Thanks for the link, very helpful about the LRT really being more about my life, than changing her behavior or my marriage. VERY true.
Journal: Very interesting night tonight.... She was nicer to me tonight, especially as I bonded with both kids all evening. Not sure why, but I am trying to think nothing of it. She seems to be just parenting and not being a "mom" lately. I have read this is normal for the "new woman" / WAW. Just letting the kids watch TV, etc and not really doing much with them. She is going out tonight with friends, but wanted to spend some time watching TV with D8 and I. Then when she was leaving for the evening, she came to me to give me a hug. I did hug back, but didn't really want it or care. I'm almost past that right now in my forced disconnect. Nice to see her making at least a little effort (not in front of anyone else). Fake, maybe, but it still felt nice to see her initiate it. I have been very careful in the last week to not say ILY, hug, kiss, anything. Just trying to move on. Maybe she notices? More likely it's just the daily roller coaster that I am trying to ignore. Didn't hurt that this was the most beautiful day ever weather wise....
Earlier in the night, we talked briefly about the challenges our S5 has with the local schools here, and that the school at home really is better for his needs dramatically. She said she will enroll the kids back at home for the next school year. She said the details "depends on our situation (or agreement, can't remember which)". Short version, she is intent to move home with or without me 1 year earlier than OUR 2 year contract here. I totally agree with the school here not being suitable for my S5's special needs, and he is MUCH better off back home at the school there, but we have not talked at ALL about the future, moving back, our situation, do we move back together, does she move back alone or what.
I can leave here early and go home. Some people at my work in the right places know the basics of what is going on and we can go home anytime without ill will or consequences. But it still pisses me off that this issue of the school seems to be the perfect window for her to have a reason to go home, no matter what. My biggest fear is the EA taking hold of her when we go back.
I left the discussion open and did not say very much. I VERY much want to talk about what she has in mind, do we separate and she goes back alone, or what. But I decided to just listen and that's all for now. I will say I WILL NOT let her take kids home and me stay here. I will not be away from my kids no matter waht. But on the other hand, we need some time apart, for her to figure out what she wants, and have space. So we will see. So if we go home all together, will we live in the house at home together, or will she get a place on her own, or ??
Time will tell, just living my life day by day now, and really moving on. Trying to see the negatives in her physically and otherwise to help disconnect, but hard to see the love of your life and the wife of your children in forced negative light....
