Just want to put stuff down, as it feels good to get my feelings out at times.
So, since our meeting with our MC, (last Wed) we have not really conversed about our situation, but we certainly don't act like we are married either. It is more of a roommate situation right now. We both go back to the MC next week for individual meetings, and I will probably set some time up with my coach, Jody, as well.
Last night was a pretty good night overall. We played with the kids, made fun of eachother a little bit, and overall it was a good night. Except, a stupid defense mechanism that I am trying to work on came out. I was coming down stairs, and she mentions "I see you've been reading my Shape magazine" (which I hadn't been, she just left it out the night before) and for whatever reason my instand words came out in defense of myself. "No I wasn't!!". And I defended myself like I just watched p*rn on tv or cheated on my wife. This is one of her big issues with me. She would rather have me be playful and joke back with her, and say something funny. Instead, I got defensive, and curled up into a damn ball. It is certainly a trait I am not proud of, and trait our MC caught on to in our first visit, as well as Jody. I vow to work on this, and get better. It is something that has always bothered me, and probably goes back to my childhood I am sure.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
So, last night was not a good night. We hadn't talked about our issues since last week really. I think she was just letting everything settle, but her mind was made up that she was not going to try. Then, last night she ended up going off on me, for my issues that we had 5 years ago. Problem is I lied, and I disrespected her during a time that I never should have. I had since 3 years ago apologized for this issue, but that is when she truly shut down, just about 2 years ago. Last night, it was pretty much over. She stated we need to figure out the next steps for the kids, etc. I was numb, even though I knew this was a possibility, but she continued to hound on this topic. I apologized up and down, and told her how I understand how this could make her feel this way and shut down. I think she really let it out and let me have it. She also told me that this was part of the reason she had infidelity issues 2 years ago.
THEN, this morning, I was shaving to go to work, and my 2.5 year old walks into the bathroom and hangs out with me. My W then walks in just a few minutes later and says she wants to really try to work this out. That she does love me, but that it is so buried inside her right now that she doesn't know how to dig it out. That her previous relationship with my SD8 father is what I reminded her of, because of the lie. I am nothing like this man, but I understand how this can make her feel. She really wants our family to be together, and wants to rebuild our relationship to a loving one, not a roommate situation. This is huge for us, because our MC needed her to have full buy-in before really going into this. I am hopeful, we are not anywhere I want this to be yet, but I am certainly hopeful, because last nights sleep was awful.
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
Need help. Wife and I are seeing a MC. Gone once together, and once each alone. Next week we go together again to start working out insecurities and issues. Wife and I are doing much better over the past week. Relationship is on track, but I know she is still struggling with things, and that is what our MC is going to help us with.
One item our MC wants to come back with on Monday is a goal from each one of us in how we are going to help our marriage. Holy &*&^!! It's been awhile since I have had to set a personal goal with my wife, and I don't know what to do! I know she is freaking out too. I just want to make sure I pick the most appropriate goal going forward that would help us. You know, not like..."well, I wish we would have sex more than once a month". Now, that would be something I would want, but I know that when she emotionally attaches herself again, that will come. I need help with a truer goal here!
Me- 33 W - 27 M - 4 T - 5 SD- 8.5 S- 4 (deceased) D- 2.5
Sometimes the lack of hormones can cause a woman to have the symptoms that describe your wife. Having babies can do that, then losing a child would cause such terrible grief and depression. Both of you have experienced what often tears a couple apart. Sometimes, the pain is so bad that the person is desparate to excape and they don't know how. They think if they move...or get out of a R...or something....anything to stop hurting.
Read DR and come here for support. Don't pressure her. Don't talk about the R. Listen when she talks. Look into her eyes when she talks.....that's very important.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just wanted to drop in and say there are so many similarities in behaviour between your WAW and my WAgf.
Hang in there. I am walking the tightrope of MC with someone who isn't yet invested in saving the relationship, and getting the cold shoulder of "we shouldn't hug, we shouldn't sleep in the same bed" at home.
I hear and feel some of your pain.
But we can do it.
Reality is that which, if you don't believe in it, doesn't go away.
