I think the angry stage has begun with my W. I haven't seen this side of her yet, and I have not changed. That will not stop her from trying to prove that I haven't changed and throw punches.
W came by this morning to pick up our S for daycare on the way to her work. We do this every other morning, so I am very used to the procedure. I am not a morning person, but I have been unusually upbeat and friendly for the last few months. Call it a 180.
Since it is Monday, I had washed and folded all of the day care linens for my S and put them in a shopping bag for my W. I also included 10 days worth of solid food and put his name on each one. I prepared his bottles for the day and had them waiting in the fridge. I had woken him up, changed his diaper, put on his clothes for the day, and was in the process of feeding him when she got there. She immediately starts throwing punches.
First it was questioning everything to be prepared. Yes, they are in the bag. She then goes into how the formula for my S is stored. Had I been washing the storage bin between each refill. I had not. Great to know. I told her thank you for the heads up and that I would do so from now on.
I asked her if she was able to catch up on sleep and if her allergies were getting better. She appeared annoyed that I asked about her but said that she didn't sleep well and was congested. I gave her a simple "ok" back. She then gets upset and tells me that she does not believe any of my questions to be genuine to her. My answer this morning qualified that. I validated her feelings and told her that my intentions where genuine. I explained that I had just woken up after a night of wakeups with our baby and was still a bit out of it. My answer may have been simple, but it was genuine.
To add one more punch. My W asks me why the bottles I had prepared in the fridge were not in the plastic bag and placed in the bag with the other belongings. I explained that I was just keeping them cold but was about to take them out for her. She told me that she was late and proceeded to do it on her own. 15 seconds later, bottles were in the bag. Then out the door she went.
When she left, I was so upset and about to pull my hair out.
Then out of nowhere came something very unexpected. Almost as if she pulled out the driveway and realized how nasty she was, she called me that she had noticed the yard bags out front. She said that she wanted to tell me yesterday but had forgotten. "The yard looks really nice." I told her that I worked for hours in the yard the previous day and was very thankful for her words. I was really happy to get those positive words when I feel like she has been going out of her way to be really nasty to me.
She then sends me a few emails from work about a few things and closes to tell me that she hopes I have a good day I haven't gotten one of those emails in a while. So weird.
Wow. Maybe I should not over analyze this, but this has been a recent phenomenon. What is making her so angry at me now? I go back to that quote from MichelleLT that I posted the other day. Is this really a good thing? Am I reading into this too much?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Will start out with some positive GAL, because I have really been working on myself. When my son was born seven months ago, I weighed the most I have ever weighed. 230. Since then (and especially in the last two months), I have been shredding the weight. I am now an improving 192. 38 pounds lost and going. I am also now below our wedding weight that I previously worked so hard to get to. Somebody else has taken notice as well, but I really don't care. This is for me.
Had couples therapy last night, but I haven't been in the mood to journal it. I am going to give it a shot, but it may be an abridged version.
Therapist started by telling us both that last week was a really tough session. She wanted to help improve our communication, so she asked that neither of us interrupt each other and that she would be reminding us if it happens. I was happy to hear this, as I am really looking forward to developing communication. I had asked about working on it through her last week, but our therapist said we would have to hold off on it for now, because my W's anger would prevent it from really happening.
Since the parenting coordinator was the main source of pain and frustration last week, I figured it would come back again. I was prepared for the worst this time and prepared myself to really listen and validate my W without arguing. I started off by throwing a 180 at my W. I told her that I knew how important it was for her to see the coordinator. I had not offered in the past to help find anybody, because I honestly did not know that W was looking for help. I told her that I understood W is trying to put the needs of our S in the forefront and that is appreciated. I told her that I would be more than willing to help her find somebody to meet in a collaborative manner.
My W then pulled out her notes, laughed, and told us that the very long statement that she prepared was now meaningless. (I smiled.) She asked to go ahead and read it anyway, since it was important to her. It was more of the same regarding the coordinator. Nothing really new.
We spent nearly the entire session talking about our feelings in the matter. This time, however, it was much more civil. I think both of us listened to each other instead of arguing. We talked about each other's fears (rational or irrational). We recognized where they come from. We just got it out there in the open. In the end, I told my W that I would be willing to meet with somebody and really listen to what they have to say.
I am still worried that this person will simply tell us that our S would best be suited in the full physical custody of my W at this stage. That scares me to death. I hope they consider other options, but I know that my W will take that info and run with it if they do. I am already feeling that our couples therapist is pushing that as well, which I am not cool with.
Spent the day with my still sick (although hopefully improving) S and also have him tonight. I just can't imagine a situation where he is not an active part of my life. This terrifies me.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Sparks - I think you need the parenting coordination to be about how to best manage 50/50 joint custody. At first I was horrified that you were willing to help her...BUT, can you call around and bias it (slightly) to find someone interested in helping work with you from where you are now versus ending up with someone who sees your wife as the best full time parent?
