Ugh, last night was not good. On my end of things.
He did not come home until midnight (apparently he went out to dinner with a friend). And my rage just took over. I still didn't admit to having the boarding pass, but I did admit to knowing how to get his flight history and gave him the details of when he flew and what he changed. He told me I was crazy and that he couldn't have been in two places at once (because he had shown me last week that he had purchased gas in our city, therefore how could he have been on the other side of the country).
He just kept saying I needed to give him space and that just made me even more angry. While I know I haven't 100% backed off, I've not had a phone conversation with him in almost 2 weeks, and except for logistical conversations that we MUST have due to my condition, I really haven't initiated any other conversations.
I'm just so filled with rage when he is here. The lies, to himself and to me, are too much right now.
I have signed up for a financial course specifically geared towards women that will meet for 3 hours on Monday nights for the next 3 weeks. I also have prenatal yoga for 2 hours on Tuesday nights, and I'm attempting to join a church choir that meets for almost 2 hours on Wednesday nights (and thus will also make me go to church for almost 2 hours on Sundays). And I'm thinking of telling some friends that live nearby what's been going on so it will be another place for me to go just so I can not be in my house.
And yes, I know I'm the pregnant one and I shouldn't have to be the one leaving, but at the same time, he's not going to know what it's like to be in this house by himself without me if I don't. The only other times we've been "separated" is when he's on the company's dime and gets a spending account and hotels. And frankly that's just not real life, and so it doesn't make him understand what it is really like without me. He might as well just go on vacation.
Baby steps: --Despite me being furious last night, he slept in the bed with me. --I woke up this morning to a horrible dream that my sister had died (she's currently au pairing abroad), and I literally cried for 45 minutes. He was kind enough to hug me and hold me and tell me that it was ok. I didn't ask for this. --He made the bed again this morning without me asking (he has been horrible about doing ANY type of chores since I became pregnant unless I nagged the crap out of him). --I am recognizing my anger and trying to put steps in place to not let him see me like this anymore.
GOALS: --Keep busy, and stay out of the house if possible. And go to bed with our without him. --Only be happy around him. --Find things to talk about (this one is SO hard. Any suggestions on what we can talk about?? The baby talk might freak him out, and R stuff is out of the question... so....) --Find ways to deal with my anger. I'm going to IC and MC (with or without him), but I honestly do not feel that angry until he is in my presence. And then I just fall apart. --Reread portions of DR EVERY DAY. Some people read the Bible; I read this.
