A coworker recently finalized a messy D, he had moved out of the marital home. In court the judge ordered him to pay all the utility bills even though he didn't live there anymore.
IMO, if it's a bit of a struggle for you each month and he will pay the bills then let him. Take what you can now, for whatever his reason. Could even be his L is advising him to take care of the bills for his kids so he looks better in court. Which could make any settlement better for him. Check with your L about that.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Could even be his L is advising him to take care of the bills for his kids so he looks better in court.
I may be a cynic...but this is a real possibility. Do you have all of your records to show to the court as to how much H contributed to the household and for the kids since he left? Would be good to bring that along...Walking out on you doesn't absolve him of his financial responsibilities to you and the kids...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I don't know why H does what he does. I can't be sure of course, but he did not start paying the utilities until I told him I was living paycheck to paycheck.
I do have all the records as to what I've paid at my house.
It is a waste of time to try to figure the MLCer out. I know this. I'm working really hard at not trying to give H head space. I do better some days then others.
My D12 has decided to go with her Dad and ow on vacation. As much as I absolutely hate the idea I've decided to let go and let God. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason...
SA, you are a classy lady. I know how much it must bother you, but, I, too believe everything happens for a reason.
As far as your h, you are right, no good to try to figure it out. They do have pangs of guilt from time to time and that may be what this is. It could change in a couple of weeks, though. LOL!
SA, It's difficult to try to figure them out, but my take is that he does feel some guilt for what he's done. My lawyer advised me when my xh walked out the door to accept any and all funds from him and spend it to suit my needs. If he offers you funds for the bills, take it and pay them. After all, he is the one that has put you in this mess.
I'm sorry your daughter opted to go on vacation w/him and the ow. I'm sure it wasn't what you wanted.
Please try to have a good weekend and do something special for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your insight. I thought guilt was a possibility too. I was curious as to why now? He hasn't given two hoots about it for the last 15 months.
I came to the conclusion that since we hadn't really talked about much of anything for 15 months, (there was some back and forth stuff for the first 3 months after he left) those truth darts that I threw his way may have struck a nerve? IDK.
The bills are still in his name. The way we have it figured out is that he deposits child support into our joint account. He takes what the bills come to out of C/S. He sends me records of them being paid and the joint account deductions reflect that. I have saved every email.
What I also find curious is that he will not help me get the bills changed over into my name. I have asked many times. There is one that I could probably change over w/o his help. There are 3 others that will be a pain without his help.
He told me that he will continue to pay them until 'I' get them changed over into my name. He left 3 dots after that statement?
I am on Spring Break in a week. I plan to do what I can to switch as much as I can into my name. I will also go to H's credit union where the joint account is and see what I can do about getting C/S transferred to my personal account at a different credit union. H doesn't want to help me set that up either as that means he will no longer be able to keep track of how I'm spending the money. It really does all go for bills and kids, but his need to keep track of me in this way freaks me out. I believe he really is all about control.
If he wants to help continue paying them he can just add it to the C/S. If not, my L assures me it will all come out in the wash when the D is final.
It was his choice to leave, but he really tries to keep track of what we're all doing through the kid's FBs and texting them with questions. He sends me emails asking things of me that he could definitely find out for himself without a problem. I not sure why he is doing all of this now when for many months he could have cared less. I was thinking about sending him a few articles about detachment. He needs to read them now. LOL
Thank you all again for your input. It really helps clarify things helping me to stay out of the spin zone.
SA, Those dots behind statements is his thought process. My xh use to do that so much it drove me nuts.
I think the reason he keeps the bills in his name is because it's his last string (connection) to your apron. He still wants some control over you life and he wants to appear to be your rescuer. He doesn't like it that you are able to go on and survive w/o him.
Another reason is that he's not matured enough to figure out how to change them over to your name. My xh did the same, but when I explained to the companies what was going on, they were more than happy to change them over, especially when I told them that with him acting out, they not ever get paid.
Why now? Because he's settled down a bit in his journey. When they are super angry, they are like brats who will lash out at you at every turn. Once they settle down a bit, and especially when you leave them totally alone w/little or no contact, that's when they come out to play and offer assistance, such as in your case. Not all of them do this.
It's all about control from afar. He doesn't want to me w/you and yet, he doesn't want to let you go completely. Good luck over the break in getting the change overs completed.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I believe everything that was said above; some of it I have seen in my H's behavior, some not. But let me get this straight. He paid the bills and DEDUCTED that amount from the amount of CS he paid, paying instead with receipts? Big Whoop. If I am understanding that correctly, all he did was a little bit of legwork, like licking a stamp.
IMO, it will still be in your best interest to get the bills changed to your name ASAP.
As for your daughter, I'm sorry to hear she decided to go,but she may come back with a perspective you would never have gotten otherwise. As Forrest Gump says, "That's all I'm gonna say about that."
Try to get some rest time and enjoy yourself this week Seeking. Worry is like a rocking chair, it gets you no where, but gives you something to do. ((Bless You))