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
I've been following your thread and something here has caught my eye with regards to your W's anger. I don't want to hijack your thread; my post is over here if you are interested: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...979#Post2143979
I'd really like to learn more of your interpretation of your W's anger, how you recognize it, and know to react appropriately to it. In my sitch, my W has just recently begun attacking me/pushing all the right buttons. I believe she left because of a lacking in our relationship, guilt of her one-time PA, and the "support" of all her divorced friends. Now that she's gone, she's changed. I think she may provoke me now to elicit a negative response to justify her choice to leave. I'm not sure she knows she does it. Unfortunately, I've been falling into that trap.
But, as you have shown me the pattern of your W, I'm beginning to see how I may be able recognize this behavior for what it is and act more accordingly. I was hoping you'd have some additional input.
Thanks for sharing your story. I've often wondered about my W's sexual orientation, as women are much more "sharing" then men. Your sitch does raise a couple of flags I previously brushed off without sincere consideration. Please keep posting. I think you are handling yourself very well.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
Thanks, AJ. Going to do everything I can to push that agenda. I brought that up as well on Tuesday. I told her that the coordinator might have a few ideas for us and may have a different way to do 50/50 that we didn't consider. My W asked me why I wouldn't do what is best for our S if full physical custody is indeed best. Geez. Sucker punch. I just need to stick to my boundary here and let the coordinator and W know my feelings.
Nothing really new in the last few days. Had dinner and a few beers with some friends last night. Good times. Detaching from my W is becoming much easier. I don't think of her as often and rarely do not contact her unless it concerns our S. She has also been much friendlier this week than last when we have interacted.
Taking care of my still stick boy tonight. I hope he is finally getting better, but he has been super congested. Doing everything I can to help, but it still difficult for him to sleep. This has made evenings tough on all of us. Poor little guy. I have him all day tomorrow as well. If he is feeling better, I am thinking of taking him out to do something fun. Children's museum? Park? Bookstore? I don't know. We'll see how he looks and feels.
I still have a little anxiety concerning my W's plans while I have my S. I don't believe she has been out to self discover and do all of things she mentioned in couples therapy weeks ago. Lesbian coming out groups, going out with gay friends, gay bars, etc. She has been under the weather, and both of us have had to catch up on sleep the nights we don't have S. I actually asked her if she had plans tonight when she dropped off S. I know I need to let this go, but it is still a tough pill to swallow. I have been psyching myself up saying that I wish she would do these things, so that she can get on with her self discovery and figure out who she is sooner than later. Also been wondering lately if she is in contact with OW. Oh well. Not my concern.
I just need to keep on keeping on.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Had a rough morning. Took care of my little boy last night until the W picked him up for daycare this early morning. After I packed him in his car seat, I was kissing him goodbye when the thought that I was not going to see him again for a few days hit me. I came back into the house and the emotional wave brought me to tears.
Being away from my S is difficult enough after just a few days apart. I could not imagine those that have spouses that take the children away to different states. That is incomprehensible to me and feel so sorry for those that are in that sitch.
It is also interesting how my attention and sadness is turning from missing my W to missing my S. I guess that is what happens when you work so hard at emotional detachment to your spouse and dedicate yourself to being the best father possible.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I understand how you are feeling. I am about 210 miles from my daughter and it is so painful hearing her voice and not being able to see her or hold her.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
In preparation for couples therapy and to show my W that I am supportive of her desire to meet a Parenting Coordinator, I found a few and sent emails to them yesterday. One of them called me back today and set me at ease about the process.
She mentioned that she works out of the box when it comes to finding solutions. To her, every family is different, so the best solution for the child is going to be different. She does not take sides and is completely neutral. She does not believe that there is a one custody arrangement that works best for every child. Instead, she feels keeping the dynamic between the two parents positive is the most healthy solution for the child. We talked about the 50/50 agreement that we have been working, and she told me that there are many different ways to structure it that work well.
She really put my fears to rest that this person that we don't know is going to come in and suggest full physical custody of my S to my W. Now the biggest hurdle is going to be the cost. She bills $150 an hour with a minimum of five hours to work with us. Ouch. We simply don't have that kind of money, so we will see if it changes my W's mind. I do think me making efforts to help her and support her in her desires to meet with somebody will go a long way and easing the tension of the situation.
On a different note, W did send me a text this morning letting me know that we may have a first tooth coming in for our boy. I'm really excited to see it, but I feel bad for him right now. He has been sick for weeks and now gets to add the pains of teething to his misery. Makes me sad for him.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
