want. She apologized for keeping all of our contact secret.

It seems she really doesn't remember the good times over the last year. It's so frustrating. She talked about how we're comfortable together, we know each other well, but you don't stay in a loveless marriage, as just roommates, because of that. She's glad we didn't D while things were still hostile.

She told me her whole financial situation and thanked me for telling her mine. She didn't get nearly as much inheritance as I expected. Only 100K. Between Social Security and natural gas royalties she gets $1,000 a month. And her insurance costs $200. No wonder she's scared. She's thinking of moving to New York to be with SIL. She asked what I thought of that. I thought it would be good. SIL has done so well up there. She mentioned how much her family is shrinking with the grandparents gone. This struck me at the funeral as well. There's not much for her where she's living. She's close to Aunt but that's not enough. She plans to move in 6 months to a year. SIL said there's not much reason to come visit any more.

I really need to be reminded of "believe half of what you see and none of what you hear". She said D has always been her plan, that she never had any hope for us the last 3 years. It was just sticking her head in the sand that it didn't get done before, in spite of FIL and GFIL yelling at her to get it done.

I took a chance and told her I can tell this isn't what she really much. She said that was a slap in the face, that I should take her seriously. I told her I respect her decision and admire her strength, even though I don't agree with it. I told her D won't bring her any relief, that I'm worried about her. I told her what my C said, that there's so much help she could find on the non-medical side. Even her migraine doctor urged her to get psychological help when I sat in on an appointment. She just says "no one would understand your issues, or mine".

She admitted that her headaches have been much worse, that she hasn't been able to travel at all. It's been hard for us to get together. She said there's no one else, and she's not involved in anything crazy.

I told her counseling would really help, and she could see my C for free. She asked if he knew everything about my past. I told her how much we've been through it. She asked if this would be for her, or for us. I said for her. My hope would be that it would help our M also, but who knows? She seemed genuinely interested. Maybe she's getting desperate enough. Good memories were coming back to her as we drove around Dallas. She thanked me several times for taking care of her.

I guess I've been here before. A little over a year ago. The lawyer involvement definitely changes things this time, but whatever. I'm so sad to see her like this, and see her thinking that D will be the answer. Fighting her heart. Man, what a mess. Time to go GAL.